Today my oldest child turned 22. I love my daughter so much and I miss the relationship we could have had if life hadn't gotten so messed up years ago. I find myself yearning to be her friend because that's how cool and witty and awesome she is. I'm just glad she talks to me on Messenger and comes to see me occasionally. Maybe in her eyes I'm still Momma in some ways. I hope so. I pray so.
I've been depressed these past couple of days and crying about this and that. I'm crying right now, actually. I just feel out of alignment with the life around me, like everyone is a step ahead of me and I'm letting everyone down. I feel like my husband finds me disgusting, even though he's never said or implied that. I feel like my older daughters are embarrassed by my attempts to be part of their lives. I feel like I'm messing up my relationship with my two youngest because I'm always so depressed and anxious and lazy and...just not what they so desperately need.
I don't know how to get out of this dark hole I've buried myself in yet again. Why have the last two years been so hard? Why can't I reach the stability I had before? I just want to be good for my family, to be good and do good. Why do I keep failing?
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