Good News

Mom has been moved out of the ICU into the Progressive Care unit, so that is good. This is the first day I haven't been at the hospital and I feel bad about that. I have slept most of the day and feel rather depressed. I think I'm just run down. I did not go to the ER like I had originally planned. Mom was so sick yesterday I couldn't justify being in the ER for hours. I am doing a little better anyway. Still a good bit of pain, but I know it's just a stone. All the ER would have done is refer me to an urologist and I don't have insurance for that.

ER

On my way to see Mom tomorrow I'm going to check myself into the ER. For a couple of months I have been having issues with my bladder. On three separate occasions I have had my urine checked for infection and it has been clear, so I assume it is a stone. But I haven't passed one yet and I'm having another bout of extreme pain, blood in urine, and low grade fever. So I guess they are going to have to take an X-RAY to see what's going on in there. I feel like the walls of life are caving all around me, but I know things could always be worse, so I am thankful for the blessings in my life. Mom is doing great. She got her breathing tube out and was able to walk around a bit.

New Plans for November

So...tomorrow I am supposed to embark on my NaNoWriMo experience, but my heart's not in it. I'm so tired. I have been spending as much time as possible at the hospital, considering I can't drive myself and I don't have a babysitter. And when I'm home the house just doesn't seem right without my mom here. I keep thinking I hear her in another room. Her dogs continue to miss her, and I didn't realize how much upkeep her dogs and cat take in addition to my two dogs. My son has been a little emotional due to this ordeal so he needs extra Mommy time. All the stars are stacked against writing, it seems. Normally I would say I am just making excuses, but I think my mom having a heart attack is a valid reason not to write a book in one month. So I'm just going to focus on family for now. Maybe next year I will do it, and I do promise to fit in writing whenever possible once life settles down.

Exhausted

My mom's surgery went really well. They are going to take the breathing tube and balloon pump out in the morning. I'm too tired to write much of anything else. My son misses his Mawmaw (he cried earlier). The dogs don't understand why she isn't home. I'm just still in shock with occasional blasts of reality balling me up into a frenzy of panic. I trust God that we will get through this. For all the hurt and bitterness involving my mom over the years, this incident has made me realize how much I love her.

Reality

My head hurts and I'm so anxious. I think the reality of yesterday and today have finally sunk in and I'm having trouble coping. My mom's triple bypass surgery is in the morning. Today when we were coming home from the hospital the hood on our van flew open and smashed the windshield. That was very scary and I'm so thankful that we didn't wreck. I'm still unnerved by what could have happened. Between that and worrying about my mom I am finding it hard to breathe and I need to go check my blood pressure because I feel like it's up. Last thing we need is for ME to have a heart attack or stroke. There is such a difference in knowing I should calm down and actually being able to do so.

The Unexpected

I may have to put my NaNo plans on hold. My mom had a heart attack yesterday and will be having triple bypass surgery tomorrow. So my focus will be on her. I trust God knows what He's doing. I'm praying everything will be fine.

Anxious!

I am a nervous wreck at the moment. I was thinking about my memoir and realized it would be extremely helpful to have access to my psychiatric records for the time period that I am covering. I found their policy information about requesting records and it sounds pretty simple. But my social phobia is having a fit over this. How can I ask for these records? Should I call or ask them in person (the place is just down the road from my home)? What if they ask me why I need them? It would be so embarrassing to tell them it's for a book, but what other reason would I give them? My chest hurts. I am on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about this. Time to take a Klonopin and listen to peaceful music. I will have to figure this out later.

The Blank Page

I have made an outline of what I want to include in my memoir, but I am having trouble finding a starting part. I know I have heard a thousand times to just jump into the story, that it doesn't matter what part of the book you write first, but I feel like the beginning will set the tone for the whole book, and I just can't find that yet. I've been reading through my old journals and I came across a letter that my ex-husband wrote to me shortly after we parted, back when he still loved me. Needless to say, I can't stop sobbing now. Going back into this is so hard, why am I doing this to myself? Well, I know why. I need closure, if you can possibly have closure from something like that. I'm praying the right words can come out of me to do the story justice. Some people say I am a good writer, but I fail to see it. I seem to make an awful muck of things when I try to write.

Possible Explanation

My husband did some research and we think the antibiotic my doctor gave me last week may be messing with the absorption of my psych meds. That would explain a lot if it's true.  I only have a couple more days left on my antibiotics so maybe I will feel normal again soon.

I felt really tired today but my mind is racing. Major headache too. I did manage to get some freezer meals made for next month, so that's something. Oh, and I swept the floor. Somehow that chore always gets postponed to the point that when I do sweep I have enough dog hair to take the form of Bigfoot in our trash can.

I'm going to try to start writing on here on a regular basis, maybe not. Just taking it day by day.

It's Back

It has been three years since I have posted anything on here. I have been doing well. Amazing meds. Amazing life. Yada yada.

But, after three years of no mania and just occasional mild depression, I feel a little shaky right now. I've begun to experience some mania. I think it's because I haven't been sleeping well, or maybe the impending mania is the reason I haven't been sleeping well. I don't know. My brain won't shut up and yet it feels blank at the same time. Does that make sense?

Incidentally, I decided a month ago that I would participate in NaNoWriMo this November. I decided it was time to write THE book, my memoir, because I have wanted - needed - to for so long. So this month I have been working on an outline, jogging my memory for the time around 2006-2007 when my illness really got ugly. It's hard to dig up those old bones, even though I think about that time in my life constantly. But actively seeking out the memories in order to write them as clearly as possible is much harder on me, mentally and physically. I was sick all last week, and my anxiety has been through the roof, and now (since last night) I feel the old pangs of mania. It's like there is electricity running through my veins. Even worse, there's a hint of dysphoria to go along with it.

Now, I could stop my work and rebury everything. Pretend it never happened. Hope for wellness and go about my merry little way. Or I could dig deeper, God help me. A lot is at stake here. I feel like I need to write this memoir for my daughters. I have never been able to adequately explain to them what happened when they were young. I feel like they need to know. But I also have a young son to take care of now and me going off the deep end will likely make history repeat itself.

So I guess I need to magically come up with a way that I can write this memoir without it completely undoing all my years of stability.

My first step is to try to get some sleep.