Waiting

Life has been a little crazy lately. I went for an ultrasound last week and something abnormal was found in my kidney, so today I had a CT scan. Since today is Friday I will probably have to wait until Monday for them to tell me the results. I'm trying not to worry, and part of me is happy that I may actually get to find out what is causing all the blood in my urine and fatigue and such as that. I'm hoping it's just kidney stones since I have had bouts of those for years now. The nurse wouldn't specify what they found to be "abnormal" in my kidney. What a fickle game to play with an anxious and impatient person such as myself lol

Happy Birthday

I am turning 39 tomorrow. I consider that age to still be young, but at the same time I can't believe I am actually there already. I'm blessed to still be alive. And I'm blessed to want to be alive, because at some points in my life I did not want to be.

I have slept well two nights in a row and I feel a little more emotionally stable than I have been lately. I have a lot to be happy about in life. My only heartbreak is that my daughters are becoming more and more distant toward me. I know they stay very busy but I used to at least get a phone call each night from my oldest daughter, and now she says she's too busy for even that. I just really miss them. I practically stalk them on social media just to keep up with what is going on in their lives because they don't want to see me in person very much. Their dad won't even talk to me anymore, and we used to be friends. I don't know why I have become this leprous person to all of them. It hurts. I love my daughters so much. I just pray they realize it and that they eventually come around.

“Life can only be understood backwards;
but it must be lived forwards.” 

-Soren Kierkegaard

Wedding Day

Everything went smoothly with the ceremony this morning and I am officially married to my sweetheart. We didn't have funds or time off work to go on a honeymoon but my mom took us out to lunch at Red Lobster. Maybe we can take a little kid free trip soon. It would be nice to get away.

Despite the happy excitement I've had today I feel a little depressed now. This has been happening frequently and usually in the evenings. I get feelings of worthlessness and insecurity, and the panic that everything is not what it seems and the floor is going to crumble beneath me. The insomnia is still going on most nights. If I could have a regular sleep schedule again I think I could get my emotions back on track. Maybe that will happen soon.

Father's Day

Since tomorrow is Father's Day I thought I would share something I wrote a few years ago:

The presence of a father's love is something not everyone has the pleasure of experiencing, so it's important not to take it for granted. I have countless memories of time spent with my Daddy. As I grew older I didn't see him in person as often but hardly a day went by that we didn't share a phone conversation. The talk was usually quite simple; we'd laugh over something we had read in the newspaper, I'd tell him something funny one of my girls had done that day, I'd ask him how to fix something, or sometimes we just talked about the weather. But as simple as those conversations were, they meant just as much to me as all the time we had together when I was a child. The longer I knew my dad, and even since he has passed, the more I am aware of how very wise and loving he was. I loved watching him with my girls, and I can only wish he could have met my son. He made as good of a Pawpaw as he did as a Dad :) Words can't express how much I miss him on a daily basis.

My daughters have a wonderful dad as well. I know they will have so many good memories to look back on as the years go by, and I trust that they will feel for him what I feel for my dad: an ever-growing respect for his hard work, his dedication and consistency as a parent, and for his ability to make them laugh and feel comforted and special. I will always be grateful for his presence in their lives. 

My son also has a remarkable father. There is nothing dearer to my heart than watching them together. They make each other so happy. Jacen runs to the door the minute he hears his dad wake up in the evenings calling "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" And then they enjoy their nightly ritual of sharing a bowl of cereal. In the mornings when Douglas gets home from work, even though he's tired, and even though he has school work to do, he ALWAYS makes time for his son. He even makes time for me, when Jacen allows it ;) We are both so blessed to have such a great man in our lives.

Happy Father's Day to all of you Dads out there! Your presence means everything to your children. They grow up so fast, and you may not always be around for them, so make your time with them count. I know mine did, and I will forever be grateful for that.

Waves

This is currently one of my favorite songs. There is an official video but I didn't post it because, in my opinion, it wasn't very good, and besides, I like this acoustic version more. 

Waves

By: Dean Lewis

There is a swelling storm
And I'm caught up in the middle of it all
And it takes control
Of the person that I thought I was
The boy I used to know
But there, is a light
In the dark, and I feel its warmth
In my hands, and my heart
Why can't I hold on?
It comes and goes in waves
It always does, it always does
We watch as our young hearts fade
Into the flood, into the flood
The freedom, of falling
A feeling I thought was set in stone
It slips through, my fingers
I'm trying hard to let go
It comes and goes in waves
It comes and goes in waves
And carries us away
Through the wind
Down to the place we used to lay when we were kids
Memories, of a stolen place
Caught in the silence 
An echo lost in space
It comes and goes in waves
It always does, it always does
We watch…

Marriage

I am so in love with my husband. We have been together for several years so we refer to each other as husband and wife, but we are finally going to legally get married on the 19th. It is going to be a very simple ceremony and very casual. I will probably just wear shorts and a t-shirt. We were going to just get married at the courthouse but apparently they don't offer that option around here anymore. Luckily I have a friend who is going to marry us at a nearby park. It is only going to take like five minutes to do but some of my family wants to be there anyway. Hopefully my daughters will get to be there. I'm excited!

As we are going to truly tie the knot I want to renew my dedication as far as being a good spouse. Over the years I have let my appearance go because I felt so secure that he would love me no matter what. I do know he loves me but I realized recently that I shouldn't let that be an excuse to just not care how I look. True, I have never been what could be considered pretty. Even my mom has told me that my whole life. But I could put more effort forth. I am going to try to at least get back to the weight I was when we first started dating. That means I need to lose about...70ish pounds? Well, I'd like to atleast lose 50.  And please don't think that he has said anything about my weight. I know he loves me anyway. But I still want to do this because I feel like it shows respect as to how I present myself to him.

I have also become very lazy in regards to housekeeping. I did pretty well in that department when we had our own place, but when we moved in with my mom her house was already a disaster and after a while I just gave up. It has never felt like MY home, even though my first husband and I lived here and my parents moved here after we moved into another home. It's just an old cluttered house and it depresses me, to be honest. I think a lot of that has to do with the memories of my first marriage here. There's a certain amount of grief I feel from those memories. Add to that my mom's negative, super critical manner and I just feel stuck in molasses when it comes to housework. My health issues don't help. But I feel like I have received a wake up call to get my act together. A man should feel good to come home. I can't fix everything but I can at least keep the clean laundry put away and the clutter under control. So I am going to work hard on that.

So those are my goals. I am so happy to be this close to marrying my soulmate. After two failed marriages I need this one to work. I have little reason to believe it won't, but I just want to make Douglas as happy as he has made me. Forever.

Reminder

My moods have been all over the place the past few days. Extremely depressed, extremely happy, slightly psychotic at times. I only slept one hour last night despite my double dose of Vistaril, a Melatonin, and a Klonopin. My mind is kind of racing at the moment too. It's like my brain is going out of its way to remind me that I have bipolar disorder. Thanks, Brain. I had forgotten.

Logically, it's probably the shock of my friend's brother-in-law dying that has set my moods out of whack. His funeral was yesterday. The funeral home was so packed that there was a line all around the building to get in. Douglas and I ended up just going home. My nerves couldn't take it.

30 Things About Me

I wrote the following in 2013. I find it all to still be true today.

Self-reflection is a noble thing. I don't think we can really know who we are until we sit down and actually acquaint ourselves with our own thoughts, feelings, ideas, and beliefs. It could be considered a form of meditation, a soul-searching experience, or just plain fun. A few devils may float out of the stirring pot; so may a few angels. I don't believe any of us are all good or all bad, and we shouldn't have to be. Like a dynamic character in a beloved book, our faults make us vulnerable, believable, real. It's time to stop hating certain aspects of our genetic make-up, of our quirks and misgivings, and start embracing ourselves as a whole, full spectrum individual.

I'm sure you have all lay witness to the posts on blogs, Facebook, and countless other social sites that urge you to write thirty random facts about yourself. I don't know about you, but these posts always cause me to draw a blank. I have enough trouble writing two-sentence biographies for web articles! I don't know anything else about myself! Yet, I was lying in bed last night, too tired to get up, but too charged to sleep, and I began thinking about certain tidbits of my personality. I finally decided to get up and write some of them down. This is what I came up with:

1.) I believe in soul mates, and I know I have found mine. Now, maybe we can put up with each other for the rest of our lives. I'm betting we will.

2.) Sometimes I just really want to curl up to a soft, purring cat. Instead, I snuggle up to my son. A plus side to this: his fur doesn't make me cough. The downside: he doesn't stay asleep as long as a cat would. He does occasionally purr though.

3.) I am addicted to chapstick. I get the shakes and feel like my lips are going to peel off my face if I can't find it. I try to keep at least one stick in each room, and always, always some in my purse/diaper bag.

4.) Ditto with hand sanitizer, only instead of my lips peeling off I feel like germ bugs are crawling all over my skin until I can slather on a stout helping of alcohol-based goodness. Repeatedly. In among several hand washings. I know all about super-germs, but OCD accepts no logic. Consequently, my hands are always dry and look like they should be attached a very old lady, or perhaps a bearded dragon.

5.) Sometimes I find myself in awe that I have given birth to three healthy children. By far, they are the biggest accomplishments of my life, and they give me more joy and hope than anything else in this world.

6.) I worry too much. About everything. And when I say everything, I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. I am a creative worrier, and consistent. If I haven't worried about it, it just means I haven't thought of it yet. But I will.

7.) I love to learn. I have a very easily distracted attention span so it is hard for me to absorb much information at one time, but I have a strong curiosity for things, and I try to learn at least one new thing a day. Even if it's just reading a study that proves more people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.

8.) My toothbrush is green.

9.) One of my most cherished memories from childhood is the Mushroom Game my dad and I used to play together. This consisted of running around in our yard and seeing who could stomp on the most mushrooms. What I would give to play one more round with him.

10.) I really miss my dad. He passed away in 2010. I am still a Daddy's Girl to the core, and I honor his memory by putting my best effort into things that I think would make him proud. I just wish I had accomplished more when he was alive.

11.) As much as I am on the computer, and as much as I love organization, I hate online calendars and to-do lists. These things must be handwritten on paper. They just have to be. THEY HAVE TO BE!

12.) I'm a lot more tired than someone my age should be.

13.) I love to write. Well, actually, I hate to write because it feels like my insides are being stretched and pulled and it hurts my head and it's exhausting. But I love to have written, to look back on it and, amid the many mistakes I undeniably will find, to see my heart in print...I love that part, and it makes the torture worth it. Most of the time.

14.) You know those oooh and ahhhh sounds that most people make when they see an adorable baby, a cute little kitten, or a puppy? Those are the sounds I make when I see a spider. I just want to scoop it up and give it little spider kisses. Common sense prevents this from happening, since spiders tend to bite rather than kiss, but I love them all the same.

15.) My favorite number is seven. I'm also partial to numbers that are divisible by five, and thirteen. There is a "bad number" that I avoid whenever possible (and it makes me cringe when I can't avoid it--this makes reading counting books to my son very difficult). I won't type it here but here's a hint: it comes right before seven. So yes, the best follows the worst.

16.) Ironically, the "bad number" was my favorite as a child and I had to do everything by this number. I don't recall at what age this changed or why.

17.) I am very forgiving of others. I am rarely forgiving of myself.

18.) I can't watch the news, horror movies, or soap operas. The first two are because they invoke panic attacks; the latter because I just really hate soap operas.

19.) I'm a hypochondriac, and Google is my worst enemy.

20.) I am addicted to the Internet, and yes, I actually have looked up the signs of it up on Google.

21.) I am a socially awkward person. Aside from the social anxiety, if that aspect of my character didn't exist, I imagine I would still have trouble communing with others. I'm never witty on time, my voice is so soft that half of what I say goes unnoticed anyway, and to be honest I don't really enjoy talking to people in the first place.

22.) I am afraid of talking on the phone. It might steal my soul. If you call and I don't answer, or if I never call you back, this is why. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal.

23.) I am in love with Sheldon Cooper. My fiancé is totally okay with this.

24.) I'm fairly partial to Spiderman as well.

25.) I refuse to refer to myself as "crazy" or to say "I'm bipolar". I have bipolar disorder. I'm not crazy, I'm Amy. The phrasing may mean nothing to some, but it means everything to me.

26.) I really hate when people believe something about me that isn't true. It seems to me that quiet, distant people are the easiest to just assume things about. But if you really knew me, you would be quite surprised about a lot of things, I'm sure.

27.) I still believe I will publish a book one day. This will require a lot more effort than I have put forth thus far. Yesterday I rewrote the first page to a book I had started eight years ago. At this rate, I may be in my seventies before it's completed, which means I better take better care of myself if I want to live that long! But I'm done with the insistent self-nagging that I should have been published by now. When I turned thirty, it was a major concern of mine. I felt like a failure. Thirty years old, with no completed college degree, and no completed manuscript. It really took it's toll on my mindset, and every year since then the self-hatred has gotten all the more grotesque. But I'm done with that. It will happen when it happens. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. What a freeing concept! It allows me to write without a twelve ton critic on my back digging his claws into every notion I have of success.

28.) I am extremely sensitive to loud and/or sudden noises. This includes but is not excluded to vacuum cleaners, toasters, concerts, incessantly squealing children, construction work, chainsaws, applause, and thunder.

29.) After much thought (and crying, and suicidal thoughts, and anger toward others and myself) I have come to this conclusion about a particular recent circumstance: I cannot control others' thoughts or actions. I can only control my own. I know the truth, at least to the point where I am concerned, and that is enough. If others want to think unkindly of me for something I had nothing to do with, so be it. It's petty, it's hurtful, but it's out of my hands. Illegitimi non carborundum.

30.) I am a work in progress. We all are. Stop judging my journey and walk your own.

Tragedy

A friend of mine married into the nicest family I have ever met. Last week that family's youngest son, Cameron, jumped into an overflowing creek to attempt to save another boy from drowning. After many days of searching both boys were found today. You can read more about it here:

https://www.11alive.com/article/news/local/teens-lost-in-oconee-creek-for-days-have-been-found/85-561642247

To say my heart breaks for this family is an understatement. Cameron was the same age as my oldest daughter, just 18 years old. It would kill me if something like this happened to her or my other two children. Prayers for the Smith family are appreciated. And never take a single moment with your loved ones for granted.