These Are The Days

I am thankful for the good days because they renew me, and for the bad days because they shape me. The contrast of the two mold together in such a fighting way, but they each serve their purpose. Each provide a narrow glimpse into the future, a salute to the past, and a lesson for the present. Some days I can't feel the sun on my face, and other days it blinds me; in between there is a warmth of knowledge, a sort of truce, a forgiveness. I am thankful for life, and all the beauty, love and laughter that it lends to me. Life carries a lot of pain and grief as well, a seemingly undue suffering, and it is impossible to understand exactly why, or if and how the pain could be avoided. I can't pretend to know or justify the answer to why horrible things happen in this life, so I have to cling to the good things I do know and trust that everything is as it should be. And maybe therein lies the meaning of life: to cherish things TODAY, to live TODAY, because today, this very moment, is all we ever really have. It is a small gift with a huge responsibility, to live in a world so vast and chaotic, to lose and to win, to be blessed and to be cursed, to love and to hate, to remember and to forget, to gather stones and to scatter them, to be born and to die. The beginning and end are too bewildering to wrap our heads around. So do your work in the middle. Love those close to you. Build instead of break. And whether you believe in an after life or a return to dust, make every minute you're here count for something noble and gracious. Never stop being thankful for what you have. Never stop caring for mankind. Never live a life that will be forgotten when you are gone. Whatever comes tomorrow, you are here now.

New Therapist...Again

I went today to what I thought was going to be my next therapy session with the therapist I had met once before, but they had discharged me from their services since I had not been there in 3 months (which was because I was waiting for my regular therapist to come back from maternity leave; when I learned that she wasn't coming back I made an appointment with the other one). Anyhoo, today's appointment consisted of updating my file, basically like a whole new intake session, and meeting the other therapist that will be my new one. The lady is new and seems just as quiet and awkward as I am, so that could be a good thing or a bad thing...we shall see. I felt rather off in there and had to ask for some hand sanitizer after signing a few documents with their pen. Then, at the end of the session, the lady that is to be my new therapist reached over to shake my hand and I had to cringe through that and didn't want to use the hand sanitizer in front of her afterwards because I didn't want to be rude...so as soon as I got out of there I had to go wash my hands really well! Other than that, I managed fairly well in the room with two other human beings and I guess I am up for the challenge of YET ANOTHER THERAPIST (this makes number 6 in the past 7 years). Ah, the wonderful world of psychiatry and recovery. If you can survive the madness of the system, you can survive anything.

After my appointment, we went to see our cousin's new baby at the hospital (she's precious!) and then went to eat at Popeye's. I am proud of the fact that I made it all the way up until a group of men sat down at the table beside us before I had to take an anxiety pill. For me, all that social activity in one day and it taking that long for it to finally drive me to the prescription bottle is a nice little accomplishment!  It is my hope that returning to regular counseling will help me eventually get back to the point of being able to drive again and participate in social activities without debilitating panic attacks. As frustrating as the constant ups and downs of bipolar disorder are, I have to say that what holds me back the most now is my social anxiety. I would like to be able to join the living world and not be afraid of my own species. I have confidence that I can at least reach a ground of tolerance to the public (as I had before where I was able to drive and work and go to the store by myself-it was never easy, but at least it was doable). I just hope I can get back to that level of coping soon. For my children more than anything. I am tired of missing my girls' social activities and I don't want to put my son through the same.

Hamsters on the Wheel

My bouts of hypomania and mania only last long enough for me to get well over my head in a project so that when I crash down, it seems like everything crashes down with me. This time it was a huge purging of the house to get it more organized, especially the closet. Now I have clothes and other random items strewn about like a yard sale in a tornado. I've rearranged furniture that probably should not have been rearranged, and all I can think is, what a a big FAIL this was. My nerves are shot, had to take an anxiety pill earlier and go to bed. Now I'm awake and want to get more housework done, but I just can't find the physical energy or brain power to do anything. My hands are cracked and dry from washing them so much (my OCD kicks into overdrive during mania), and I just want to cry. You know that feeling where you want to cry but you just feel too bad to? So much negative emotion and no way to let it out. So this is why I am writing this. Not to bitch or complain, but to just release it out into the open and-hopefully!-make someone realize that they are not the only one who goes through this type of thing over and over-and over and over-again. It's an endless cycle, and life can feel so pointless at times. But I trust that it's not, for you or for me. We can still do great things; it just may take us longer to do it. We can still inspire others and do good to everyone we come into contact with, and hold those dear to us close and never let go. Sometimes not letting go just means surviving, but other times it means relishing the good times as they come and knowing that, beyond anything, not to take a moment of it for granted. I refuse to let my illness define who I am or what I'm capable of. I refuse to use it as an excuse not to try, to succumb to hopelessness or laziness, or to give up completely. That being said, I realize sometimes I have to rest and catch my breath so that I can be more charged for the work ahead. There is no shame in having to set boundaries as to what you are willing and able to do when you are experiencing an episode of depression or mania, or are recovering from a severe bout of either one. It may feel like we are merely hamsters on the wheel, exasperating our energies on meaningless tasks and getting no where in the process, but I assure you that's not the case. We can't always see or feel our progress. But every step we take-whether it gets us to our destination or not-is progress. Survival is progress. Hope is progress. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes and trying to better yourself from the person you were is progress. It's an ongoing battle, but it's a worthy battle, and you will earn your medals along the way. Just never, ever give up hope. I'm certainly trying not to.

What I Am Thankful For

 While I doubt I will ever be thankful for having a mental illness, I am thankful for the strength I have found in myself when I felt so unbearably powerless to its symptoms, and for the hope of brighter days when my world is at its darkest. I view my life in two eras: before my big psychotic break, and after. The in-between feels like a vague nightmare. I remember, for the most part, what happened-the actions, the words, the emotions-but I can find no way to fully comprehend it being me that whole time. It was as if I was staring down at some other woman doing this and saying that, as if I had no connection to her or anyone else in my life at that time. I have since struggled mercilessly through the grief of what I lost as a result of that time period, as well as with anger, both at myself (how could I act like that?) and at others (why could no one help me?). I will always live with the repercussions of an illness uncontrolled, despite my present stability. I fear that it will happen again, that rueful onslaught of disillusion, and I fear hurting those dear to me all over again. Unpredictability marks the days, months, and years.

People who have never experienced mental illness can't even begin to truly understand it, and what cannot be understood is often the catalyst for mockery and judgment. If cancer attacks the body and slowly picks apart the health of a once agile person, it is viewed as a terribly unfair tragedy; what's done is done and it could not be any other way. But when it is a person's mind that is under attack, there is always a sense of blame attached to it. As a pastor's wife at the time when my illness took its greatest toil, I felt like everyone was judging me from a spiritual standpoint. I had been a devout Christian my entire life; what's more, I loved my husband and two young daughters, and I had the close-to-perfect life that everyone dreams of having. Certainly, I had wrestled with depression off and on since I was a preteen, and I had a frightening episode at age sixteen that lasted nearly three months and was often filled with hallucinations and delusions that I kept to myself. Overall, I had been good at hiding my internal wars, but in my mid-twenties I reached a breaking point, and it was a very public experience. In front of my church, my friends, and my family I quickly unraveled into a person unrecognizable to who I had been before.

After recovery began to solidify years later (thanks to extensive therapy and finding the right cocktail of medication for my particular brain chemistry) I was able to take a serious look at  the damage I caused through my irrationality and severe highs and lows. Very few know what all took place, but suffice it to say I made very foolish choices during that phase of my illness-all in the name of good intentions, mind you (sadly delusional intentions)-and there is no repair for the lines I severed.

So, while I hate mental illness and the destruction it can cause in a person's life, I am thankful that I am in the position to help others and provide encouragement to those facing the same challenges. I used to avoid telling my story to others-after all, it opens my life up to a lot of judgment and ridicule-but now I am brave enough to say, yes, I have bipolar disorder, and yes, it has cost me a great deal in life, but it has also taught me more than any other trial in my life has. I have learned that I am not defined by my illness. I'm not a crazy. I'm still the same ol' me, despite my illness, and I never intend on forgetting that. I suffer with rapid cycling emotions, intense anxiety, poor concentration, and a slew of other symptoms that occasionally reach a debilitating level. For the most part, however, I remain stable. I am so grateful for an understanding partner and remarkable children that bear with me during the hard times. They have seen me at my best and my worst, and still they love me. There is no greater blessing than the support system I have, and I am thankful every day for them.

Treatment and Recovery Part 7: Feeling Well, Staying Well

Once you are feeling better, make plans using the ideas from part 6 of this series that will help you keep yourself well. Include simple lists:

• to remind yourself of things you need to do every day, like doing thirty minutes of exercise and eating three healthy meals;
• to remind yourself of those things that you may not need to do every day, but if you miss them they will cause stress in your life, like bathing, buying food, paying bills, or cleaning your home;
• of events or situations that may make you feel worse if they come up, like a fight with a loved one, receiving a big bill, or loss of your job. Then list things to do (relax, talk to a friend, practice a hobby, etc.) if these things happen so you won't find yourself resorting to unhealthy ways of coping, like drinking or self-harm.
• of early warning signs that indicate you are getting worse, like always feeling tired, sleeping too much or too little, overeating, dropping things and losing things more than usual, hearing voices, etc. Then list things to do (get more rest, take some time off from work, arrange an appointment with your health care provider, cut back on caffeine, etc.) to help yourself remain as stable as possible;
• of signs that things are getting much worse, such as feeling very depressed, not being able to get out of bed in the morning, or feeling negative about everything. Then list things to do that will help you feel better quickly (get someone to stay with you, spend extra time doing things you enjoy, contact your doctor, etc.);
• of information that can be used by others if you become unable to take care of yourself or keep yourself safe, such as signs that indicate you need their help, who you want to help you (give copies of this list to each of these people), the names of your doctor or other mental health professional and pharmacist, all prescriptions and over-the-counter medications being used, things that others can do to help you feel better or keep you safe, and things you do not want others to do or that might make your condition deteriorate any further. 

This marks the conclusion of the Treatment and Recovery series. I hope you have found some ideas that will help guide you in your own wellness plan. Don't attempt to do everything listed in this series all at once. One change at a time is the way to do it for long lasting improvement. You can incorporate these ideas into your life gradually, and as you do, I'm confident that you will begin to feel better and better.

Best wishes in your treatment and recovery!

-Amy Purdy


Resources:
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
"Recovering Your Mental Health"
www.samhsa.org

Guest Blogger William Hughes: 4 Ways To Reduce Stress And Anxiety By Exercising Your Mind

The world we live in is nothing like it was hundreds of years ago. Everything moves at such a fast pace now and you have to keep up or you're left behind. People are constantly under pressure and it really shows. Do you come home from work feeling exhausted because you've been trying to live up to expectations at work? Some people are superhuman and can take anything thrown at them. Others are not so lucky and their mind starts to suffer. It's not a coincidence there is more people suffering from mental illness than ever before.


Some people, the superhuman ones, think it's a weakness and anyone not in control of their own mind is not trying hard enough. But we know that's not the case. Stress and anxiety can sometimes be out of our control and can turn into a serious problem if we let it. Luckily there's ways to combat this before anything too bad happens. You need to exercise your mind as well as your body. If you are under any unnecessary stress or ever feel anxious then follow these steps to get it under control.

Start meditating every night
 
For someone who has never meditated before you are in for a treat. It might take you a few weeks to get good at it, but as soon as you are in a trance and the annoying voices stop popping up in your head it will feel like something you have never experienced in your life. The stress and anxiety will leave your body for that magical 5-20 minutes, then as soon as you stop meditating it will feel like all the troubles have lifted from your mind. You just need to keep meditating every day and it will eventually change to your default state of mind.
 
Go running in the morning
 
When you get up you should try to go for a little run in the morning. You are probably thinking it's too hard and at first it is, but as soon as you get over the laziness it will turn into something special. There's something people like to call the 'runners high' which means the happiness endorphins are buzzing around your body. When it happens you feel like a million bucks and nothing bad can happen to your mind. After your run you will still feel great. It definitely sets you up to have a fantastic day. It's worth the effort of getting out of your bed 20 minutes early.
 
Try hypnotizing yourself
 
Hypnotism is strange to some people. Maybe they've seen a show when they were on vacation and got the completely wrong impression. When you're under hypnosis it's the same feeling as being in a meditative trance, only what you do when in the trance is different. Instead of concentrating on a thought you speak to your subconscious and give it instructions. Try booking yourself in for a session with a hypnotist and feeling what it's like. Once you understand the power it can have over your stress you can attempt to learn it by yourself.
 
Start a new hobby
 
 Sometimes the problem we have is the lack of a hobby. When you come home from a hard day at work you're not doing yourself any favors by sitting down to watch TV then going to bed. It means your whole life revolves around work and you are just passing the time until you go to work tomorrow. If you have a hobby you are interested in it gives your mind a break at night. You can throw your mind behind something you love and you forget about everything else. Everyone needs a passion in their life and when you do it will improve your stress and anxiety levels.


This article is contributed by hypnosis expert, William Hughes who also authors a stress relief blog. He recommends readers to visit Krown Hypnosis, a healing center to recover and cleanse your body to be healthy and energetic.