Happy Weekend

I have enjoyed a nice quiet weekend. It was much needed. My mental health has improved a bit and apparently those antibiotics are doing wonders for my tooth because the pain is not nearly so awful now.

A few days ago I bought my first anti wrinkle cream. I am starting to have some fine lines on the sides of my forehead. I don't really know how successful wrinkle creams are and I only got a relatively cheap one made by Neutrogena. I like the feel of it and it has sunscreen so maybe it will at least prevent sun damage. I have been fortunate in life to always look years younger than I actually am so these recent signs of aging are a little daunting. But I won't allow myself to become too vain about it ;)

I Don't Know

Whether things are coming together or falling apart, it's how you look at it that counts, I guess. Down here in the valley I can only see the broken and the breaking. I may see things differently by tomorrow. Right now, in this moment, I feel like I have already lost everyone that I love. Maybe that's just the paranoia talking, the fear of abandonment. But who can really say what is truth and what is a lie? How can we judge anything past what we feel in our gut? Just because I have a mental illness, does that mean my heart never tells me the truth?  I am so mixed up inside and I don't know how I can get fixed so I think correctly. What is correctly? I wish I knew.

Two More Days

Two more days until my dentist appointment. I went to the ER last Sunday for antibiotics because the toothache is so bad. Apparently it's an exposed nerve. There is no abscess. I am hoping the dentist will go ahead and pull the tooth Friday. The pain has been one of the worst pains I have ever felt in my life, right up there with giving birth and the time I accidentally burned my eyeball with a curling iron. I'm sure pain has at least a little to do with my current mental state. Pain can truly drive you insane. So pain, nausea, depression, paranoia, hallucinations, anxiety, and racing thoughts have been my life this week. I can't even read to escape reality because I can't concentrate. But enough moaning and groaning. I know things could still be worse than this. At least I have a good support system. That makes a difference.

No Time for a Nervous Breakdown

Last Night

I'm definitely calling my doctor tomorrow. I had a complete emotional breakdown followed by a panic attack this evening and I still feel awful. I am past the point of pretending I'm okay. I am 99% sure I need a meds adjustment. Too many bipolar symptoms going on to deny that. I'm exhausted so I don't feel like writing about it but I need some kind of outlet. As much as I wanted to I couldn't bring myself to wake up my husband to talk me through the fit of sobbing I had. He already deals with so much. I feel so alone even though I know at least my husband would try to be there for me. I just hate for him to see me so weak. I love him so much. Why should he constantly have to pick up the pieces I've scattered?

This Morning

I started to call my doctor but glanced through my planner and realized I don't have a free day to go there for at least two weeks. No time for a nervous breakdown. I don't know, maybe I can move something around... Things don't seem as urgent as they did last night.

Update: The earliest available appointment is August 9th. Better than nothing. Hopefully I won't get so bad off that I need hospitalization. I am feeling okay at the moment, except I keep seeing open doors everywhere I look. It's hard to pretend they aren't there. I know these doors aren't real but getting them to disappear is hard.

Losing My Mind

I think I am going to have to start going to a therapist again. It was suggested for me by my mental health clinic to do that months ago, but I talked myself out of it. Talking is emotionally draining, it would be yet another thing my husband would have to drive me to each week, I can handle my thoughts on my own, yada yada. But things have gotten worse and I feel like I am falling apart cell by cell. I have too much going on inside my head, things I can't really explain to anyone, and I don't know if a therapist would be able to piece my emotions together or not. But maybe it's time to try. Therapy has helped me in the past, but I have gone so long without needing it. I have had a good support system with my husband, and I still do, but...I'm getting so paranoid and insecure and up and down, up and down that I can't make sense of anything. My panic attacks have come back. My mind won't shut off its relentless torturing thoughts. I know I'm overreacting to everything. I'm having a lot of depressing self-centered thoughts, like I'm not good enough, everyone is going to leave me, I'll be all alone, etc. I know I'm being irrational, or at least I hope I am.

Ugh, enough whining. I hate to even be writing this.

I really don't think my meds are working anymore.

Jacen's Birthday

Yesterday my son turned 7! I'm not sure how time goes so quickly. It feels like he was just born yesterday. Here's a flashback to 2011:

"One important aspect of character is the ceaseless desire to improve."

– John Wooden

Weird Wonderings of the Day

Is it normal to be so happy it feels like your heart is breaking?  Maybe it's a bipolar thing. I feel so happy it makes me sad. I can't be the only one.

Happy 4th of July!

I hope everyone is having a nice, safe holiday. My aunt invited me to a fireworks celebration tonight but I had to decline because there would not be an easily accessible restroom on site and with my stone issue I have to go like every fifteen minutes. Oh well. Maybe next year. I'm actually enjoying having a quiet evening at home. I'm making tacos (with low carb tortillas) and hopefully we will be able to see the neighbor's fireworks from here. That's enough excitement for me.