And into the dawn I toss my caresMy heart only translates what isn't there.
Into the dark I wander
I only see what isn't there
West winds toss my hair and freeze my lipsIm reborn without a care
My thoughts turn gray
Made of wrong or write
Black and white
Into winter I toss my love
Do or die, do or die
Tongue and feathers without a cue
I took the pen and slowly I drew
Peel back the layers of frost and termite
Fold my fingers around a pen
And write the words I heard in the night
I've been drinking and I just feel lonely. There's no one to talk to. Blah.
I've been so so as far as moods go. Right now I'm feeling a little depressed. And alone.
Earlier today I had a moment of rage and punched a container of laundry pods repeatedly until the container split open on all sides. My hand hurts now.
Nonstop stress/anxiety, rapid cycling. I just want to go to bed and sleep so I don't have to deal with it anymore.
Psychiatry appointment Tuesday. Can't come soon enough.
My husband has been having a hard time mentally as well. His appointment is Monday.
I'm having a really hard time with anxiety and depression. Lots of crying and yelling at the kids and feeling so stressed that I'm on the verge of fainting. I finally got back on track with my eating but I think the sugar withdrawal may be why my anxiety is so bad. Hopefully I will feel better soon.
It seems like every time I see my psychiatrist I'm doing fine, but in between visits I have the worst symptoms. I'm scheduled to see him the 22nd of this month so we'll see if I can make it that long. Maybe a couple more days and I'll adjust to the new eating habits.
I still haven't started exercising again. I set out to do it every day but then I don't because of my back and foot pain. I know if I could get back on it I would feel better. I ordered two new workout videos so when they arrive I'll at least have something new to do.
I am soooo behind on housework. I've neglected a lot of stuff since I had COVID. I still don't feel 100% since I had it, plus the depression. I feel so lazy. I'm having trouble functioning and I can't seem to MAKE myself do anything even though I know it would make me feel better to accomplish something. I don't know why I do this to myself.
I feel so fragile tonight, and so alone. I know God is with me, and that is a tremendous comfort, but I wish I could reach out to my husband and be able to tell him how I'm feeling. The truth is, I don't really know why I'm feeling so bad. My anxiety has been really bad the past two days, but I've been trying my best. Tonight my BIL unintentionally hurt my feelings by telling me he didn't like what I cooked for supper. He was nice about it, but it still hurt since I've been trying to cook healthy stuff for him since he found out he has heart disease. I'm trying, but it just doesn't seem to be good enough. Trying to fix HIM something heart healthy while at the same time having something my mom likes that she can chew and swallow is hard. I made chili tonight with ground chicken instead of beef and we all liked it...except my BIL. I just can't seem to make everyone happy at the same time. It upsets me and kind of makes me mad too because they take for granted how hard I'm trying. I just want to throw my hands up and say screw all of you! But of course I can't do that.
My COVID symptoms seemed to have disappeared again but depression has taken its place and I don't know which is worse. I just want a bottle of wine and a good cry and a great big hug from my husband. Is that too much to ask?
Tomorrow I'm supposed to try again with my diet. I don't want to fail again. I've GOT to get this right! I'm heavier than ever and I feel awful. I feel like such a failure, but I know I need to get out of my head and just keep to the rules of healthy eating and exercise. Why is it so hard for me?
Okay, so I got over COVID and felt really good for about three days...and then the symptoms started all over again. I'm told this is common, or at least possible, to have symptoms on and off for a while. I don't know if it's that knowledge or just the crappy way I feel, but I'm feeling pretty depressed.
And of course, of course, I keep thinking about this time last year, what was going on, and it still hurts a lot. Will I ever completely heal from it? Am I even supposed to? I need to look forward and not backward. Things are good now, or at least they seem to be. I have no reason to feel otherwise. But the hurt, it's still there, and I mourn what I went through last year. At the same time, I'm in awe that I survived it. It happened and I got through it. That's something to be thankful for. I know I couldn't have done it without God. He held me through it all and I will never forget that love and comfort.
Day 12 of being sick with Covid. I have the worst fatigue I've ever felt in my life, as well as some other lingering symptoms that don't want to leave. I'm depressed as well, and irritable, and in a really bad mood. I'm miserable.
My mom was the last in the household to catch it and she had to go to the ER because of it yesterday. She is okay now. Hopefully she won't have anymore complications from it.
My husband went back to work today. I miss his help with the kids. I'm so tired.
I think my husband and I have Covid, judging by our symptoms and the fact that several of his coworkers tested positive recently. It's been mild but still pretty miserable. So my depression kind of took a backseat, though it's still present. I mean, isn't everyone depressed when they're sick?
I spoke to my psychiatrist a couple of days ago and he and I agree we should wait a little bit about a med change, to see if it's really needed. I was also talking to him about my desire to lose weight and he thought something like WW would help me. I looked into a couple of groups, WW included, and I'm thinking Noom might be a good fit for me. So I may try that out after I get to feeling better.
Today my oldest child turned 22. I love my daughter so much and I miss the relationship we could have had if life hadn't gotten so messed up years ago. I find myself yearning to be her friend because that's how cool and witty and awesome she is. I'm just glad she talks to me on Messenger and comes to see me occasionally. Maybe in her eyes I'm still Momma in some ways. I hope so. I pray so.
I've been depressed these past couple of days and crying about this and that. I'm crying right now, actually. I just feel out of alignment with the life around me, like everyone is a step ahead of me and I'm letting everyone down. I feel like my husband finds me disgusting, even though he's never said or implied that. I feel like my older daughters are embarrassed by my attempts to be part of their lives. I feel like I'm messing up my relationship with my two youngest because I'm always so depressed and anxious and lazy and...just not what they so desperately need.
I don't know how to get out of this dark hole I've buried myself in yet again. Why have the last two years been so hard? Why can't I reach the stability I had before? I just want to be good for my family, to be good and do good. Why do I keep failing?
This year is not off to a good start. I've botched my diet all five days. I'm anxious and depressed and burned out and feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown again. I was doing so well just a few days ago. Hopefully this dark place will be a short visit. I don't know how to get this year back on track. I feel so alone in this struggle. I can't even put into words all that I'm feeling. I keep remembering how hard this time last year was, which is not something I will share with anyone, but that part of my life is still hard to forget. I've forgiven, but I'm afraid it will happen again, and that scares me. I can't really say much about it on here because it's private, so I need to just drop it. Suffice it to say, I'm struggling with a lot of hurt feelings, both past and present. Maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me. I don't know. None of this post makes any sense so I need to stop writing. Maybe I should try therapy again.
