Day One

Day one of weaning myself off sodas. I had half of a can this morning but that is it (I usually have two or three per day). I'm already feeling the ill effects of withdrawal. My head hurts and I'm even more tired than usual (if that's even possible). I hope saying goodbye to sodas will help with my bladder and kidney issues, as well as help me lose weight. I ate pretty well today. No exercise yet, but I will start that up after the withdrawal phase. Baby steps.

Health Goals

I must must MUST lose some weight! My back and feet say so! I have been more active the past week (cleaning, helping Mom with stuff, cooking for the holidays, etc.) and I feel it in all my joints and muscles. I hardly sit down anymore, so maybe that weight will start coming off soon. I am going to the grocery store tomorrow for healthy food. We got a little off track with our eating goals due to Thanksgiving and leftovers. But it's time to really focus on good health habits. I threatened Douglas not to bring home junk food. Mom asked me to buy her some ice cream but I told her no. She didn't like that. It's for her own good, though. Not only did she just have triple bypass, she's also diabetic. So no. No ice cream. I have my own addictions to deal with too. Like sodas. I dread the detox from them but it has to be done. It won't be pretty for a few days. I'm really determined to stick with a healthy diet this time. I'm ready for the hard work.

Falling

Mom has been home a week and she's already fallen in her room. Thankfully, Douglas was home so he picked her up without damaging her incision. I'm glad it happened in her room where there is plush carpet. Her shoulder hurts but it's not broken or anything. She may end up with a bruise. Hopefully that's all the excitement for today.

Inadequacy

I haven't really accomplished much today. I took some "non-drowsy" medicine for my sinus issues but I've been sleepy from it anyway. I did get the table cleared off that I am putting the Christmas tree on. It had a bunch of books and homeschool materials on it. I cleared out a shelf on the bookcase and arranged them there. I found a new place for the cookbooks I moved from the bookcase. Voila! Clean table. I'm about to get the tree out (just a 4 ft this year) but I don't feel like tackling that hellish closet so ornaments will be for another day.

School was challenging today. Jacen did not want to cooperate. He has days like that but it's extra annoying when I already don't feel well. We made it through Language Arts and Social Studies at least. 

I'm feeling a little glum. I think it's just the sickness. I'm feeling kind of inadequate with taking care of my mom and son and the house and the dogs. Many people have far more on their shoulders than I do, but because of my mental illness I don't do well with a lot of responsibility. I can't multitask and I get stressed easily. We had a physical therapist here this morning and an occupational therapist this afternoon. It makes me anxious to have people in our house. I will just have to get over it, though, because it's going to be like this for a while.

A Busy Day

I had planned to rest today, but I think I have been even busier than I was all last week. I had a lot of errands to run this morning. Mom hasn't felt well so she has needed extra help today. I had a lot of catching up to do with Jacen on the school front. Ozzy got loose in the great outdoors but thankfully he came back home. He found the ham bone I threw out :)  Tomorrow I am going to try to start decorating for Christmas. I dread dragging it all out of the crammed closet. I want to get that closet organized this week. We'll see how that goes.

It's Over

This year's Thanksgiving was a success. All the food turned out great. It was nice seeing everyone, even though I am mentally and physically worn thin. I would take a nap but my daughter is leaving around 6:30 p.m. so I want to spend the time with her. Who knows when I will see her again. I learned that she had her first boyfriend (they dated for a month and broke up) and a couple of other things I didn't know. I miss so much in my daughters' lives :(   All I can do is try to keep communication with them (much like pulling teeth) and enjoy the rare moments I have with them. But how I wish for more.

Happy Holidays

Feeling sluggish. I have two more things to cook today (if I can find room in the fridge to put them). And so, so many dishes to wash!

Our full menu is turkey, ham, dressing, mac & cheese, corn casserole, broccoli casserole, sweet potato souffle, green beans, homemade cranberry sauce, potato salad, deviled eggs, rolls, key lime cake, and banana pudding. Enough to feed a crowd, for sure!

The home health nurse came today. They are setting Mom up to have weekly visits for physical and occupational therapy. I'm glad the house was fairly clean because I did not expect the nurse to come today. We also had some company for a little while. Best of all, one of my daughters is here to spend the weekend. My oldest daughter is at State Congress so she could not make it. But I am super happy that I get to see at least one of them today and tomorrow. Emily is currently taking a nap because she was out late for her school's football game. She is in color guard.

Well, I have sat here long enough. It's time to get busy again. My arthritis is giving me a lot of problems, but this hard work is almost over and then I am going to rest a couple of days before I start decorating for Christmas.

Confidence

I just finished reading The Memoir Project by Marion Roach Smith. I borrowed it from the library but it has some excellent insights that I would like to revisit so I plan to buy my own copy. I really want to make 2018 the year I complete my memoir. It's about damn time.

I was quite productive today. I have one more day to get everything ready for company on Sunday, and for the first time I actually see it being possible. I am getting up super early in the morning to give myself extra time for those final touches.

My anxiety has been better today. I feel in control. I haven't felt this sure of myself in a long time.

One Down, One to Go

Thanksgiving #1 was a success. I made deviled eggs, broccoli casserole, and apple pie, and they all turned out good. There wasn't a big crowd at my aunt's house and I sat in a corner so my anxiety was kept at bay. Now that I am home I am trying to stay awake until bedtime. I need to get up early in the morning and work like a mad woman to get ready for Thanksgiving #2 here on Sunday. Right now my muscles hurt so much. I wish I had a hot tub to soak in, or even just a large tub. The tub here is too small to stretch out in and is kind of shallow. Oh well. There's ibuprofen.

Mom is home now and her dogs are so very happy! It will be nice not having to drive to Athens every day now that she's home. So far she is doing well. She still has a good bit of pain in her chest but her pain medicine eases it off pretty well. She is glad to be here at home.

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

"I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me." 

~Virginia Woolf

Kind of a Frazzling Day

We have a meeting in the morning at the rehab center to see if Mom can go home. She was supposed to see her heart doctor today but there was a mix up at the center and they didn't take her. They said she didn't have an appointment today, but the nurse at the hospital told us when she was being discharged that her appointment was on the 20th. I don't know. I will call the doctor's office tomorrow and see what is going on.

The dogs have not been my friends today. Ozzy has barked continuously, whether I let him out or in. Nothing seemed to satisfy that one. Lucy has been attacking all the other dogs. She can be a real bitch sometimes. Penny has puked and peed in the house all throughout the day. I'm not sure what is wrong with her. I thought I had it all cleaned up but Jacen was running in the foyer and slipped in another puddle of pee. So he is in the tub now. Oh well. He needed a bath anyway. 

I still have a lot of cleaning to do. Does it ever end? No?

We got all our Thanksgiving shopping done today. I found a really cute tablecloth.

Sunday

I'm experiencing a lot of bladder pain today. Next week Douglas is going to take me to the ER on his day off. Hopefully I can wait until then. I don't know of anyone who could babysit Jacen so we will have to take him with us. He handled the long hours at the hospital when my mom was having surgery, so maybe he will do just as well in the ER. I hope he doesn't catch anything.  I am ready for this to be over, and I know I should not have put it off so long. I just want them to take an X-RAY, ultrasound, or whatever and see what is going on. If there's a stone I need to find out why it's not passing. Hopefully I won't need another surgery. The last one was in 2008. That time the stone was stuck in my ureter and caused a lot of problems. It took a while to get over that.

We visited with Mom this morning, ate lunch at Steak & Shake, and since then I have felt too badly to do anything around the house. Tomorrow we are going to Walmart and the grocery store to get what we need for our Thanksgiving meals. I'm hoping to find a nice tablecloth for the big kitchen table. Douglas thinks I'm funny worrying about such a minor detail, but that's just me. I figure if everyone's eyes are drawn to the table they won't notice as much of the mess around the room ;)

A Little Progress

I have accomplished a decent amount of cleaning today, though I am only halfway through my to-do list. I still have some hours left. My nerves are shot. My son has been super needy today. I set him to task on cleaning his room but it did not keep him from yelling "Mommy!" every half second for this or that. I sadly admit I lost my temper with him a couple of times. It's not like I never spend time with him. He gets plenty of attention, so I don't know why he thought he needed to have me by his side all day. I am probably PMSing and my anxiety is on full force. I get super focused when I am cleaning and any interruption really irritates me. Soooo it has been a challenging day. I can't believe it isn't even 4 p.m. yet. It feels much later. It feels good to sit down and rest my back for a moment. I have supper in the crockpot but somehow I have ended up with a massive amount of dirty dishes. I'll have to add that to my to-do list. Back to work.

"To produce insanity, what first be damaged, and how?"  -Margaret Atwood

A Good Friday

Another great day, but this evening I feel wiped out. It's only 7:30 p.m. but I really want to go to bed. I am going to force myself to have a major cleaning day tomorrow. From sun up to sun down. Pray for me. I may get lost under a pile somewhere.

My mom is so ready to get out of rehab that she threatened to walk out today. The physical therapist thinks that she is ready to leave but she has to wait until she meets with her heart doctor Monday for the final okay. I am hoping for her sake that she does get to leave. Tuesday is her birthday, and then Thursday, of course, is Thanksgiving. I know she wants to be home for those occasions. I am somewhat worried about my capabilities to take care of her. She complains a lot and is super critical of me at times. But it is what it is. As long as she doesn't push me to the point of rage, I think we'll do fine.

I need to figure out what I am going to give Mom for her birthday. I'm drawing a blank. I am not good at picking out gifts. What does one need/want after a medical setback like this? She is so hard to buy for even under normal circumstances.

WIN!

I just made two important phone calls regarding my mom's insurance. Take that, social anxiety!

Electric Thoughts

After such a terrific day, I find that I am having rapid thoughts and anxiety. I'm also irritable. I need to just go to bed, but I don't think I can shut down my mind. I have so many ideas coming at me at once. I have a lot to do before Thanksgiving. I have a lot to do on my book. I have a lot to do with homeschooling. I have a lot to do, a lot to do, a lot to do! Good grief! I guess I'll take some Benadryl and see if that chills me out. Then tomorrow, maybe I can make a rational plan of some sort. Main priority is making it through Thanksgiving. I have two days to cook for, on actual Thanksgiving day and the Sunday after. The Sunday after meal is here, God help me. I cannot begin to describe what a holy hell mess this house is in. I'm too embarrassed to post a picture. I need to find a starting point on that and dig in. I did get my son to put some toys away today, so that is good. That's a start. I don't know why I find it so hard to focus on anything long enough to get it done. I need to go to bed. We are going to see my mom at rehab tomorrow. Those visits always wear me out for some reason. And make me hungry. Weird. Ugh, I need to go to bed. Shutting up now.

Good News and a Recipe

This has been a good mental health day. I've felt happy and stable. Douglas is off tonight and he stayed up later than usual today because we had to go pick up my medicine at 3:30 p.m. I really enjoyed the extra time with him.

What's more, all day the house has smelled so good with the aroma of my crockpot full of minestrone. Typically minestrone has pasta in it, but I found a recipe years ago in a Taste of Home magazine that uses barley and it has been my go-to recipe ever since. It's healthy and warm, perfect for chilly Autumn nights.

SLOW & EASY MINESTRONE 

INGREDIENTS

• 1 can (28 ounces) diced tomatoes, undrained
• 3 celery ribs, cut into 1/2-inch slices
• 2 medium carrots, cut into 1/2-inch slices
• 2 small zucchini, halved and cut into 3/4-inch slices
• 2 cups vegetable broth
• 1 cup shredded cabbage
• 1/4 pound sliced fresh mushrooms
• 1 small onion, chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 teaspoon dried basil
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/3 cup quick-cooking barley
• 1 can (15 ounces) cannellini beans, rinsed and drained
• 
  

Directions

• In a 4- or 5-qt. slow cooker, combine the first 11 ingredients. Cover and cook on low for 7-9 hours.
• Cook barley according to package directions; stir into soup. Add beans; heat through. Yield: 6 servings (2-1/4 quarts).

 

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TMI

Gross moment of the day: I was trying to swallow one of my morning pills and it got stuck in my throat. It made me throw up and now I can't think of swallowing any of them without getting sick. I'll get them down somehow, it's just going to take me a minute to get the vision of throwing up out of my head. The culprit was Lamictal. Those little buddies are shaped so weirdly and so dry. This is not the first time this has happened. What an icky start to the day.

Meds Work Better When You Take Them

I just realized (as I was about to take my nightly meds) that due to getting up late this morning I forgot to take ALL of my morning meds. No wonder I am feeling so off! I've literally spent the last two hours listening to grunge music and feeling like I am about to plunge down a very dark hole. Not to mention I'm very foggy-headed like I just got woke up in the middle of the night. But no worries. Just my absent-minded self at works again. Maybe I'll be alright tomorrow.

Good Morning

It felt nice to sleep in this morning. I still woke up kind of early, but I just lay there snuggling and talking with my son. But now I'm ready to start the day. I need to do some housework. Correction: I need to do A LOT of housework, but I will just focus on some of the most important stuff for today.

Better Day

After such a terribly anxious yesterday, I am happy that I have felt better today. We've had a nice little time, going to see Mom, taking my son to speech therapy, and eating at the Olive Garden. I took a nap when we got home (that seems to be the new trend these days) and now I need to feed the dogs and do school lessons with my son. Then it will be time to make supper, an easy Southwestern salad. I may try to exercise this evening. I know I need to. That will be my evening goal. Well, off to feed those dogs before they start eating ME!

Having a Bad Night

Seriously not feeling well and major anxiety to go along with it. I feel like I'm unraveling at the seams. I don't mean to complain, but I'm scared everything is going to crash down on me.  Just really not a good feeling.

Catching Up On Old Times

When I stopped blogging three years ago I stopped reading other people's blogs too. I just completely divorced the blogger world. Why? I don't know. Mental health blogs (and other kinds of blogs, too) helped me a lot back then with what I was going through. Not only could I relate to a lot of the things I read, but I enjoyed peering in at other bloggers and learning about their lives and struggles. But three years ago I decided I was well and I didn't need any reminders of the hardships of mental illness. Crazy, I know. I just found that writing about mental illness, as well as reading about it, was holding me back in a realm of my life that I desperately wanted to escape. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I don't know if that was the right or wrong thing to do. I did really well during my time away. I think. There is very little recorded in my personal journal from that era so I can only rely on memory. But I think that's the most stable that I have ever been. And it was wonderful!

I'm not saying I'm not "stable" now. I feel somewhat stable. I'm just having a few bumps in the road. And with those bumps I find myself wanting to reach out and reclaim that sense of community I felt with fellow bloggers before. I read a few blogs today, and I realized how much I miss those worlds I blocked out. A lot - and I mean A LOT! - of the blogs I used to read are no longer active. Maybe they had similar reasons for leaving their blogs. I can only hope for the best for them. As for me, I lost my domain name and now some Japanese-like language is what pops up if you go to bipolarly.com. Bipolarly.net is available, but I think I will just go the free route for now. For one thing, no one is reading this one! :D Maybe that will change, who knows. Even if no one reads it but me, I think it helps. My personal journal is handwritten so my hand cramps up trying to write in it. I mainly keep it for jotting down quotes I like and little tidbits that I come up with. I open up more in my blog entries. Maybe too much, sometimes. Or maybe there is no such thing as too much. Maybe we are meant to unzip our insides as much as possible. How else do we know if there are any kindred spirits searching for us? I hope we all find each other.

I have had two panic attacks today, and seemingly nothing has triggered them. Just out of the blue, BAM!

Not The Best Start

My new plan for healthy eating was supposed to be put into effect today, but we were on the road so I succumbed to McDonald's for breakfast and frozen yogurt for lunch. But tonight I am making baked salmon, Brussels sprouts, and quinoa. That balances out the menu, right? Okay, it doesn't,  but at least I am going to end the day better than it started. A little progress is better than nothing. I aim to do better tomorrow.

Seeing Mom today was kind of depressing. She wants to go home so badly, but she has a lot of work to do in rehab before she can. She almost passed out during her exercises yesterday and she is still having trouble swallowing. Her insurance will pay for 20 days of rehab and I think she's going to need every day of it. I feel sad that she is unhappy. I don't know how to cheer her up.

I started running a fever again last night, no doubt from my bladder issues. I know, I know, I need to go get it seen about, but I don't have money to pay for the urologist they will inevitably refer me to. I'll figure something out. Meanwhile, my ice pick headaches are getting worse. They usually attack my left temple, and now I'm having issues with my right eye twitching. And I'm soooo tired. It's crazy! More reason to eat healthier, and I need to manage my anxiety better. What I really want to do is take a nap. But I'll do some laundry instead.

Putting Forth Some Effort

I went to the grocery store today and purchased only healthy foods. Nothing processed. Lots of fruits and vegetables. I'm trying to buy my energy back. Plus, Mom needs to eat healthier once she gets home (whenever that is). I need to add back exercise, but it's going to take a lot of effort. With my bad back and bad knees and bad foot it will be interesting. Anything to start feeling better, though. Mentally and physically.

Trying

I haven't felt well today. Sick and exhausted is more like it. I'm having trouble functioning, but I did make a menu and grocery list, cook, and wash dishes. Nevermind the twenty things I needed to get done in addition to that, but I dealt with the most pressing matters.

By the way, since no one is reading this but myself, I figure I can complain as much as I want to without anyone telling me I shouldn't. I realize my recent posts have been a bit gloomy. I have tried to remain upbeat and optimistic in real life, but the weight of my depression is making that harder and harder to do. And yet, throughout the day, I find myself feeling fine and content. It's when I'm too tired to remain busy that I dwell on the darkness. I tried to perk myself up today with a double energy shot and Mountain Dew, but it just made me feel worse. Caffeine doesn't work on me anyway.

Zzzzzzz...

Super tired today, but not as depressed. That's really all I have energy to write today.

Saw This On Facebook

Pieces

I have kept myself fairly busy today, so less time to linger on depression. It's always worse this time of the evening. I read one chapter in a book. I guess that is something. I'm having a hard time calling out to God. There seems to be a huge wall between us. I've been having a lot of doubts. But a little part of me still believes. A mustard seed is all it takes.

The Darkness

Biologically, I know what's happening. For whatever reason seasonal changes (and especially around time changes) my bipolar symptoms go beserk. I know it happens, but I don't know how to stop it. Just knowing that it will pass is not enough to make the pain of it any less. I also know that major shifts in life make my symptoms worse. Case in point, my mom's heart attack. So before I panic and think my meds aren't working anymore it's best that I consider the changing weather, the health change in a loved one, and now, the news of yet another mass shooting in Texas. I can get through this like I always do. It's just so hard to breathe through the muck of it right now.  I have a child to take care of so I can't allow myself to have a complete crash. I HAVE to keep my neck above water. I wish I could just sleep until things get better. I'm not so good at faking wellness.

Not Okay

I feel so depressed and empty. I just can't shake it. I wish I could sleep for days. I can't even concentrate on my favorite hobby, reading. And the binge eating is really out of hand. I recently lost 30 pounds but I have gained it all back. Of course, part of that happened before this depression hit...I guess I binge eat no matter how I'm feeling.

Mom is doing well, though, so that's a good thing. She actually has a window to the outside world in her new room. Granted, all you can see is a wall of windows on the next building, but that's better than nothing.

I am so ready to go to bed. It's only 8:22 p.m. and Douglas won't be up for work until nearly 10. So I'll wait.

A couple of weeks ago Douglas brought home some beer that someone left at the hotel where he works. I haven't drank alcohol in about two years so I told him we would give them to his brother at Thanksgiving. In a moment of depressed stupidity I opened one tonight, but I only drank half the bottle and poured the rest out. I just don't want to go down that road again.

Here's something I wrote but never published on 12-7-2015:

"Sometimes it's hard to breathe, to adjust, to matter. I hear voices from the past in hues I've never known. I try to make sense of it all. And it's no use. No use.

I miss Daddy. I miss so many people, dead and alive. I miss who I used to be, and I miss who I want to be. I feel like I'm tethering in between, so close and yet so far away. I wish I could make sense of that as well.

I drink a lot. Not to get drunk, not to feel numb, but to remember. There are parts of me and my life floating here and there and I just want to make them stay, just a little bit longer. All I feel is grief, sober or not. But to make those lovely parts stay just so, that is what I want most of all.

I choose God when I have nothing left. I choose God when I have plenty. I choose God, but I also choose little human ways to deal with the pain. I'm not altogether centered. The intentions are pure, but the faith is failing. I choose to keep on when I feel like giving up. This is something at least.

I try to be a good mother, but I fail. I love so hard and so deep, and yet it doesn't transform into the right actions. I give too little, when all I want is to give everything I have. Why is this so hard for me?

I miss that little part of childhood when things were simple. I was loved by parents, by pets, by little childhood friends. And then I got older, and all those things seemed more complex and conditional. Why does this still make me cry?"

Good News

Mom has been moved out of the ICU into the Progressive Care unit, so that is good. This is the first day I haven't been at the hospital and I feel bad about that. I have slept most of the day and feel rather depressed. I think I'm just run down. I did not go to the ER like I had originally planned. Mom was so sick yesterday I couldn't justify being in the ER for hours. I am doing a little better anyway. Still a good bit of pain, but I know it's just a stone. All the ER would have done is refer me to an urologist and I don't have insurance for that.

ER

On my way to see Mom tomorrow I'm going to check myself into the ER. For a couple of months I have been having issues with my bladder. On three separate occasions I have had my urine checked for infection and it has been clear, so I assume it is a stone. But I haven't passed one yet and I'm having another bout of extreme pain, blood in urine, and low grade fever. So I guess they are going to have to take an X-RAY to see what's going on in there. I feel like the walls of life are caving all around me, but I know things could always be worse, so I am thankful for the blessings in my life. Mom is doing great. She got her breathing tube out and was able to walk around a bit.