The Funeral

I loved this skit. The second run is even funnier than the first. Enjoy!

Germs

I'm having a flare up of OCD. Really bad contamination issues. I can't stop thinking about germs and I don't feel clean and safe no matter how many times I wash my hands. I think the flu epidemic has triggered my anxiety. We have already had the flu this season, but we could get it again and there could be complications and we could die...see how my mind works? It doesn't help that I saw a news article about 37 children dying from the flu already. I try to avoid news for this very reason but Douglas brought it up in conversation. I bet he's regretting that now. The anxiety has made me irritable and not exactly a joy to be around. I wish I could make myself think correctly and not worry so much. Maybe things will calm down soon. I can hope.

“The secret of change is to focus all your energy 

not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

― Dan Millman

Lazy Day and Facebook Thoughts

It's a very rainy day here in Northeast Georgia. I made brunch earlier and have spent time watching Jacen play Roblox and listening to pop song remakes by metal bands with Douglas (FYI most of them were terrible. I'm not fond of pop or metal). This is my Taking It Easy day.  Everyone needs at least one of those days per week.

I've been thinking lately about how much time I spend online. Some of it is necessary. I use Pinterest a lot for homeschooling ideas and recipes. Jacen and I do a lot of googling because he has a million questions a day that I don't have answers to (how did parents get by before the internet??). I spend a little time blogging and reading other blogs. I don't think I do any of these things in excess. But Facebook, oh my. The time I waste on there! And half the time I don't even find it enjoyable. Mostly I'm rolling my eyes at the stupid things some people post. But there's such a pull to see everything. I don't want to miss anything important. But, really, is anything on Facebook truly important?

I have taken breaks from Facebook before. The longest break was two months. I really don't miss it much while I'm gone, but I always start wondering how so-and-so is doing and reactivate my account. And then I get all sucked into it again. I don't talk on the phone or visit anyone so social media is how I keep in touch with people. But I should really limit my time on there. I'm just not sure to what extent. Maybe if I just checked it on weekends? I don't know. I'll think about it some more.

Out

A few days ago I tore myself apart about my weight. Today I want to point out a positive thing about myself. Just a few years ago I was diagnosed with agoraphobia and panic disorder. I never left the house unless it was something vital, like a doctor's appointment. Even then, it was 100% guaranteed I would have a panic attack either while I was out or right after I came home. It was a miserable way to live.

Something I take for granted these days is that I can -and do- go out just fine now. I still have a lot of nervousness with crowds. I do still try to avoid that. But I can go to the grocery store and other errands, and I try to do some social stuff with Jacen because I know it is good for him, even if it is hard for me. I have improved, and I'm proud of that. I know I could relapse at some point, but I hope that doesn't happen. Other than not being able to drive I live a pretty normal, functional life. I still have my bad days. I'm still mentally ill. But I'm better, much better, than I was before. And I'm thankful for that.

Click Click Click

My son's fidget cube came in the mail today. I bought one for my husband for Christmas and when Jacen saw it he thought he had to have one too. So he picked this one out on Amazon. I love the colors. I have played a little with it and it's kind of fun. I may get one for myself in the near future. I am wondering if it would help during my panic attacks. Douglas likes them because he likes having something to do with his hands, and he likes the clicking sound. It helps him concentrate. They're pretty neat gadgets.

Weight

Etsy

My eating habits have been awful lately. My exercise, nonexistent. It all comes down to laziness and an obsession with unhealthy food. I'm now at the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I'm ashamed of how I look. I should not hate my body the way I do. I know I sabotage myself with binge eating. I'll start eating well and exercising, losing weight, and then I get scared. Of what, I don't know. I'm afraid of succeeding at anything for some reason. So I'll go back to eating crap I know I shouldn't and I'll slack off exercising, always with some kind of excuse not to. My back hurts, my feet hurt. Always something. Always a reason not to take care of myself. 

I think a lot of it stems from my mom. Back when I was as skinny as a bean pole, she would nit pick at me and tell me I was going to get fat one day like her. I often felt fat back then, even though I was actually underweight. I remained thin until I started having kids, and then a few years ago when I started taking Risperdal for my psychotic symptoms I gained 60 pounds in a very short amount of time, and I have steadily gained since then. I am now considered morbidly obese, weighing 236 at a short height of 5'1. It's embarrassing to admit my weight, but I have to be honest if I want it to change. 

My mom is not eating the way she should, despite my attempts to fix healthy food. Somehow we always end up eating fast food, which is not good for any of us, but especially her. I have tried to go back on a low carb diet but she has resisted it, and she and my husband are always bringing junk food in the house. I know I should be strong enough not to eat it, but if I see it I want it, and it's all downhill from there. 

I know my daughters look down on me because of my weight and lack of willpower, and my son has started making comments about my weight too. Yesterday he asked me if there was a humpback whale in my stomach. Good grief! 

I have to get this weight off. I vow to do better,  starting now. I can't make my mom eat right, but I CAN control what I consume. I CAN control whether I exercise or not. It's time to do better, and not quit, ever! I'm not even going to focus on the weight. I'm just going to focus on making healthy choices. I would like to talk to my doctor about coming off Risperdal. It has helped me so much, but at what cost? It makes me hungry ALL the time. If I could just do a test run to see if I'm okay without it...I'll have to talk to my doctor about it. 

So, that's where I'm at now. Needing to change and wanting to change mean nothing if I don't go through the act of changing. This is me, changing. Finally. 

Georgia Weather

It is a beautiful, sunny day right now in Northeast Georgia. We were supposed to have snow start falling around noon, but now they are saying 6 p.m.  As of 1:30 p.m. there are no snow clouds in sight, but you never know what tricks Georgia weather will pull on you. People often say our weather is bipolar. I can see the similarities. One thing is for certain: if you don't like the weather now then stick around a few hours and it is bound to change.

Titanic Cats

Ever since I did a unit study about the Titanic, my son has been obsessed with all things Titanic. I have shown him clips of the Titanic movie that aren't too graphic. He loves watching the iceberg hit and the ship sinking. We must have watched those clips a hundred times. I don't mind. I love that movie. We have also read countless books about it.

Jacen's new interest is funny cat videos. We have found an abundance of them on YouTube, and I love hearing him laugh at them. Tonight I came across a video that combined both of these favorite interests of his. Keep in mind, it's kind of silly, but kind of funny too.

Jacen liked it. How about you?

Back on Track

It has been a long month and a half of sickness. We still aren't at 100%, but I'm praying we are soon. This was going to be the week that we got back on schedule with school and chores and all that jazz. Amid leftover virus symptoms and fevers and just plain exhaustion it didn't happen. But Monday, God help me, we have to start anew.

I still have a Christmas tree up and messes galore all throughout the house. How easy it is to look at the whole picture all at once and become so overwhelmed that it paralyzes any ability to work on it. I had a friend call me a few days ago and she was as overwhelmed as I am. She asked my advice on what to do. I felt like saying "You've seen my house. Does it look like I have the answer?" But instead I told her the only pointers I have within me:

• Make a list of everything you want to accomplish each day. Everything you want to make time for throughout the week. Housework, exercise, prayer time, etc.; whatever you feel is most important, jot it down.
• Make a realistic schedule with room for forgiveness. Something too rigid is likely not going to stick. Start small. You can add on later as you get better at upholding a schedule in the first place.
• Each morning make a small list of specific chores that need to be done. Personally, I like to designate a day for each room. Mondays for laundry and bedroom, Tuesdays for bathroom, Wednesdays for foyer and living room, Thursdays for kitchen, Fridays for playroom and outside/porches, Saturday for vehicles and whatever odd jobs need to be done, Sunday for rest. So, then your specific list for, say, Thursday might be: reorganize utensils, put away groceries that are still stacked on the table, sweep and mop floor. Then check each item off when completed. There are obviously some things that need to be done every day, like dishes and maybe a load of laundry or sweeping up dog hair. So make a note of that.
• When truly behind, decide what needs to be done immediately for sanitation's sake. Like a sink full of dishes or the toilet. Do those first. Then go on to the next thing, like laundry. Focus on simple steps and not the whole house. So hard to do, but necessary. 

I have the joy of fitting in homeschooling time on my schedule, but I have come up with a schedule that works for us.

I have gotten wayyy off track since Mom's heart attack and the holidays and the illnesses. But I know I can get back on track. I'm so much happier when I am on a schedule. When I get used to this again I plan to try getting up at 6 a.m. to fit in an hour of writing. I have tried this in the past and ended up just sleepily staring at the computer for the majority of the hour, but I'm going to give it another try. 

Doggies

I used to dislike dogs. They bark, they slobber, they shed. They're so needy. But then I ended up with five! Technically, three of them are my mom's, but since we live together I consider them mine too.

Penny is our little shih tzu and she is the oldest. She just turned eight. She's cute but man, is she grouchy! To be the smallest of our dogs, she thinks she is big stuff. She is constantly picking fights, even though she has lost most of her teeth. It's comical.

Beau is a mixed breed, of what I don't know. Maybe some lemon beagle or English pointer. Who cares. What matters is he is a very pretty, smart, obedient dog. If I had to pick a favorite dog it would be him. He is so sweet. He often has a depressed or embarrassed expression on his face, which just adds to his cuteness. The only problem with Beau is that he is a fraidy cat. He is scared of the dark, of thunder, gunshots, anything loud. I can't blame him. Those things scare me too. When he is afraid the best thing to do is put him under a blanket and snuggle close to him.

Ozzy is a mix of black lab and chow. He belonged to my uncle but when he had to go into the nursing home, Ozzy found a home with us. I have to admit, he's a pretty stupid dog. He's the kind of dog that will stand out in the rain barking instead of getting up on the screened-in porch where it's dry. And he'll pee on the furniture right after being outside to use the potty! But, despite his lack of brains, he is a very sweet dog. He knows when I am not feeling well, mentally or physically, and will climb up in my lap, as big as he is. He has gentle eyes and a comforting heart. 

Lucy. Oh my goodness, Lucy. Well, she's a little psychopath. She will randomly attack any of the other dogs for no reason at all. My mom rescued her from the side of the road. The vet did x-rays and said by the looks of it she was likely abused by her previous owner. I guess she has her nervous ticks and viciousness from that. The great thing about Lucy is she can sense my mom's diabetic lows. Anytime my mom's blood sugar is too low Lucy will lick her face frantically. She has woke my mom up on several occasions when this has occurred. No doubt, she has saved her life a few times. So we put up with her crazy side. We all have our faults. 

Last but not least, we have Zilla, our pug. My husband has loved pugs for a very long time and two years ago his mom bought him one for his birthday. He is as cute as a button but so much friskier than the average pug. He is getting a little lazier as he ages, but he was nonstop there for a while. My son has a love-hate relationship with him. They like to aggravate each other. Zilla likes to bug the other dogs too. They are all too lazy to keep up with his shenanigans. He can be annoying at times, but I love him just the same. 

So yeah, I used to dislike dogs, and sometimes I still dislike dogs (the barking and messes, oh my!) but I have found them to be very loveable creatures as well. They are more like children than pets, and they certainly keep life interesting.  

The Book Thief

My sick husband is camped out on the couch. My son is watching Dinotrux on Netflix. Nothing to do but snuggle up on this cold evening with a new book. I've been meaning to read this one for a while. And no, I have not seen the movie.

My oldest daughter, Kayley, turned 18 today. This is the first time I have ever not seen one of my children on their birthday. It was my choice, though. I didn't want her to catch the flu or stomach bug, both of which are making their rounds in this house. When we get well I am going to have a little party for her. Hopefully that will happen soon.

Again

Apparently I'm having a relapse of the flu. What gives??  I even had the flu shot this year, though I know it doesn't always work. I just hope my son doesn't catch it again. Douglas and my mom have been lucky so far. I guess their flu shots worked. 

No luck on my resolutions so far, but I'm sure I will make some headway after I get well. 

Mentally I'm doing great. I hope the flu doesn't change that. Last time I was in a very dark place for a few days. 

I was planning on going to the library tomorrow but I don't want to spread my germs. I'm out of stuff to read and it's driving me crazy! I have a stack of Reader's Digest somewhere around here, but I want to read an actual book. I have some on hold at the library so maybe my dear sweet husband will pick them up for me ;) I averaged 1-2 books a week last year, and I hope to either meet or beat that amount this year. I wish I could read every single (good) book in the world before I die but I don't have a magic wand for that. So I will just have to read as many as I can until my unfortunate demise. I've always pictured myself dying at the age of 42, so that doesn't give me much time. Three and a half years will go by quickly.

2018

Happy New Year! I hope 2018 is kind to us all. I have been kind of lazy today, but I'm saving up my energy to cook this evening. I'm making black eyed peas, cornbread, collards, squash casserole, garlic parmesan mashed potatoes, and mac and cheese.

My goals this year are to lose weight, do a better job of homeschooling (we have gotten a little behind since Mom had her heart attack), write more, and do a better job of cleaning the house. So I have my work cut out for me. I am not going to push myself to write a whole book this year like I had planned because I think I have enough on my plate right now, but I do want to get some of it done. I am going to figure out some mini goals for my writing time. One part of that is getting up early enough to have time to write. I love to sleep and it's so hard getting out of a warm bed, especially in winter. It's something I need to work on. I'm feeling optimistic.