Back on Track

 After nearly two months of moving the least amount possible (and subsequently gaining many pounds), I did some exercise this evening. It wasn't much, but it was something, and I plan to get back to the level of fitness I was at before the depression hit. Hopefully I'll get even better. I swear, I'm like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with taking care of myself. When I'm feeling good I eat healthy food and I exercise nearly every day. But when that dark cloud hits, I just don't care. I don't even want to live, let alone put the effort forth to take care of myself. And I know diet and exercise HELP depression, but my priorities change when I'm not myself. It's a terrible cycle to be on, and I feel so bad about it, but at least I'm trying to get back on track now. 

In Good Spirits

 I find myself having concentration issues this evening. I can't focus to read. Nothing too worrisome. Just a mild annoyance. 

My son and I put the Christmas tree up and decorated it, so I'm glad we got that done. I did a lot of laundry yesterday, but then I decided to change out my summer/winter clothes and that resulted in a lot more laundry that I am working on today. 

We tossed out Thanksgiving leftovers today so that means I have to cook supper tonight. I'm feeling up to it, not dreading it like usual. I'm making a boxed Jambalaya and garlic bread, so nothing difficult. I had hoped to make Mom's belated birthday cake today, but I haven't had time. Perhaps tomorrow. 

All in all, I'm in good spirits and I hope the feeling lasts. I still feel a lot of fatigue but hopefully that will improve as soon as I get back to an exercise routine and healthier eating. I've been having back pain (no doubt from weight gain) but if I can just lose about ten pounds that should improve. I aim to do an exercise video tomorrow. 

Better

 I made it through Thanksgiving! And I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed by all the laundry I'm behind on and the lesson plans I need to write, and blah blah blah so many things I haven't been doing because I was too unwell. Right now I just want to take it easy and enjoy feeling good for the first time in months. I want to get the Christmas tree out and decorate it with the kids, but I really need to attack the laundry. I have a load of clothes washing, and a load of towels to do afterwards. The rest of it is clean but in wrinkly piles that I'm going to have to fluff again in the dryer before I hang them up. And there's a lot of clean towels mixed in with the piles of clean clothes, so it's just a major mess in the laundry room. So that is my goal for the day. Savor life, but also get the laundry done. Wish me luck! 

Hope

 I found the following Facebook post I wrote seven years ago today. How fitting that it is exactly what I needed today. 

"Day #24:  I am thankful for this beautiful day after such bad rainy weather yesterday.  It's a great reminder that we go through storms in life, but there is always a reason to hold on until a brighter day emerges. I am thankful for the times I have held on, even when every shred of my being screamed it wasn't worth it.  Always a new day came, one with hope and breathing room and clarity.  And so it will be for the rest of my life.  Storms, holding on, beauty.  Rinse and repeat."

Today I will clean our home. I won't finish, I know, but I will do what I can, with what I have, where I am. No, I don't feel better, but I will try harder because it's important. That's what I'll do. 

The Way It Is

 I felt okay this morning but then things fell apart and now I'm having paranoia issues. Or at least I hope it's just paranoia. I can't bear it if it's true. I've just gotta stop thinking about it. 

I talked to my husband last night about having Thanksgiving at his Mom's house instead of here, but he said we couldn't and listed a number of valid reasons why we couldn't. So it's still on for here. He said not to worry about what the house looks like, but he doesn't understand how ashamed I am of it. It's hard to explain. I wanted to cancel Thanksgiving altogether, but I didn't say that. I don't want to upset everyone and we already have a turkey thawing and I just have no way of getting out of this. We are having our get together Friday instead of Thursday because my husband has to work overnight and he thought that would be easier. So I have one extra day to prepare, to worry, to break down. I'll be glad when it's over with. 

Another Bad Day

My husband fixed a good supper tonight. I don't have much of an appetite, but I really appreciate him cooking for everyone. How else would they eat?

It's been another bad day. I keep thinking I won't survive this, and yet every day bleeds into a new one, as bleak as the last, but still I'm surviving. 

I haven't been through an episode this bad since the girls were little. That time things didn't turn out so well, but at least I know what I'm dealing with this time around. I know this place. It's a bad one. It has to be a bad place to make you feel like your children would be better off without you, and to find any way besides death to do that is even worse. It scars the whole family. I won't make that mistake again. But in its place, what WILL I do? 

I feel like I'm screaming for rest and recovery and I can't get it. I know I'm going to snap. There seems no way to stop it. Every little thing in my life seems impossible to do. Brushing my hair, too hard. Cooking, too overwhelming. Childcare, too exhausting. Cleaning, too complicated. So I sit around in a lazy blanket of discomfort, twiddling my thumbs, crying here and there, cursing and sighing at other times. I take care of my children, but I'm not fooling them. They know something is off. They know I'd rather be asleep in bed. I'm trying so hard it doesn't even feel like effort anymore. It feels like dying. 

I don't know if the meds I'm on are going to save me in time. I don't know if I should just be patient, or what. I'd stay in the hospital while things get sorted out, but there's no one to look after the kids. No one to take care of my mother. No one to do all these things that I'm doing, but doing horribly. There's no one. 

Better

That mixed state yesterday turned into a horrible breakdown with suicidal thoughts and halfway plans. I almost called the Suicide Hotline but I was afraid they would call the cops to my home. Thankfully, I got through it without any regrettable actions and I had a good talk with a friend afterwards and she helped me a lot because she understands what it's like. I also had another good friend tell me that the hotline is actually helpful, that they mainly just listen and let you vent out what's going on. So I will keep that in mind for the next time. I am so thankful for these two friends. They probably saved my life.

Then, during the night my mom fell and her blood sugar dropped dangerously low. It was 25 when the paramedics got here. They couldn't get it stabilized here so they took her to the hospital. They did an MRI and stuff because we weren't sure if she had hit her head (she couldn't respond to us at the time). Thankfully everything looked fine with her head and no broken bones, so as soon as they got her blood sugar stabilized they sent her home. She is okay now. Today is her 71st birthday, by the way. 

After such an emotional time, and barely any sleep, I have surprisingly felt calmer today. Still depressed and barely able to function but my mood is a little more hopeful and I am not having suicidal thoughts. I've tried to relax as much as possible and it has helped. My MIL sent us supper via Door Dash so I didn't have to worry about trying to cook. That was a huge help to me. After so many horrible days, I consider today a good one. 

Spinning

 Last night was another bad night for sleep. Granted, I took that late nap yesterday, so what did I expect? Today I'm having some rapid thoughts and feel like I'm in a mixed state. I can't tell if the whole world is swirling around me while I'm completely still, or if I'm the one who is spinning. It's a sickening feeling. It's like an itch I can't scratch. I want to pull my hair out and distort my face and pluck out my eyeballs. 

Maybe the meds are trying to find a level ground among all the jagged rocks. Maybe they will find home soon. God, I hope so. 

Numb

 To be honest, I was feeling really suicidal last night. I didn't plan to do anything, but I kept thinking about it. Today I'm just numb. I don't really care about anything. I assume this is just effects of stopping the Prozac. I'm hoping the Cymbalta kicks in soon. 

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I took a nap this evening, just a short one. I had planned to sleep through supper, just pretend I didn't need to cook and the family didn't need to eat.  But I woke up at 5:30 p.m. and the guilt set in, so I put a frozen Italian meal in the oven and served it with garlic bread. I wasn't hungry but I ate a little anyway. I might as well since I cooked. If you want to call heating up a frozen meal cooking. It involved turning on the oven at least. 

Now I'm counting down to bedtime. I wish I could go back to bed, but I have a toddler so that's out of the question. I wish I had a babysitter I could call, but I don't trust anyone with my kids and I don't have any money to pay them anyway. It's almost 8 p.m. now, so bedtime isn't too far. Why does it feel so far away? 

Coming Off Prozac

It's been quite a while since I blogged, or journaled, or wrote anything anywhere for that matter. I don't feel comfortable sharing graphic details of my mental adventures on Facebook, because God forbid I upset someone or make someone think I'm an unfit mother, or anything like that. I need an outlet for all I'm feeling though, and I believe the people who may land on this blog may understand. 

I have a lot of catching up to do, but I don't feel like doing it, so just suffice it to say I was doing great until midyear 2020, then things started going downhill, and it's been a rocky road ever since. I've went through a couple of med changes since then. The winning cocktail since around 2014 had been Risperdal, Lamictal, Vistaril, and Celexa. When I became pregnant with my youngest daughter in 2018 I discontinued the Vistaril due to it not being safe during pregnancy or breastfeeding. I was still doing pretty well but I think the stress of the world changing due to Covid started to send cracks down the sides of my mental health, as it did with many people. In 2020 I got better insurance through my husband's employer so I switched to Doctors on Demand so I wouldn't have to leave my house to see a psychiatrist. I saw one psychiatrist for about a year. She switched me from Celexa to Prozac because she said it would help my depression and anxiety, especially with OCD. For the next several months I would show an improvement in depression but the anxiety got worse, so she'd increase the dose of Prozac. Each time she did that I would feel pretty good for a little while and then crashed hard. Her answer every time was to increase the Prozac. I was up to 120 mg a day which is higher than the FDA recommended amount, but she kept assuring me that it was common to use a high dosage like that for OCD and that it was perfectly safe. I had my doubts but I trusted her. Then I had a check up with my general practitioner and he was "very concerned" about the high dosage. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist a couple of days after that and I was going to discuss it with her, but she was a no show for my appointment. I made a new appointment for two days after that, and she missed it as well. At this point I decided to switch to a new psychiatrist, and my husband recommended his. So far I have met with the new one twice and I really like him. The past couple of weeks I've been coming off Prozac and taking Cymbalta in its place. I've been really depressed, extremely overwhelmed with daily responsibilities, and overall just not doing well. I know it will take a while to see a change and decide whether the med change was a good choice, and I'm trying to be patient, but I'm freaking out that it's almost Thanksgiving. Here I am on the verge of a mental breakdown and I'm supposed to host Thanksgiving (like I do every year). My husband and MIL are doing some of the cooking but I still have a few sides I'm in charge of. What really stresses me is the condition of our home. It's beyond messy and is going to involve a lot of hard cleaning. I've really let the place go in the past year or so, and I'm ridiculously behind on chores. As it is now, I'm having trouble with simple things like cooking supper and being a good mother/teacher for my kids, and taking care of my mother. That literally takes everything out of me to just do the bare minimum. And yet I've got a week to do a year's worth of housework, get the cooking done, and all while taking care of a two year old. I'm about to lose it. I want to cancel Thanksgiving so bad, but I know I can't let my family down. They would be really upset with me. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, I can only do the best I can, and my "best" these days leaves much to be desired. 

Today I typed out the menu for Thanksgiving and started on a grocery list. We already have the turkey in the freezer, but there are several items I still need to get. Yesterday I made a sad pathetic cleaning list that I have yet to start on because I'm lazy/depressed and up to my eyeballs in daily stress. I just hope I can pull this off and keep out of the mental hospital. 

There's more but I'm tired of writing. I don't know if anyone will read this besides me, but at least I got it off my chest.