Having a Bad Night

Seriously not feeling well and major anxiety to go along with it. I feel like I'm unraveling at the seams. I don't mean to complain, but I'm scared everything is going to crash down on me.  Just really not a good feeling.

Catching Up On Old Times

When I stopped blogging three years ago I stopped reading other people's blogs too. I just completely divorced the blogger world. Why? I don't know. Mental health blogs (and other kinds of blogs, too) helped me a lot back then with what I was going through. Not only could I relate to a lot of the things I read, but I enjoyed peering in at other bloggers and learning about their lives and struggles. But three years ago I decided I was well and I didn't need any reminders of the hardships of mental illness. Crazy, I know. I just found that writing about mental illness, as well as reading about it, was holding me back in a realm of my life that I desperately wanted to escape. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I don't know if that was the right or wrong thing to do. I did really well during my time away. I think. There is very little recorded in my personal journal from that era so I can only rely on memory. But I think that's the most stable that I have ever been. And it was wonderful!

I'm not saying I'm not "stable" now. I feel somewhat stable. I'm just having a few bumps in the road. And with those bumps I find myself wanting to reach out and reclaim that sense of community I felt with fellow bloggers before. I read a few blogs today, and I realized how much I miss those worlds I blocked out. A lot - and I mean A LOT! - of the blogs I used to read are no longer active. Maybe they had similar reasons for leaving their blogs. I can only hope for the best for them. As for me, I lost my domain name and now some Japanese-like language is what pops up if you go to bipolarly.com. Bipolarly.net is available, but I think I will just go the free route for now. For one thing, no one is reading this one! :D Maybe that will change, who knows. Even if no one reads it but me, I think it helps. My personal journal is handwritten so my hand cramps up trying to write in it. I mainly keep it for jotting down quotes I like and little tidbits that I come up with. I open up more in my blog entries. Maybe too much, sometimes. Or maybe there is no such thing as too much. Maybe we are meant to unzip our insides as much as possible. How else do we know if there are any kindred spirits searching for us? I hope we all find each other.

I have had two panic attacks today, and seemingly nothing has triggered them. Just out of the blue, BAM!

Not The Best Start

My new plan for healthy eating was supposed to be put into effect today, but we were on the road so I succumbed to McDonald's for breakfast and frozen yogurt for lunch. But tonight I am making baked salmon, Brussels sprouts, and quinoa. That balances out the menu, right? Okay, it doesn't,  but at least I am going to end the day better than it started. A little progress is better than nothing. I aim to do better tomorrow.

Seeing Mom today was kind of depressing. She wants to go home so badly, but she has a lot of work to do in rehab before she can. She almost passed out during her exercises yesterday and she is still having trouble swallowing. Her insurance will pay for 20 days of rehab and I think she's going to need every day of it. I feel sad that she is unhappy. I don't know how to cheer her up.

I started running a fever again last night, no doubt from my bladder issues. I know, I know, I need to go get it seen about, but I don't have money to pay for the urologist they will inevitably refer me to. I'll figure something out. Meanwhile, my ice pick headaches are getting worse. They usually attack my left temple, and now I'm having issues with my right eye twitching. And I'm soooo tired. It's crazy! More reason to eat healthier, and I need to manage my anxiety better. What I really want to do is take a nap. But I'll do some laundry instead.

Putting Forth Some Effort

I went to the grocery store today and purchased only healthy foods. Nothing processed. Lots of fruits and vegetables. I'm trying to buy my energy back. Plus, Mom needs to eat healthier once she gets home (whenever that is). I need to add back exercise, but it's going to take a lot of effort. With my bad back and bad knees and bad foot it will be interesting. Anything to start feeling better, though. Mentally and physically.

Trying

I haven't felt well today. Sick and exhausted is more like it. I'm having trouble functioning, but I did make a menu and grocery list, cook, and wash dishes. Nevermind the twenty things I needed to get done in addition to that, but I dealt with the most pressing matters.

By the way, since no one is reading this but myself, I figure I can complain as much as I want to without anyone telling me I shouldn't. I realize my recent posts have been a bit gloomy. I have tried to remain upbeat and optimistic in real life, but the weight of my depression is making that harder and harder to do. And yet, throughout the day, I find myself feeling fine and content. It's when I'm too tired to remain busy that I dwell on the darkness. I tried to perk myself up today with a double energy shot and Mountain Dew, but it just made me feel worse. Caffeine doesn't work on me anyway.

Zzzzzzz...

Super tired today, but not as depressed. That's really all I have energy to write today.

Saw This On Facebook

Pieces

I have kept myself fairly busy today, so less time to linger on depression. It's always worse this time of the evening. I read one chapter in a book. I guess that is something. I'm having a hard time calling out to God. There seems to be a huge wall between us. I've been having a lot of doubts. But a little part of me still believes. A mustard seed is all it takes.

The Darkness

Biologically, I know what's happening. For whatever reason seasonal changes (and especially around time changes) my bipolar symptoms go beserk. I know it happens, but I don't know how to stop it. Just knowing that it will pass is not enough to make the pain of it any less. I also know that major shifts in life make my symptoms worse. Case in point, my mom's heart attack. So before I panic and think my meds aren't working anymore it's best that I consider the changing weather, the health change in a loved one, and now, the news of yet another mass shooting in Texas. I can get through this like I always do. It's just so hard to breathe through the muck of it right now.  I have a child to take care of so I can't allow myself to have a complete crash. I HAVE to keep my neck above water. I wish I could just sleep until things get better. I'm not so good at faking wellness.

Not Okay

I feel so depressed and empty. I just can't shake it. I wish I could sleep for days. I can't even concentrate on my favorite hobby, reading. And the binge eating is really out of hand. I recently lost 30 pounds but I have gained it all back. Of course, part of that happened before this depression hit...I guess I binge eat no matter how I'm feeling.

Mom is doing well, though, so that's a good thing. She actually has a window to the outside world in her new room. Granted, all you can see is a wall of windows on the next building, but that's better than nothing.

I am so ready to go to bed. It's only 8:22 p.m. and Douglas won't be up for work until nearly 10. So I'll wait.

A couple of weeks ago Douglas brought home some beer that someone left at the hotel where he works. I haven't drank alcohol in about two years so I told him we would give them to his brother at Thanksgiving. In a moment of depressed stupidity I opened one tonight, but I only drank half the bottle and poured the rest out. I just don't want to go down that road again.

Here's something I wrote but never published on 12-7-2015:

"Sometimes it's hard to breathe, to adjust, to matter. I hear voices from the past in hues I've never known. I try to make sense of it all. And it's no use. No use.

I miss Daddy. I miss so many people, dead and alive. I miss who I used to be, and I miss who I want to be. I feel like I'm tethering in between, so close and yet so far away. I wish I could make sense of that as well.

I drink a lot. Not to get drunk, not to feel numb, but to remember. There are parts of me and my life floating here and there and I just want to make them stay, just a little bit longer. All I feel is grief, sober or not. But to make those lovely parts stay just so, that is what I want most of all.

I choose God when I have nothing left. I choose God when I have plenty. I choose God, but I also choose little human ways to deal with the pain. I'm not altogether centered. The intentions are pure, but the faith is failing. I choose to keep on when I feel like giving up. This is something at least.

I try to be a good mother, but I fail. I love so hard and so deep, and yet it doesn't transform into the right actions. I give too little, when all I want is to give everything I have. Why is this so hard for me?

I miss that little part of childhood when things were simple. I was loved by parents, by pets, by little childhood friends. And then I got older, and all those things seemed more complex and conditional. Why does this still make me cry?"