The Core of Destruction, and How to Rebuild Yourself

I am going to share a journal entry of mine from three years ago. I am proud to say that I have come a long way from the person I was when I wrote it. I want to share it because maybe someone reading can relate to it. Perhaps you are dealing with the same emotions, the same immobility to improve your circumstances and enjoy life. Handicaps and illnesses can do that to a person. So can damaging relationships, especially when abuse is involved, and other problematic situations. 

 

Circa 2009

 

I don't know how to deal with change.  With things lost.  Things gained.  Every bit of it leaves me feeling empty. And alone. And scared.  I start questioning decisions I've made, decisions I thought were good ones at the time, decisions that would bring changes for the better somehow.  But do things ever really get better?  Or do we just trade one misery for another all the days of our life? 

I alone have to live with the full quantity of what I've been and what I become.  And when I look in the mirror I see someone who is terrified to move, to speak, to taste what the world has to offer. Because I've seen how wrong things can turn out, and I've conditioned myself to trust only in the inevitable doom that is waiting to pounce around every corner.  Therapists have names for that kind of thinking, and they have their so-called cures for it as well.  But there's only so many layers of your being you can strip away until you're left with nothing at all. 

Perhaps I'm more frightened of what hides at my core than all the heavy cloaks of defects I'm clothed with could ever allude to. 

I conclude from this that I fear myself, and if that is so then how would I ever escape fear, for wherever I go...there I am. 

How can I ever trust my own decisions? Or trust the change that comes about from them as something safe and worthwhile?

 

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I am relieved that I have endured many of the changes I was so afraid of when I originally wrote the journal entry. None of those changes were easy, and I still have some healing to accomplish, but I am a work in progress, as all of us are. I have learned that as long as I am working toward a goal, then I am living. It is when I become complacent with myself, or disgusted and resolved, that I start losing my passion once again, and for me, that is not acceptable. It shouldn't be for you, either.

Keep moving, dear friends. Keep trying. Keep surviving. Keep loving and hoping and dreaming. The core of destruction is losing your voice and accepting, even expecting, defeat.