It's Back

It has been three years since I have posted anything on here. I have been doing well. Amazing meds. Amazing life. Yada yada.

But, after three years of no mania and just occasional mild depression, I feel a little shaky right now. I've begun to experience some mania. I think it's because I haven't been sleeping well, or maybe the impending mania is the reason I haven't been sleeping well. I don't know. My brain won't shut up and yet it feels blank at the same time. Does that make sense?

Incidentally, I decided a month ago that I would participate in NaNoWriMo this November. I decided it was time to write THE book, my memoir, because I have wanted - needed - to for so long. So this month I have been working on an outline, jogging my memory for the time around 2006-2007 when my illness really got ugly. It's hard to dig up those old bones, even though I think about that time in my life constantly. But actively seeking out the memories in order to write them as clearly as possible is much harder on me, mentally and physically. I was sick all last week, and my anxiety has been through the roof, and now (since last night) I feel the old pangs of mania. It's like there is electricity running through my veins. Even worse, there's a hint of dysphoria to go along with it.

Now, I could stop my work and rebury everything. Pretend it never happened. Hope for wellness and go about my merry little way. Or I could dig deeper, God help me. A lot is at stake here. I feel like I need to write this memoir for my daughters. I have never been able to adequately explain to them what happened when they were young. I feel like they need to know. But I also have a young son to take care of now and me going off the deep end will likely make history repeat itself.

So I guess I need to magically come up with a way that I can write this memoir without it completely undoing all my years of stability.

My first step is to try to get some sleep.