Introduction to M

I met with my new therapist today and I like her. Like I've often said, each new person brings a fresh perspective and a new strategy to the old battleground. We just have to open ourselves up to trust them and to face the fear of them abandoning us, which is very difficult!

 I told M today "You're my sixth therapist in seven years."

She smiled. "You have a lot to compare me to."

"No, I'm just afraid you will leave like the rest of them do."

And of course she couldn't answer to that, because no one knows what the future holds. Starting over, and starting over again, and again, and again...it seems to be an inevitable trend when it comes to mental health care. Sometimes the turnover works for our benefit; sometimes it doesn't. Always, it's a nuisance, and it produces a realm of grief to share so much of yourself with someone and then never see them again. I had canceled what was to be my first appointment last week, and had intended to do so today as well. But my gut told me to go, so a lot of pep talk, anxiety and a Klonopin later I made that apprehensive journey to the unknown. And I survived it. That within itself is therapy.

Facts About Sleep

A Healthier Year, A Happier You

It's no big secret to anyone who knows me that I love to eat. I love food! I especially love carbs. I could live off of bread and pasta for the rest of my life and never miss the meat (well, except for the seafood). I enjoyed a good twenty years of being able to eat whatever I wanted and never gained a single pound. In fact, I was clinically underweight for a good portion of my youth. But then came the baby. And another. And another. Three kids later, at the age of 33, I am tired, overweight, and still loving on those carbs. I eat for fun. I eat for distraction from depression and stress. I eat because I'm breastfeeding and I'm really hungry all the time! To top it off, I don't get enough exercise. You would think running after a one year old would be enough aerobics for one gal, but it really isn't. I am miserably out of shape, and I need to do something about it, fast! I have begun to have major issues with high blood pressure, and that is scary. It doesn't help my mental health to eat poorly and skip on exercise, either. It's time to get control of this issue, before it takes several years off my life. I want to be around for my grandchildren and actually be able to pick them up and love on them. As much of a skeptic as I am about New Year's resolutions, this is one time when I will follow in the footsteps of so many others who plan to make 2013 a healthier year. Only, I don't intend on backsliding after a couple of months. I want to make it for the entire year. Who's with me?

The food choices we make affect us not only today, but for all our years to come. And it starts from the very beginning! A girl who drinks sodas and other sugar-laden beverages instead of milk throughout childhood will not only have a a greater chance of cavities, but will likely develop osteoporosis as an adult. A poor diet during pregnancy may produce a low birth weight infant and may cause other complications in the development of a fetus. What a woman eats-as a baby, a child, and an adult-can affect how long and how well she lives.

"You are what you eat." More specifically, you feel what you eat. Food's purpose is to enrich the body with nutrition for energy and optimal function. Good eating habits will make you feel strong and vibrant. Junk food will make you feel like junk.

Eating a large variety of food is best for providing a well balanced array of vitamins and minerals for your body and mind. Supplements may be advised for people who do not receive all the nutrition they need from food, but supplements should not take the place of healthy eating habits. Supplements can sometimes be harmful, so discuss with your doctor what your best options are. It is possible to overdose even on essential vitamins and minerals, and some supplements may cause dangerous interactions or lessen the effectiveness of other medications you are on.

Women have different needs at different times in their lives. Younger women often have a greater need for iron due to the loss of it during menstruation. Sometimes an iron supplement is recommended by doctors. It is also very important to intake enough calcium throughout your life, since after menopause your bones will tell on you by becoming brittle and easy to break. Plenty of calcium when you are younger decreases the chance of osteoporosis. The suggested amount of calcium for each age group is:

• 9-18 years old: 1,300 mg
• 19-50 years old :1,000 mg
• over 50: 1,200-1,500 mg

Ask your doctor if he or she recommends more or less for your particular health needs. A major leach to calcium is, sadly, caffeine and phosphorus, both often found in our favorite sodas. It is best to limit these types of beverages for healthier bones. To increase your absorption of calcium your body requires Vitamin D. That is why it is essential to get enough sunlight and drink low fat milk fortified with this vitamin.I don't know about you, but if I drank in as much sunlight as I drink of Dr. Pepper, I would be substantially covered on the Vitamin D thing.

A significant need for pregnant women is folic acid. This reduces the chance of birth defects of the brain and spinal cord. It is recommended that pregnant women intake 400-800 mcg. of folic acid, and breastfeeding mothers need 500 mcg. Doctors often urge women to begin taking a prenatal vitamin that includes a good source of folic acid before conception and to continue throughout pregnancy and lactation to ensure a healthy baby. Even if you are not pregnant and not planning on conceiving any time soon, folic acid is a necessary component of a healthy diet. Research suggests that it may lower your risk for a stroke, and a deficiency in folic acid has been linked to depression.

There are many changes to our way of eating that will improve our overall health:

• Eat a variety of fruits, vegetables, and whole grain foods. (See food pyramid below for recommended servings.)
• Limit fat, especially saturated fat and cholesterol.
• Maintain a healthy body weight.
• Choose and prepare foods with less sodium.
• Limit alcohol, sodas, and sweets.
• Avoid packaged foods with lots of preservatives and other "what is that?" ingredients. The closer to fresh and homegrown, the better.
• Drink 8-10 glasses of water per day.
• Remember that calcium! 

If you are like me and could stand to lose a few pounds (okay, several), then there are ways you can improve your health and manage a sensible plan for weight loss.

• Avoid fad diets. I will save you the time, trouble and money, and tell you that they don't work. Sure, you may lose a significant amount of weight initially, but only permanent lifestyle changes will keep that weight off, and fad diets do not provide the healthy ongoing nutrition that you need, plus they are nearly impossible not to cheat on! 
• To lose weight and keep it off takes a long-term effort. Aim to lose 1/2 to 1 pound a week. 
• To keep the pounds off, form good basic eating habits, limit portions, and boost your level of physical activity. The key to weight loss is to burn more calories than you take in.
• Notice any social, emotional, or stressful situations that trigger overeating and find better ways to cope. 
• Avoid diet pills! They have unhealthy side effects and do not work for long-term weight loss. 
• Plan meals and snacks for the day so that you are more apt to stick to the menu and not binge on something else. Snacking on fruits and veggies can satisfy hunger in a healthy way, so reach for those instead of junk food. 

The graph below displays what is considered a healthy weight for your height:

While many women struggle with being overweight, it is also dangerous to weigh too little. Some women may have a metabolic disorder or other illness that contributes to their low weight, but many women are becoming malnourished by eating disorders. The two most serious eating disorders mainly affect teenage girls and young women. Anorexia nervosa is starving oneself. Bulimia nervosa is binge eating and then removing the food and fluid by forced vomiting and/or overuse of laxatives and enemas. Death rates are as high as 10 to 20 percent from these very dangerous practices. There tends to be a strong mental and emotional link to eating disorders, so both medical and psychological help is needed for proper treatment . National Eating Disorders Association provides a hotline number for anyone who is struggling with an eating disorder. Click on the link I have provided and it will take you to a page with their number and a search tool to find treatment near you.

Beyond good eating habits, physical activity is a must for a healthy lifestyle. A few of the many benefits of exercise are:

• Helps prevent osteoporosis by strengthening bones (weight-bearing exercise increases this benefit)
• Strengthens muscles, which improves balance and slows age-related muscle loss
• Reduces back pain and strain
• Improves self-image and increases energy
• Helps relieve stress and control anxiety
• Promotes weight loss and lowers body fat
• Reduces the risk of developing diabetes
• Reduces risk of heart disease
• Boosts mood and fights off depression by releasing endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals

 If you're just beginning an exercise routine, take things slowly! Some of those muscles have probably not been worked in a long time, and your heart isn't used to the increase in activity either. Talk to your doctor about your overall health and what exercises you should start out with. Choose an activity you can do 5-10 minutes without getting tired, and gradually increase the length of time as your fitness improves. When I first began exercising again, I used a fitness ball for ten minutes and then fell asleep on the floor! In two weeks' time, however, I had built up to thirty minutes of activity, and my workouts slowly increased to an hour. Unfortunately, I have fallen off the exercise wagon, as is so easy for us busy women to do, but my new goal is to rebuild my exercise routine and not quit this time around! I will provide updates on my progress and would love to hear about yours as well.

Exercise should get your heart rate into a target heart rate zone, which you can determine with a Target Heart Rate Calculator. It is a common misconception that in order for exercise to be effective it has to be grueling and loathsome. Although drastic changes in appearance do require workouts to be challenging and thorough, nothing says it has to be a bore! Choose activities that you can have fun with. This could be brisk walking, swimming, biking, a favorite sport, or aerobic dancing. If your goal is simply to feel better and reduce your risk for health problems, then something as easy as walking 1-3 hours a week will do just fine. If your goal is to shape and tone your body, then your workouts will have to be more intense and geared toward specific areas to achieve the results you want.

If you already have a fitness program in progress, then I commend you. Keep up the great work! If you're like me and have allowed unhealthy eating habits and a sedentary lifestyle to rob you of your vitality, then I urge you to join me in making some very crucial changes. Oftentimes, the best defense against falling into old bad habits is to include a friend in your health journey. Two or more people banded together with the same goals can be a powerful motivator! Ask around among your friends, family members, and colleagues to see if anyone is interested in joining the challenge with you for a healthier year in 2013. There are also countless support groups online that you can find through your search engine. Two successful groups that may be located in your area are TOPS and Weight Watchers.

Our mental health is so greatly impacted by our physical health that it would be ignorant to assume that not taking care of our bodies will ever allow for optimum psychological stability. Changing your lifestyle-and not falling back on old habits-is no easy task! But we can do it. We really can! We deserve to take care of ourselves. Stop making excuses not to.

The Weightless Days

Among the highs and lows of bipolar disorder, there are the weightless days, where you float on the fact that you don't know how you feel. There is no certain feeling, no crushing weight, no pumping high. And yet there is a lifelessness to these days. For all the passion of the ups and downs, these days are clouded with cotton, heavy and empty all at once, and not so unlike depression. You don't know whether you are coming up for air or sinking to the bottom. So you wait. For an emotion. For the wind of change. For hope or for doubt. You wait for the uncertainty to pass so you know what the next door opens to; whether there is a lion on the other side or a lamb.

Keep On Keeping On

It has been a long day. I got a lot of cleaning done, but it only made me see more things that need to be cleaned, and then the anxiety took over. That, of course, was my OCD kicking into overdrive, and I have such a tendency to get so easily overwhelmed. Oh well. A lot got done today, and I have to choose to view that as an accomplishment, rather than a platform to negativity and perceived failure. We all have to check our perspective about twenty times a day to make sure it's in the right gear for pleasant success and not harmful self-criticism. It's okay to not "get it all right" in one day, or a month, or even a lifetime. Just keep trying and doing the best you can. My goal today was a trivial one; housekeeping is important, but not the most essential task on the planet. Perhaps you are struggling through a similar goal or something much bigger, and I want you to know that YOU CAN DO IT! I can't promise you it will be easy, or fun, or even the best idea ever, but if you have a will for it, then by all means, give it your all. Many blessings and self-appreciation to you!

The Different Forms of Depression

Everyone occasionally feels blue or sad, but these feelings are usually fleeting and pass within a couple of days. When a person has a depressive disorder, it interferes with daily life, normal functioning, and causes pain for both the person with the disorder and those who care about him or her. Depression is a common but serious illness, and most who experience it need treatment to get better. Depression is not a choice or a weakness in character. It goes beyond circumstances or rational emotions.

Many people with a depressive illness never seek treatment. But the vast majority, even those with the most severe depression, can get better with treatment. Intensive research into the illness has resulted in the development of medications, psychotherapies, and other methods to treat people with this disabling disorder.

WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENT FORMS OF DEPRESSION?

There are several forms of depressive disorders. The most common are major depressive disorder and dysthymic disorder.

Major Depressive Disorder, also called major depression, is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person's ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once pleasurable activities. Major depression is disabling and prevents a person from functioning normally. An episode of major depression may occur only once in a person's lifetime, but more often, it recurs throughout a person's life.

Dysthymic Disorder, also called dysthymia, is characterized by long-term (two years or longer) but less severe symptoms that may not disable a person but can prevent one from functioning normally or feeling well. People with dysthymia may also experience one or more episodes of major depression during their lifetimes.

Bipolar Disorder, also called manic-depressive illness, is not as common as major depression or dysthymia. Bipolar disorder is characterized by cycling mood changes-from extreme highs to extreme lows. 

Some forms of depressive disorder exhibit slightly different characteristics than those described above, or they may develop under unique circumstances. However, not all scientists agree on how to characterize and define these forms of depression. They include:

Psychotic Depression, which occurs when a severe depressive illness is accompanied by some form of psychosis, such as a break with reality, hallucinations, and delusions. 

Postpartum Depression, which is diagnosed if a new mother develops a major depressive episode within one month after delivery. It is estimated that 10 to 15 percent of women experience postpartum depression after giving birth.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which is characterized by the onset of a depressive illness during the winter months, when there is less natural sunlight. The depression generally lifts during spring and summer. SAD may be effectively treated with light therapy, but nearly half of those with SAD do not respond to light therapy alone. Antidepressants and psychotherapy can reduce SAD symptoms, either alone or in combination with light therapy.

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION?

People with depressive illnesses do not all experience the same symptoms. The severity, frequency and duration of symptoms will vary depending on the individual and his or her particular illness. Here are a few of the most common symptoms associated with depression:

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Thoughts and/or attempts of suicide
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

WHAT ILLNESSES OFTEN CO-EXIST WITH DEPRESSION?

Depression often co-exists with other illnesses. Such illnesses may precede the depression, cause it, and/or be a consequence of it. It is likely that the mechanics behind the intersection of depression and other illnesses differ for every person and situation. Regardless, these other co-occurring illnesses need to be diagnosed and treated.

Anxiety Disorders, such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Phobia, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, often accompany depression. People experiencing PTSD are especially prone to having co-occurring depression. PTSD is a debilitating condition that can result after a person experiences a terrifying event or ordeal, such as a violent assault, natural disaster, an accident, terrorism or military combat.

People with PTSD often re-live the traumatic event in flashbacks, memories or nightmares. Other symptoms include irritability, angry outbursts, intense guilt, and avoidance of thinking or talking about the traumatic ordeal. In a National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) funded study, researchers found that more than 40 percent of people with PTSD also had depression at one-month and four-month intervals after the traumatic event.

Alcohol and other Substance Abuse or Dependence may also co-occur with depression. In fact, research has indicated that the co-existence of mood disorders and substance abuse is pervasive among the U.S. population.

Depression also co-exists with other serious medical illnesses such as Heart Disease, Stroke, Cancer, HIV/AIDS, Diabetes, and Parkinson's Disease. Studies have shown that people who have depression in addition to another serious medical illness tend to have more severe symptoms of both depression and the medical illness, more difficulty adapting to their medical condition, and more medical costs than those who do not have co-occurring depression. Research has yielded increasing evidence that treating the depression can also help improve the outcome of treating the co-occurring illness.

If you are suffering with the symptoms of depression, it is imperative that you seek treatment. Talk to your doctor and ask about what treatment options are right for you. There is no single known cause of depression. Rather, it likely results from a combination of genetic, biochemical, environmental, and psychological factors.

Research indicates that depressive illnesses are disorders of the brain. Brain-imaging technologies, such as magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), have shown that the brains of people who have depression look different than those of people without depression. The parts of the brain responsible for regulating mood, thinking, sleep, appetite, and behavior appear to function abnormally. In addition, important neurotransmitters-chemicals that brain cells use to communicate-appear to be out of balance. But unfortunately, these images do not revel why the depression has occurred. 

Some types of depression tend to run in families, suggesting a genetic link. However, depression can occur in individuals without family history of depression as well. Genetics research indicates that risk for depression results from the influence of multiple genes acting together with environmental or other factors.

In addition, trauma, loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship, or any stressful situation may trigger a depressive episode. Subsequent depressive episodes may occur with or without an obvious trigger.

Recovering From a Suicide Attempt

Today may feel like the hardest day of your life. You have seriously thought about or perhaps attempted to end your life. You may be exhausted. A common experience after surviving a suicide attempt is extreme fatigue. You may be angry. You may feel embarrassed or ashamed. The attempt itself, the reactions of other people, transportation to and treatment in an emergency room or other health care facility-all these can be overwhelming to you right now. But, recovery is likely, and all the feelings you are experiencing right now will eventually subside.

After you have been treated for a suicide attempt in the emergency room and the doctors believe you are medically stabilized, you will either be discharged or hospitalized. If you are discharged after your suicide attempt, the staff in the emergency room should provide you with a plan for followup care.

The exact steps for followup care will vary with each person, but your plan should include:

• A scheduled appointment in the near future with a mental health provider (such as a psychiatrist and/or licensed therapist). Make sure that the name and contact information for the provider is given to you before you leave the hospital and that your appointment is scheduled as soon as possilbe. 
• Information on any treatments that you received in the emergency room, such as medications, and what, if anything, you will need to do about those treatments after you leave.
• Referrals to local and national resources and crisis hotlines for information and support.

Once you have a plan for followup care that you understand and are comfortable with, you and, if appropriate, a family member should work closely with a therapist to ensure that your safety plan is meaningful and effective.  

If the emergency room staff feel that you need more immediate care or longer-term care than the emergency room can provide, you will be referred to inpatient hospitalization. If hospitalization is necessary, you and your family can begin to work with the hospital to develop a plan for the next steps of your care. Hospital staff (usually a social worker) should help you with this process.

People generally have the right to consent to or refuse treatment. However, if the emergency physician believes you are still a danger to yourself or someone else, he or she must consider having you hospitalized involuntarily for a limited period of time (a 72 hour suicide watch is common). Laws about commitment vary by state. If you have questions about your rights as a patient, you should contact your local Protection and Advocacy organization. These are legal centers that are funded to protect the rights of persons with mental health needs. You can either go to their national website at www.ndrn.org or call the office at 202-408-9514 to inquire about the nearest center in your state.

Next Steps: Moving Ahead and Coping With Future Thoughts of Suicide

Recovery from the negative thoughts and feelings that made you want to end your life is possible. You may get to a place where you never have thoughts of suicide again and you can lead a happy, satisfying life. You also may learn to live with these thoughts in a way that keeps you safe.

After you leave the hospital there are several things you can do to help in your recovery. It may feel difficult and overwhelming right now, but over the next few days, following these tips can help turn things around.

• Create a safety plan. You and your doctor or therapist should work together to develop a safety plan to help reduce the risk of a future suicide attempt. When creating such a plan, be honest with yourself and your doctor to ensure that the plan meets your needs and that you feel comfortable with it. Although everyone's safety plan is different, some common things that may be included in yours are:signs that may indicate a return of suicidal thoughts and what to do about them; when to seek additional treatment; and contact information for your doctor, therapist, crisis hotline number, and a trusted friend or family member. Keep a written copy of your safety plan nearby so you can refer to it as needed. 
• Build a support system. A support system is a key part of recovering from a suicide attempt and preventing future attempts. It is important that you have at least one person in your life who can be your "ally". This must be a person you trust and can be honest with-especially if you start to have thoughts of ending your life again. Family members or a close friend can serve this important purpose. A member of the clergy, mentor, or colleague also could be helpful to you at this time. Having more than one ally can be a tremendous asset. Even when you are feeling alone, always remember that there are people in your life who care about you a great deal and are willing to help.
• Learn to live again. When you are recovering, the world can look like a pretty bleak place. It may take a little while before your life starts to feel worthwhile again. One thing you can do to help is to get back into a routine. Eat three healthy meals a day, exercise 30 minutes a day, and go to bed and wake at the same times each day. Try to join in your usual activities a little at a time, and add in more when you feel comfortable. 
• Listen closely and carefully consider the support and advice you receive from others.  It is important to be honest with yourself, your doctor, and others about your feelings so that you receive the best possible care. Sometimes being under pressure and having thoughts of suicide can make it difficult for you to make the best decisions, and at those times, other people may have a more realistic view of your situation than you do. Your ally can help you work through these confusing and isolating thoughts and feelings and help keep you safe.
• Keep in mind that everyone's recovery is different. Some people have persistent thoughts of suicide. For others, such thoughts may accompany only certain moods and circumstances. Following the steps mentioned in this article can help you prevent negative and destructive thoughts taking control of you in the future. 
• Remove the means for hurting yourself from your environment.  Work with your ally to remove methods of self-harm. It is best not to have these items around while you are recovering. If you use medication, keep only a few days' supply on hand and ask someone else to hold onto the rest. For other means of self-harm, such as weapons, give them to someone else for safe-keeping until you are no longer a potential danger to yourself.
• Identify what triggers suicidal thoughts or behavior for you. It may be the anniversary of a painful event, or seeing a knife in the kitchen. Plan to minimize the effect of these triggers on your life. Sometimes you can avoid them or train yourself to respond differently, or you can involve your allies ahead of time to help you face a difficult situation. Remember that life events do not cause a suicide, but they can certainly increase the risk of an attempt. 
• Learn all you can about mental illness. Whether you have been diagnosed with a mental disorder or not, it is quite common for suicidal tendencies to be linked to a chemical imbalance in the brain. Ask your doctor about screening you for illnesses such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and major depression. The more you know the better you are at finding a successful treatment that is right for your particular needs.
• Keep a list of crisis hotlines in an easy to reach spot. Hotlines provide you with a trained person to talk to when you are having suicidal thoughts or other unbearable feelings. This person will listen to you and help you choose another path that does not involve harm to yourself or others. If you have a safety plan written out, make sure to have it on hand while you talk to the hotline worker, as he or she can help you through the actions you need to take to keep yourself safe. If you do not have a safety plan in place, the crisis staff will help you create one. This link will take you to a list of crisis hotline numbers that may be useful to you. The emergency room, your doctor or a mental health facility may have a list of local numbers to contact. Make sure to ask for a list of crisis hotline numbers, and keep them in an easily accessible place. 
• Join a support group. There are many types of support groups, and you may wish to participate in one in your area. Learning from others and sharing your experience can make a big difference in the way you think about your life. It also may help save the life of someone else. Ask your doctor or therapist about what groups are available in your area. It may feel a little scary joining a group of people, but I personally have had great success in recovery thanks to group therapy (and I happen to be an extremely shy person). Sometimes stepping outside of your comfort zone can be a very rewarding experience, and you are bound to meet people and hear stories that will change your life-and perspective-for the better.
• Get involved in life. Finding a hobby or enjoying a favorite pastime-such as listening to music, watching your favorite movie, writing in a journal, or painting-is a great way to help you cope when life is overwhelming. Hobbies or activities that involve interacting with others are an especially good idea. Whatever your interests may be, make sure you have access to the things you enjoy. That way, if your negative thoughts come back, you can turn to something that brings you comfort and enjoyment. 

Remember, there are reasons to live and things will get better.  You can survive, and even thrive, despite the way you feel at times. You hold the key to your recovery, and you are stronger than you think.

       

These Are The Days

I am thankful for the good days because they renew me, and for the bad days because they shape me. The contrast of the two mold together in such a fighting way, but they each serve their purpose. Each provide a narrow glimpse into the future, a salute to the past, and a lesson for the present. Some days I can't feel the sun on my face, and other days it blinds me; in between there is a warmth of knowledge, a sort of truce, a forgiveness. I am thankful for life, and all the beauty, love and laughter that it lends to me. Life carries a lot of pain and grief as well, a seemingly undue suffering, and it is impossible to understand exactly why, or if and how the pain could be avoided. I can't pretend to know or justify the answer to why horrible things happen in this life, so I have to cling to the good things I do know and trust that everything is as it should be. And maybe therein lies the meaning of life: to cherish things TODAY, to live TODAY, because today, this very moment, is all we ever really have. It is a small gift with a huge responsibility, to live in a world so vast and chaotic, to lose and to win, to be blessed and to be cursed, to love and to hate, to remember and to forget, to gather stones and to scatter them, to be born and to die. The beginning and end are too bewildering to wrap our heads around. So do your work in the middle. Love those close to you. Build instead of break. And whether you believe in an after life or a return to dust, make every minute you're here count for something noble and gracious. Never stop being thankful for what you have. Never stop caring for mankind. Never live a life that will be forgotten when you are gone. Whatever comes tomorrow, you are here now.

New Therapist...Again

I went today to what I thought was going to be my next therapy session with the therapist I had met once before, but they had discharged me from their services since I had not been there in 3 months (which was because I was waiting for my regular therapist to come back from maternity leave; when I learned that she wasn't coming back I made an appointment with the other one). Anyhoo, today's appointment consisted of updating my file, basically like a whole new intake session, and meeting the other therapist that will be my new one. The lady is new and seems just as quiet and awkward as I am, so that could be a good thing or a bad thing...we shall see. I felt rather off in there and had to ask for some hand sanitizer after signing a few documents with their pen. Then, at the end of the session, the lady that is to be my new therapist reached over to shake my hand and I had to cringe through that and didn't want to use the hand sanitizer in front of her afterwards because I didn't want to be rude...so as soon as I got out of there I had to go wash my hands really well! Other than that, I managed fairly well in the room with two other human beings and I guess I am up for the challenge of YET ANOTHER THERAPIST (this makes number 6 in the past 7 years). Ah, the wonderful world of psychiatry and recovery. If you can survive the madness of the system, you can survive anything.

After my appointment, we went to see our cousin's new baby at the hospital (she's precious!) and then went to eat at Popeye's. I am proud of the fact that I made it all the way up until a group of men sat down at the table beside us before I had to take an anxiety pill. For me, all that social activity in one day and it taking that long for it to finally drive me to the prescription bottle is a nice little accomplishment!  It is my hope that returning to regular counseling will help me eventually get back to the point of being able to drive again and participate in social activities without debilitating panic attacks. As frustrating as the constant ups and downs of bipolar disorder are, I have to say that what holds me back the most now is my social anxiety. I would like to be able to join the living world and not be afraid of my own species. I have confidence that I can at least reach a ground of tolerance to the public (as I had before where I was able to drive and work and go to the store by myself-it was never easy, but at least it was doable). I just hope I can get back to that level of coping soon. For my children more than anything. I am tired of missing my girls' social activities and I don't want to put my son through the same.