Happy New Year!

I had such a great time with the kids yesterday and this morning. They seemed to really like their presents, especially the hats I got my daughters. They say "Barn Hair Don't Care", very fitting for them. 

Jacen went right to work on his new Lego set. 

I love the Pug jar the girls got us. We are pug fanatics :) 

Jacen and I are going to play games and make party hats to celebrate tonight. We probably won't stay awake until midnight, though. Douglas has to work, as always :) I have no complaints about 2017, even though some parts were hard; other times were amazing. I have a few goals for 2018 that I hope I stick to. If I can accomplish just one of them I'll be doing alright.

Change of Plans

Tomorrow was supposed to be the day of our family get together, but my mother-in-law is sick and I am still having some health issues, so no big meal to cook for. My daughters are still coming over, and two of Jacen's cousins are coming to play for a little while. I'm not sure what I will do for lunch or supper tomorrow, but I'll figure out something.

Sunday we are opening presents with my three children. I am so looking forward to it!

Not the Merriest Christmas

Jacen is feeling a lot better, but now I have the flu and a UTI. I won't be attending my family's Christmas get together over at my aunt's house. Douglas's family is supposed to come here on the 30th so hopefully I can get better and get the house cleaned up before then. I haven't even planned a menu yet. Food is the furthest thing from my mind. I feel guilty that I had all these plans for Christmas crafts and stuff to do with Jacen that never got done. We haven't gone to look at Christmas lights. I haven't even wrapped presents yet. I'm feeling a lot of depression right now. I'm sure being sick makes it worse.

I just talked to my oldest daughter and both of her newborn lambs died, plus she had to take one of her goats to the vet and it may have to be put down. My heart breaks for her. She cares so much for her animals. Farm life is hard work.

A Puny Little Update

I haven't felt like writing lately. My son has the flu and I'm not feeling so hot either. Mom is doing a little better, which helps me out a great deal. I have some news, but it is for another day.

The Benefits of Journaling

When I checked my inbox today I noticed I had an email from Penzu.com stating that it had been a while since I posted an entry. I only vaguely remember joining Penzu, it must have been two years ago or so. I never posted anything to it at all, but it looks like a neat little place to have an online journal. In the email I received from them today they listed a few benefits of journaling, such as

• Less stress & improved moods
• Reduced blood pressure & improved immune system
• Improved memory

I can definitely see how journaling/blogging/etc. relieves a little stress. In the past it has helped me through some of the worst parts of mental illness, and right now it gives me an outlet to express my frustrations as caregiver to my mom. I basically write about the things I don't deem appropriate to vent about to those around me. I think it does tend to improve my mood. Self expression has a way of doing that, most of the time. Though, sometimes dwelling on certain things tend to make the problem worse. 

I haven't recorded whether it has helped my blood pressure or immune system. I would have to do some research to find proof of this, but it seems like common sense that if your moods are stable and your stress is minimized your overall health will improve as well. 

Improved memory? Maybe for some! I think my short-term memory is pretty shot. But the act of writing does help me to remember things from the past, so I guess that counts. 

Like I said, I would have to do some research into these claims but they make sense and I thought I would jot them down. At least it's a break from my usual posts. 

Sleepy Sunday

Mom fell out of her bed again this morning. Thankfully no damage to her chest was done. She's just sore. Douglas is ordering her some bedrails. She isn't happy about it, but she has fallen off numerous times (this is the first time since her surgery though). We should have done this sooner.

I am super tired today. I need to catch up on housework, that's what my mind says, but my body says no. Guess who's winning. 

It snowed here the day before last...well, I should say it snowed in every town around us. We just got slush from the mixture of snow and rain, so I didn't take a picture of it. Jacen was a little disappointed, but maybe he will get his snow before winter ends. 

The Storm Inside

I just finished The Storm Inside by Sheila Walsh. I am so glad I chose to read it. I came away with a new perspective on things. This book addresses feelings such as disappointment, unforgiveness, shame, regret, fear, insecurity, insignificance, despair, and rage. I think the chapter that spoke the most to me was the one about regrets, though all the topics were relevant to me in varying degrees. I am going to seek out some more of her books to read. She really has a way with words, she understands mental illness, and she seems to be biblically sound as far as I can tell. That's so hard to find these days.

Unraveling

I am feeling so overwhelmed today, like I'm hanging by a tiny little thread. I'm not holding up well under all these added responsibilities. I wish I could just be normal and do stuff without it adding to the chaos in my head. All I want to do is curl up in a fetal position and cry, or sleep until I can handle things better.

Rough Day

Douglas and I went to get groceries today. I was already jittery from caffeine withdrawal and Jacen was insisting on pushing the buggy and other annoying stuff. Suffice it to say, it took us longer than usual to get all the groceries. We got to the counter to pay and Douglas realized he didn't have the debit card in his wallet. Extremely embarrassing but they were kind enough to save our groceries in the produce cooler while we ran home to look for the card. When we got home we still couldn't find it but Mom offered to write a check. After calling the grocery store to make sure that was alright, we drove back to claim our groceries. They ran everything up and bagged it and then the check declined! So we left the store once again without groceries. When we got home we looked some more for the card and finally found it under the couch cushion. But they had put our groceries back so we will have to make another trip tomorrow to reshop for groceries. The bright side is finding the card, but the stress of it all brought on a very bad panic attack that lasted for over an hour. I ended up taking two Klonopin to ease it off, but now I'm really drowsy. I foresee an early bedtime. We didn't even get school done today. More work for tomorrow. I'm just glad to be home.

"Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next."

~Lewis Carrol, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Oh, I indeed do that.

Caregiver Blues

Mom may have to go to the ER tomorrow. Her incision looks really infected.

Her mind is slipping so much it scares me. A little while ago she asked me if I would wrap the presents she bought. She has not bought any presents. She almost cried when I gently asked her "what presents?"  She gets confused a lot and says off the wall stuff like the thing with the presents several times a day. Her heart doctor said not to worry about it too much right now, that some patients experience that for a while after surgery. Hopefully she will regain some of her brain power.

Tomorrow I need to clean her room. It's a royal mess. I need to clean the rest of the house too. I haven't been to church in so long, and I usually try to have a day of rest on Sundays, but I seem to have so much I need to get done asap. Maybe I can rest Monday. Doubtful!

The diet is going well, at least. I managed to get Mom to eat three meals today. She's bad about skipping meals. I made an in-depth menu for this coming week. It will require me to do more cooking than I normally do because I'm trying to stay away from high-sodium items. That includes most convenient foods, unfortunately.

I haven't had any major mental health issues this week. Just kind of blah, or blue at times. And anxiety, of course. Always anxiety. Nothing I can't handle though.