Fragile

 I feel so fragile tonight, and so alone. I know God is with me, and that is a tremendous comfort, but I wish I could reach out to my husband and be able to tell him how I'm feeling. The truth is, I don't really know why I'm feeling so bad. My anxiety has been really bad the past two days, but I've been trying my best. Tonight my BIL unintentionally hurt my feelings by telling me he didn't like what I cooked for supper. He was nice about it, but it still hurt since I've been trying to cook healthy stuff for him since he found out he has heart disease. I'm trying, but it just doesn't seem to be good enough. Trying to fix HIM something heart healthy while at the same time having something my mom likes that she can chew and swallow is hard. I made chili tonight with ground chicken instead of beef and we all liked it...except my BIL. I just can't seem to make everyone happy at the same time. It upsets me and kind of makes me mad too because they take for granted how hard I'm trying. I just want to throw my hands up and say screw all of you! But of course I can't do that. 

My COVID symptoms seemed to have disappeared again but depression has taken its place and I don't know which is worse. I just want a bottle of wine and a good cry and a great big hug from my husband. Is that too much to ask?

Tomorrow I'm supposed to try again with my diet. I don't want to fail again. I've GOT to get this right! I'm heavier than ever and I feel awful. I feel like such a failure, but I know I need to get out of my head and just keep to the rules of healthy eating and exercise. Why is it so hard for me? 

It Continues

 Okay, so I got over COVID and felt really good for about three days...and then the symptoms started all over again. I'm told this is common, or at least possible, to have symptoms on and off for a while. I don't know if it's that knowledge or just the crappy way I feel, but I'm feeling pretty depressed. 

And of course, of course, I keep thinking about this time last year, what was going on, and it still hurts a lot. Will I ever completely heal from it? Am I even supposed to? I need to look forward and not backward. Things are good now, or at least they seem to be. I have no reason to feel otherwise. But the hurt, it's still there, and I mourn what I went through last year. At the same time, I'm in awe that I survived it. It happened and I got through it. That's something to be thankful for. I know I couldn't have done it without God. He held me through it all and I will never forget that love and comfort. 

Still Covid

 Day 12 of being sick with Covid. I have the worst fatigue I've ever felt in my life, as well as some other lingering symptoms that don't want to leave. I'm depressed as well, and irritable, and in a really bad mood. I'm miserable.

My mom was the last in the household to catch it and she had to go to the ER because of it yesterday. She is okay now. Hopefully she won't have anymore complications from it. 

My husband went back to work today. I miss his help with the kids. I'm so tired. 

Covid

 I think my husband and I have Covid, judging by our symptoms and the fact that several of his coworkers tested positive recently. It's been mild but still pretty miserable. So my depression kind of took a backseat, though it's still present. I mean, isn't everyone depressed when they're sick? 

I spoke to my psychiatrist a couple of days ago and he and I agree we should wait a little bit about a med change, to see if it's really needed. I was also talking to him about my desire to lose weight and he thought something like WW would help me. I looked into a couple of groups, WW included, and I'm thinking Noom might be a good fit for me. So I may try that out after I get to feeling better. 

Birthday

 Today my oldest child turned 22. I love my daughter so much and I miss the relationship we could have had if life hadn't gotten so messed up years ago. I find myself yearning to be her friend because that's how cool and witty and awesome she is. I'm just glad she talks to me on Messenger and comes to see me occasionally. Maybe in her eyes I'm still Momma in some ways. I hope so. I pray so. 

I've been depressed these past couple of days and crying about this and that. I'm crying right now, actually. I just feel out of alignment with the life around me, like everyone is a step ahead of me and I'm letting everyone down. I feel like my husband finds me disgusting, even though he's never said or implied that. I feel like my older daughters are embarrassed by my attempts to be part of their lives. I feel like I'm messing up my relationship with my two youngest because I'm always so depressed and anxious and lazy and...just not what they so desperately need. 

I don't know how to get out of this dark hole I've buried myself in yet again. Why have the last two years been so hard? Why can't I reach the stability I had before? I just want to be good for my family, to be good and do good. Why do I keep failing? 

A Botched New Year

 This year is not off to a good start. I've botched my diet all five days. I'm anxious and depressed and burned out and feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown again. I was doing so well just a few days ago. Hopefully this dark place will be a short visit. I don't know how to get this year back on track. I feel so alone in this struggle. I can't even put into words all that I'm feeling. I keep remembering how hard this time last year was, which is not something I will share with anyone, but that part of my life is still hard to forget. I've forgiven, but I'm afraid it will happen again, and that scares me. I can't really say much about it on here because it's private, so I need to just drop it. Suffice it to say, I'm struggling with a lot of hurt feelings, both past and present. Maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me. I don't know. None of this post makes any sense so I need to stop writing. Maybe I should try therapy again. 

Happy New Year!

 I've been doing pretty well with my mental health lately. The meds are working, plus I've been taking more time for myself to read and take care of myself. It helps! This year I want to get my physical health back in shape. I'm going to try to journal my way through it so I have some accountability.

 Day One: I ate healthy all day...until I started getting a migraine tonight and proceeded to self-medicate with Mr. Pibb, cream cheese dip & pita chips, and a slice of cake. My sugar-withdrawal headache is better now, and I'm not going to dwell on the downfall. I'll try again tomorrow. At least I made it until 9 p.m.! Nights are always the hardest. But I'll do better. 

Manic

 I've been hypomanic all day. Cleaning up a storm and feeling great! My mind's racing though and I can't sit still. I'm really excited because my girls might come for supper Wednesday! I have a menu made for that night. Also, my husband's family is coming back over on Christmas day and I have a menu planned for that as well. It's crazy thinking how much I was dreading Thanksgiving last month because of the depression, and now I'm giddy and excited for Christmas get togethers! Hopefully I don't crash by then. I feel really wonderful, but a little revved up, like it could easily go too far. But I'm praying I just stay where I am now. 

Cleaning

 I have felt better today and have gotten some cleaning and laundry done. I'm kind of anxious and irritable with the kids, but I'm trying to hide that. I started a cleaning app called Sweepy and I like it so far. I like that it tells me what to do each day so I don't have to decide on my own. I haven't been sleeping well at all, but hopefully that will change soon. 

Overwhelmed

 I hate when I get like this! I don't really feel like doing anything, but then I'll catch a wave of WANTING to do something productive but I get too overwhelmed so I end up doing nothing and hating myself for being so lazy. I have washed the bedding at least. That's something I guess. I need to do a lot more, though. I just feel so tired.