My eating habits have been awful lately. My exercise, nonexistent. It all comes down to laziness and an obsession with unhealthy food. I'm now at the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I'm ashamed of how I look. I should not hate my body the way I do. I know I sabotage myself with binge eating. I'll start eating well and exercising, losing weight, and then I get scared. Of what, I don't know. I'm afraid of succeeding at anything for some reason. So I'll go back to eating crap I know I shouldn't and I'll slack off exercising, always with some kind of excuse not to. My back hurts, my feet hurt. Always something. Always a reason not to take care of myself.
I think a lot of it stems from my mom. Back when I was as skinny as a bean pole, she would nit pick at me and tell me I was going to get fat one day like her. I often felt fat back then, even though I was actually underweight. I remained thin until I started having kids, and then a few years ago when I started taking Risperdal for my psychotic symptoms I gained 60 pounds in a very short amount of time, and I have steadily gained since then. I am now considered morbidly obese, weighing 236 at a short height of 5'1. It's embarrassing to admit my weight, but I have to be honest if I want it to change.
My mom is not eating the way she should, despite my attempts to fix healthy food. Somehow we always end up eating fast food, which is not good for any of us, but especially her. I have tried to go back on a low carb diet but she has resisted it, and she and my husband are always bringing junk food in the house. I know I should be strong enough not to eat it, but if I see it I want it, and it's all downhill from there.
I know my daughters look down on me because of my weight and lack of willpower, and my son has started making comments about my weight too. Yesterday he asked me if there was a humpback whale in my stomach. Good grief!
I have to get this weight off. I vow to do better, starting now. I can't make my mom eat right, but I CAN control what I consume. I CAN control whether I exercise or not. It's time to do better, and not quit, ever! I'm not even going to focus on the weight. I'm just going to focus on making healthy choices. I would like to talk to my doctor about coming off Risperdal. It has helped me so much, but at what cost? It makes me hungry ALL the time. If I could just do a test run to see if I'm okay without it...I'll have to talk to my doctor about it.
So, that's where I'm at now. Needing to change and wanting to change mean nothing if I don't go through the act of changing. This is me, changing. Finally.
2 comments:
I'm almost 50 years old and I struggled with my eight all my life. One day my therapist asked me why I was worried about my weight so much and I told her my family thought I was over weight and didn't like it. She asked me how I felt about myself and I said I felt fine with how big I was. She just looked at me and from that point forward I stopped worrying about it. This is me and I don't care what others think anymore. No one is getting out of this life alive so we might as well enjoy ourselves while we're here.
You are so right, Mary. That's a big thing for me, I am so concerned with what everyone else thinks of me. I do want to be healthier, though, so I can be around to see my grandchildren and such...not that there is any guarantee I won't die from something beside poor health by then.
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