Psychiatry Appointment

I met with my psychiatrist today. Kind of. They have this new thing where the doctor isn't actually there. You have to talk to them on a video screen. Due to lack of sleep my mind is drawing a blank to what that is called. It will come to me. Anyway, I told my doctor about my insomnia and she is doubling my nightly dose of Vistaril. Hopefully that will do the trick and not leave me with a hangover the next morning.

My mom has become depressed and she told her home health nurse about it today, but the nurse said that medication wasn't the answer, that my mom had to think positively and get out and do more and exercise. While I agree that all those things help, I know from personal experience that when you are truly depressed those things are nearly impossible. Sometimes you need a med to give you a little lift out of the hole so you actually feel like doing those things that will further help. Personally I think a good antidepressant would help my mom. Right now she wants to sleep all the time and feels worthless. She can't do many types of exercise because she isn't supposed to be moving her arms in order for her breast bone to heal from her surgery. She has trouble walking so it's hard for her to get out and do stuff outdoors. I understand why she is depressed. I would be too. I am insisting that she visits her actual doctor and talks to him about it. I know medication isn't always the answer, but it sure can help sometimes.

Insomnia

Insomnia used to be quite frequent for me before I started taking the meds I am on now, especially when I was manic or severely depressed. For about five years I have had very little trouble going to sleep, probably because my moods have been so stable. However, a couple of months ago I started waking up several times a night, and was sometimes unable to go back to sleep. Now, for the past week or so I am having a very hard time going to sleep. I have taken some over-the-counter sleep aids like Tylenol PM, Unisom, Melatonin, etc, and I'm still finding it hard to fall asleep. I am scheduled to see my psychiatrist this Thursday so I guess I will mention it then. I feel hesitant for my meds to be changed since, for the most part, I have done so well for years. But I have to sleep. It has always been really important to my mental health to get adequate rest. When my sleep schedule gets messed up my bipolar symptoms come out to play. So far I haven't had that happen this time, but I am starting to feel really run down.

My husband has severe insomnia and has to use prescription meds for his. I have tried his Ambien before and it made me feel like I had restless leg all over my body, then I blacked out and apparently raided the fridge though I have no recollection of it. I don't really want to take a drug that makes me do things I don't remember. His other med is Amitriptyline. In his doctor's words, his dosage is strong enough to knock out an elephant. He offered me one last night but I'm afraid I would never wake up if I took that!

So...I'll just see what my doctor says Thursday. Now I'm off to attempt sleep again...

“Great minds have great purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.”

- Washington Irving

Summer Plans

Jacen did a great job this school year and was, for the most part ;) , a pleasure to homeschool. His grades are:

1st grade Math: 97
1st grade Language Arts: 93
1st grade Language Arts Ext.: 94
2nd grade Science: 93
2nd grade Social Studies: 91

He began the school year reading very little and now he is reading on a 3rd grade level. He's still struggling with handwriting but we are working on it. He loves science the most.

We are finishing up some first grade concepts in math and language arts this summer and should be ready to advance to 2nd grade by August. I feel so blessed to be able to teach my son. Some days can be pretty challenging, but overall I love it and wouldn't trade this time together for the world.

I'm going to spend this weekend coming up with a fun summer schedule. I have some games and activities saved on Pinterest that I would like to try. I hope my daughters get to come over at least a few times this summer. I have some ideas of things we could do together too. We haven't taken a vacation trip in a few years and that will not change any time soon, but I am trying to save up for maybe a short trip this fall or next summer. Since my husband works at a hotel we will probably go swimming there a few times, and we have a park nearby that has a man made beach. I hate the summer heat and humidity but at least swimming is a good way to cool off. Other than that, I try to stay indoors with the a/c.

I hope everyone has a good Memorial Day weekend.

Lazy Sunday

I'm not feeling very well today but the couch is cozy and I have a big stack of books so life is good.

"Happiness is living by inner purpose, not by outer pressures." ~David Augsburger

FOOD

My husband's birthday party was a success yesterday. We had tons of food. Ham, mac & cheese, Brussels sprouts au gratin, green beans, devilled eggs, orange dream salad and cranberry pecan salad...

and Oreo ice cream cake!

Everyone enjoyed the food and had a nice time. 

Since Mother's Day is always such a terribly busy time in restaurants we waited until lunch today to have my special meal. We went to On The Border and it was so good! I got a grilled shrimp burrito bowl and I ate nearly every bite. 

Ah, so much good food in the past two days. I have thoroughly enjoyed eating like a glutton :) But now it's time to get back on track with smaller portions and less sugar/carbs. My goal is to lose 20 lb this summer. A small amount compared to the total I need to lose, but small goals work better and are less daunting. My big plan is to start exercising again. I do exercise...occasionally. But I want to make it a daily thing again. I feel up to the challenge. 

Not Broken

Someone posted this on Facebook today and I love it. It describes me and my life quite well. I have a lot of shattered pieces glued together from the past. Some of those shards still cut through my heart. Last night my oldest daughter told me that she and her sister would probably not be coming to see me on Mother's Day. They are going to their stepmother's parents' house instead. I know they consider their stepmom to be their "real" mom due to circumstances, and I understand why. But I can't say that it doesn't hurt tremendously to not see my children on Mother's Day. I love them more than I can even begin to say in words, and I just pray they know that every day of their lives. As my mom told me this morning, I may hurt because of this but I have a responsibility to keep myself together for my son's sake. I still have a chance to be the mom to him that I couldn't be to my girls when they were little. I intend to not fail so much with him. Sometimes I feel like I fail anyway, but I'm trying. Of course, I tried with my daughters, and still do, but life had some twists that we never saw coming.

So no, I am not put together at all, but I'm trying to find the beauty in the good moments, to remember the good memories, and make new ones along the way. Some parts of my life are ugly. They are called my mistakes. I don't get a do over. I'm just doing the best I can with what I have. It's all anyone can do.

I hope everyone who reads this has a Happy Mother's Day.

The Smell of Death

I will catch up on blog reading next week. This week I have been preparing to have my in-laws over for a party celebrating my husband's birthday and Mother's Day since they fall on the same day this year. I still have some cleaning to do and now there is apparently a dead mouse hidden somewhere in our kitchen. It smells awful! I I think I have narrowed it down to a corner and of course that would be the corner where a bunch of junk is piled, so I am about to move it all and hopefully do away with the nasty corpse. I have such a weak stomach so this isn't going to be fun, but I certainly want to get it out of here asap! Wish me luck!

Pug Advice

“As a wise Pug once said, all you need is love, kibble and a 

de-worming tablet every three to six months.” 

― Gemma Correll, A Pug's Guide to Dating

Redneck Bird Feeder

Here's an easy thing to do this spring. Take a toilet paper roll, slather it in peanut butter, and roll it in birdseed. Then find a good place to string it up. Jacen didn't like getting peanut butter on his hands but otherwise he had a fun time. We are waiting to see if we have any bird visitors that like it.