Breakdown of the System

The remedies we are offered with promise of healing make us sicker. We search for answers only to find more questions. Our quest for safety and understanding lands us in a place of stigma and hostility. Our friendships turn sour from our inability to coincide, and their inability for patience, to bear with us. We are clothed like regular people but our insides are brimmed with monsters, demons, complications. We are perpetual children; we can’t seem to grow up, to grow out. We attempt the perplexity of normalcy, but we look in the mirror every day and see what others cannot perceive. We are mysteries, consumed by the unseen, overwhelmed with the terrors of our own minds. We don’t understand ourselves. Can anyone help us? Will anyone try? They try to forget us, sweep us under the rug, alienate us. And we alienate as well, because we are conditioned to think that is what we deserve. We hurt before we can be hurt. We lose our ability to trust. We are amazing people, brilliant in our own ways. We see the world in brighter colors, louder sounds,  more frightening patterns. We fight our battles with the wrong weapons. We feel defeated. We lose our ground, our everything.

There has to be a better way.

The Core of Destruction, and How to Rebuild Yourself

I am going to share a journal entry of mine from three years ago. I am proud to say that I have come a long way from the person I was when I wrote it. I want to share it because maybe someone reading can relate to it. Perhaps you are dealing with the same emotions, the same immobility to improve your circumstances and enjoy life. Handicaps and illnesses can do that to a person. So can damaging relationships, especially when abuse is involved, and other problematic situations. 

 

Circa 2009

 

I don't know how to deal with change.  With things lost.  Things gained.  Every bit of it leaves me feeling empty. And alone. And scared.  I start questioning decisions I've made, decisions I thought were good ones at the time, decisions that would bring changes for the better somehow.  But do things ever really get better?  Or do we just trade one misery for another all the days of our life? 

I alone have to live with the full quantity of what I've been and what I become.  And when I look in the mirror I see someone who is terrified to move, to speak, to taste what the world has to offer. Because I've seen how wrong things can turn out, and I've conditioned myself to trust only in the inevitable doom that is waiting to pounce around every corner.  Therapists have names for that kind of thinking, and they have their so-called cures for it as well.  But there's only so many layers of your being you can strip away until you're left with nothing at all. 

Perhaps I'm more frightened of what hides at my core than all the heavy cloaks of defects I'm clothed with could ever allude to. 

I conclude from this that I fear myself, and if that is so then how would I ever escape fear, for wherever I go...there I am. 

How can I ever trust my own decisions? Or trust the change that comes about from them as something safe and worthwhile?

 

~~~~~~~

I am relieved that I have endured many of the changes I was so afraid of when I originally wrote the journal entry. None of those changes were easy, and I still have some healing to accomplish, but I am a work in progress, as all of us are. I have learned that as long as I am working toward a goal, then I am living. It is when I become complacent with myself, or disgusted and resolved, that I start losing my passion once again, and for me, that is not acceptable. It shouldn't be for you, either.

Keep moving, dear friends. Keep trying. Keep surviving. Keep loving and hoping and dreaming. The core of destruction is losing your voice and accepting, even expecting, defeat.

Guest Blogger Carrie Wampler: The Emotional Impact of Miscarriage

When I was asked to do a guest post regarding miscarriage, I readily agreed and figured I could whip up a post within a day or two. Three posts and two weeks later, I realized it wasn’t going to be that easy. I write several posts a day on my blog, so I didn’t understand why I was having such trouble writing this post. I then realized that my typical blog posts are light hearted. I usually blog about a new kitchen recipe or offer a fun product giveaway. Discussing the loss of my baby, though, isn’t lighthearted or fun. To be honest, I really have to dig deep within myself for the strength to write such a post as it brings up emotions and feelings that some days I would rather not experience. But I have also learned that discussing the loss of my firstborn is essential for me to grieve and move forward with life. It also gives me the opportunity to encourage and relate to other women who feel totally isolated due to a miscarriage experience.

My miscarriage happened just 4 short months ago. We were one of the few couples who got pregnant within the first month of trying. We were ecstatic and naively told people we were expecting just days after the two lines turned pink. I can’t pinpoint why, but in my heart from the beginning I just knew something didn’t feel right. Several weeks later, my gut instinct proved true as physical symptoms and poor blood work results confirmed I was losing my first baby. 

I didn’t know what to expect emotionally. The physical symptoms ceased within a week, but my emotions were just ramping up. One minute I would be crying, the next I would be lashing out in anger. I was frustrated with my roller coaster of emotions. I was frustrated that my body rebelled on me and caused my baby to die. I was frustrated with myself- was there something I could have done to have stopped it all from happening? 

 Others would try to comfort me, most to no avail. I know their intentions were good, but to hear them say that “I was young” and that “more children would come” just angered me. I didn’t care about other children at that moment; I just wanted that baby back. That baby was the one my heart instantly connected to when I saw the double lines. Regardless, the best comfort to me was the friend that simply hugged me, brought me my favorite chocolate bar and simply said “I am so sorry”. No other words were needed, because there really aren’t any words that can heal the pain the loss of a baby creates.

 I named my baby. Some find that odd as I wasn’t even far enough along to know whether it was a boy or a girl- but I named it Mizpah. Mizpah means ‘watchtower’ and comes from the old testament bible verse that states “The Lord will watch between me and you while we are separate from one another”. I take great comfort in my baby’s name and its meaning, and the connection I feel with my baby will last forever.

You can read more from Carrie Wampler at croutonscorner.com

Taming the Dust Dragons

Nothing puts me in a better mood than housecleaning. Yes, I am fully aware that may sound a little off to a few, but given my OCD tendencies for order and anti-germs, I suppose it's only fitting. Yet, despite my enjoyment of the tasks, I have a lot of difficulty getting them done. I am very scatterbrained, for one thing. I forget what I am doing, lose track of time, and then freak out when I can't remember where I put the baby (hint: usually in the crib or playpen, but it scares me to get distracted from him by being so engrossed in chores). I also get very easily overwhelmed. My manias and mixed states bring about tasmanian devil style thought racing, and I think of so many things I want to do all at once that I scarcely know where to begin. I end up exhausted before I even get started, or I bounce from chore to chore without really finishing any of them. Depression brings its own set of complications with major fatigue, apathy, and consequent self-hatred for getting so behind on housework. Cleaning is actually one of the very few things that will help raise my spirits during a depression, but it's just so hard to get moving! I've learned that if I force myself (and trust me, it's like being the mule and the farmer at the same time), then once I get up and moving it makes me feel better. Plus, there's nothing more uplifting than looking over a clean house and feeling that fresh sense of accomplishment.

I have tried several different approaches to cleaning. FlyLady (created by Marla Cilley) was one of the earlier methods I tried, and while her acronyms and such were cute at first, they grew to be quite annoying after, say, five minutes. Don't get me wrong; she does have a lot of valuable concepts going on, but overall her personality and methods just weren't compatible with my expectations. 

The New Messies Manual by Sandra Felton was a closer fit for me. Her book really helped me see why I procrastinate on housework, so that I could better resolve the issues and get to work! It had a lot of great tips for organizing and making things simpler and more logical in the long run. I have lost my copy of the book, unfortunately. No doubt, it was a victim of poor housekeeping, despite the great knowledge I learned from the book. Hey, no plan is foolproof! 


More recently, I stumbled upon a site that claimed I could easily clean my whole house in 20 minutes a day for 30 days. Ludicrous, you say! Well, see for yourself: Thirty Day Schedule.

 Let me break in for just a moment and explain what I am working with here. I moved in with my fiance two years ago. Before that time, the home had only housed menfolk. His father (who passed away a couple of years ago) originally owned the place, and before I came along the occupants consisted of my fiance and his younger brother. Bachelor pad does not even begin to describe it, folks. I love these guys to death, but it was obvious from the get-go that housework was not high on their priority list (was it even on their list??) I set to work almost immediately after moving in. I got a few things organized. I tackled some of the dust bunnies. I quickly gave up on the stained carpet (did they use their floors for mud bogging?) I was making slow but certain progress, and I was quite proud of myself. Then, pregnancy occurred. And no ordinary pregnancy. This was THE pregnancy from hell. Nausea and vomiting 24/7. Literally 24/7. By the time 2nd trimester rolled around I was able to keep food down, but then I had an even lovelier ailment. My hip/pelvic bones had become misaligned (medical term for this condition is symphysis pubis dysfunction, but I just called it agonizing pain). This required a lot of bed rest and physical therapy. I went on to give birth to a healthy baby boy, and all nine months of discomfort melted away the moment I held him in my arms for the first time. We settled in at home and began the notorious stage of sleep deprivation. I also suffered from some postpartum depression. After I began to feel better and my son had fallen into a halfway decent schedule, I really took in what surrounded me: a really messy house. The dust bunnies had metamorphosed into dust dragons. The organizational improvements I had been so proud of months ago had been undone and forgotten. The idea of trying to get this place presentable again, all while caring for a baby, exhausted me just to think about. But I hate a messy house more than anything. I need cleanliness and order for my mental health. It's just the way I'm programmed. I knew I had to do something, and fast! I came up with my own way of doing things, which was kind of a spin-off of every cleaning book or site I had ever read, adapted for my own special circumstances. Here I will share with you some of my "wisdom" on the subject:

Rule #1  It's okay to have a messy house. Yeah, really! This was the hardest thing for me to accept. I like everything to be perfect, especially if company is coming. This perfectionism often led me to spend great attention to detail on certain things (like the inside of the oven, or the crevices under the bathroom cabinet that no one sees) and totally miss the boat on the regular stuff like sweeping and dusting and blah blah blah. I was trying to do too much, you see. I would get started on ridiculously mundane projects and run out of steam before I got to the the more essential chores. I had to face the fact that I just can't do it all. My children need me more than the mop does. Visitors come to see me, not inspect my domestic performance (and if they do come to inspect, then they shouldn't be allowed to visit anymore!) So I let go. I...let...go. And it wasn't a one time thing. No, I have to let go every day, at every occasion, no matter who might see the house in varying stages of clean or chaos. I just can't bog myself down worrying about what people think of my home anymore. We don't live in an enormous house with a live-in housekeeper. We live in a mobile home that is a little too small for our family, and no amount of scrubbing is going to unleash the fact that it is an aging, small home. And that's perfectly okay. I love my home because it houses my favorite people, and my duty is to nurture them. So before I set out to deep clean our home I ask myself what really needs to be done, and what can wait, which leads me to the next rule...

Rule #2 Health is the foremost concern. If you have ever watched the show Hoarders: Buried Alive you know what an unhealthy home looks like. If there's moldy food in the kitchen, animal feces on the floor, or so much clutter it's dangerous to walk, then your house is not healthy for you or your family. If your child or someone else in the home is asthmatic, then you know how important it is to keep dust and pet dander to a minimum. If someone in the home has limited mobility or trouble walking, then obviously great care should be put into making sure all walking areas are clear of clutter. It is these simple things that we should adjust our efforts to. Think about yourself and the other occupants of your home. What really matters the most, as far as health is concerned? Maybe it's the dust, or the clutter, or something else. Always keep those as your main focus. Realize what can wait and what cannot. The following is my personally adapted monthly schedule. I don't always follow it day by day or word for word, but it is more or less a blueprint for keeping me on the right track and avoiding the slump of getting too behind on any particular chore. If you checked out the site I shared earlier in this post, you will find mine looks eerily similar, and that's because it is! But I adjusted a few things to meet my own needs, and you will certainly need to do the same if you choose to try this type of schedule.

 

The 31 Day Schedule

 

Day 1: Surface clean living room and kitchen (pick up stray items, dust, sweep, vacuum)

Day 2: Clean bathrooms (toilets, showers, floors, walls, mirrors)

Day 3: Surface clean master bedroom (put away items, clothes, dust)

Day 4: Surface clean kids’ bedroom (put away items, clothes, dust)

Day 5: Surface clean living room and kitchen

Day 6: Clean bathrooms

Day 7: Clean all interior windows and doors

Day 8: Sweep and vacuum all floors in the house

Day 9: Surface clean bedrooms

Day 10: Deep clean living room (mirrors, baseboards, dust artwork)

Day 11: Clean bathrooms

Day 12: Clean out closets (hang up clothes, mittens, jackets, hats)

Day 13: Sweep front and back porch, pick up trash in yard

Day 14: Deep clean bedrooms (organize drawers, check under bed, tidy closet, dust artwork, fans, lights,

vacuum/mop)

Day 15: Surface clean living room and kitchen

Day 16: Deep clean bathrooms (clean inside drawers, inside of trash cans, tops of mirrors, tile, mop)

Day 17: Clean/sanitize all door knobs, phones, entertainment equipment (remote controls), switch plates, and other things that are repeatedly touched.

Day 18: Clean out the refrigerator, take stock of food, organize pantry

Day 19: Clean out car

Day 20: Surface clean living room and kitchen

Day 21: Surface clean bathrooms

Day 22: Surface clean bedrooms

Day 23: Sweep and vacuum all floors in the house

Day 24: Clean out bathroom cabinets

Day 25: Surface clean living room and kitchen

Day 26: Deep clean kitchen (scrub appliances, wash trash cans, base boards, wipe down and straighten cabinets)

Day 27: Surface clean bathrooms

Day 28: Surfaces clean bedrooms

Day 29: Clean one item you've been meaning to get to and haven't (deep clean your stove, wipe down all light fixtures, tackle a particularly unruly area)

Day 30: Sweep and vacuum all floors in the house

Day 31: Clean out files (paper and online)

In addition to halfway following the daily schedule, I have a cheat method, which is to use "clutter baskets" to store any misplaced items throughout the week that I just don't have time to put away. At the end of the week, whatever has been placed in the clutter basket must find its home-this is mandatory! Otherwise your clutter basket will become a clutter mountain that takes over half the room. If you have kids, then make it a game. Divide up the stuff in the basket and see who puts their pile up the fastest. You can purchase a decorative container for your clutter basket, or you can do what I do and just use a laundry basket and store it out of sight until it's time to put stuff in it at the end of the day. It's a simple and effortless move for those days when you just don't feel like sorting the stuff out that your family has dragged out and left throughout the day. And if someone is looking for something-a specially loved toy, cell phone, dirty socks-just tell them to check the clutter basket first. It's usually in there, and that's a proven fact.


Rule #3 No (wo)man is an island. You don't have to do it all on your own. Okay, maybe you do. As stereotypical as it may sound, most men aren't fond of household chores and, in fact, don't really even see the point in them. But see if there are certain things they don't mind helping out with. Maybe it's taking out the trash, or loading the dishwasher, or cooking, or a number of other things. My honey helps me out a lot just by washing a load or two of clothes for me when I start getting behind. I know they are going to sit in the basket until I fold and hang them, but the fact that he washed and dried them is terrific! And that's another thing: don't nag your man about stuff like this. If they help, don't complain about the way they did it. Just be glad they did it! Otherwise, you may never get them to help you out again. Likewise, don't nitpick your children about how they didn't do something exactly the way you wanted them to. As long as they got the task done in a functional-for-their-age way, then let it slide. You have less resistance to chores that way. 


To sum it up, let go of your prior conceptions about perfection, and learn to love and enjoy your home. Respect the place that shelters you, and it will feel more like a haven, dust bunnies and all. 


-Amy Purdy

Pardon the Delay

I apologize for not updating the site in several days. I am recovering from mental and physical fatigue and will be adding more content within the next few days. Thank you for your patience.

"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship."  ~Louisa May Alcott