Monday, I mean Saturday

I got up early this morning. We are taking our pug, Zilla, to the vet today for his 2 year check up. It's hard to believe he is already two years old. Well, technically not until the 24th.

This feels like a Monday. Why?

After the vet we are going to the library, which is typical for a Saturday. Today they are having Lego Day, so Jacen will enjoy that. Douglas signed him up for a STEM club that sends out a project each month. This month's shipment was a Robotis Play set. Jacen finished his first robotic creature yesterday, a dog. He was very proud of himself. I think he did great.

Old Problem Coming Back

I don't know why, but panic attacks have started being a problem for me again. Either that or I am having heart problems. Ever since my mom's heart attack I have a fear of having one. You know, because I needed something else to fear :/  Since my panic attacks mimic the symptoms of a heart attack, I always wonder if I'm really dying. These days I keep getting a heaviness in my chest and an overwhelming sense of doom. My anxiety med calms it eventually, but it's still so scary. Today I had it happen after I got home from the grocery store. There was also a bad storm right after we got home with potential for a tornado, so that didn't help. I am finally feeling a little better. Maybe I can eat some lunch now. I wish I knew what has triggered these frequent attacks. I guess when my counseling starts up again we can get to the bottom of it.

A Cat's Life

This was such a good book. Told from a cat's point of view. Definitely worth a read if you are a cat lover, or just an animal lover in general. It will make you cry, but it will be worth it.

Sunday

Just a lazy Sunday here. I haven't done much of anything today except Facebook and lesson plans. Douglas brought home a different coffee to try and I love it! Usually I use flavored creamer in my coffee but this one has a nice cinnamon roll flavor without it.

I love coffee but it doesn't give me energy like most people. On the contrary, it relaxes me. Unless I drink more than two cups; then it makes me jittery. I also love hot tea, especially green or minty varieties. I got a free sample this week of some green tea with hints of pomegranite, blueberry, and strawberry. It was pretty good, but I don't know if I would buy it on a regular basis.

I have made it nearly a week without sodas, so coffee and tea help fill that caffeine void in my life. My skin is already starting to clear up a little from my new healthy endeavors and I have lost three pounds.

No Time for Mediocre Books

I have read several good books lately, but I just can't get into this one. Hamilton is one of my favorite authors. The Book of Ruth and A Map of the World were amazing, but this one falls flat. I don't think I'm going to be able to finish it. I hate to give up on a book, but I'd rather use my time on something more enjoyable. In her defense, part of the problem just may be the large print. I know it's a little neurotic to say this, but font really matters in how well I absorb the material. True, it's easier on my eyes, but it makes the words appear less sentimental. I may be crazy, that's what they tell me, but that's just the way it is for me. Maybe I'll try reading it in a smaller print at some point.

That's all my neurosis for now.

Better Day

I don't even want to look at what I wrote yesterday. I was being pretty grouchy. Sugar withdrawal is no joke! As for today, I feel really good. It was a productive day and I am very happy. Slight headache, but much better than yesterday. I did come close to having another panic attack this morning, but the feeling subsided. I already feel less sluggish with the junk food out of my system.

I tried exercising to a 30 minute video yesterday. I made it about 10 minutes and felt like my chest was going to cave in. Oh well, a little workout is better than nothing. I think I'll just ride my stationary bike tonight. I can go at a slow pace and work from there. I'm excited about the changes I have made.

Venting

My mom is rebelling against the healthy food I've been making and refusing to eat it. What I've made has been very delicious, in my opinion. She starts this crap every time I try to better myself in any way. I don't think it's my imagination. She truly tries to sabotage me. At least Douglas is supportive.

Truth be told, I'm experiencing emotional problems due to the withdrawals from sugar. But still, my mom upsets me. She always has to find some way to complain and be critical of me. Growing up I thought she was only critical of me and it really made me feel like something was wrong with me. But now she is critical to Douglas and my children as well. So I guess that's just how she is. I've put up with it for 38 years, I guess I'll deal with until she dies and then I will miss her and feel guilty about having these feelings of resentment.

Ugh, just needed to vent. I had a panic attack earlier today and I just can't seem to get myself under control. It may be an early to bed night for me.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I had such a great time tonight with my three children. I made a big supper and then we lounged around watching Planet Earth and talking. Some people want flowers or jewelry or a romantic date on this day, but time with my kids is the best present of all. And I'm also grateful for the time I got to spend with Douglas on Monday. I am truly blessed.

I hope everyone has had a love-filled day.

Busy Monday

I haven't had a chance to write much lately, but here I am. I had an appointment to update my treatment plan at the mental health clinic today. It always makes me so nervous because they have to ask your whole life history and all about your psychological symptoms throughout the years and whether you still have those symptoms. Like, can't you just ask me once and keep it on record? I understand having to ask about recent years, but really? Everything? Again? Every 6 months? I don't know, it just kind of bugs me.

In a nutshell, they want me to go back to counseling because of my high anxiety and some bipolar symptoms that have crept back up. Apparently, they have a new doctor too, and I am going to see her Thursday. She actually has a name I can pronounce; the last few have been of Indian descent, and while I have nothing against Indians or any other heritage, I have trouble understanding some of them due to their thick accent. So, maybe this Dr. Anderson will be a little easier to talk with. Plus, my last doctor was a little crazy. Last time I saw him I mentioned I was experiencing some depression and he went on this long tangent about how depressing HIS life is, and then told me to "think good thoughts".  Hmm...

I have had a long, but mostly good day. Douglas bought me an early Valentine's present, an Instant Pot. Truth be known he wanted one more than I did, but I am happy to have one. Just a little apprehensive. I struggle with trying new things. He says I will love this more than the crockpot. We shall see.

In addition to the Instant Pot, Douglas took us to Red Lobster for lunch. It was very good, as always, and we had enough leftovers so as I did not have to cook tonight. Win-win :) While we were out we took Jacen to get some new shoes. He desperately needed them. His old ones were getting snug. He's had a major growth spurt. He picked out a pair of Batman light up shoes right away and absolutely loves them.

 He is currently in his underwear with his Batman shoes on. I wonder if he will try to sleep in them ;)

Boxed

Several months ago we started ordering paper goods and some grocery items from Boxed.com. Most of their products are sold in bulk so it's convenient and saves a little money too. Jacen loves the big boxes their stuff comes in. Our recent order arrived today and Jacen was so happy to have two new boxes to play with. He also loves getting all the stuff out for us. All afternoon he pretended one of the boxes was a car and the kitchen table was the grocery store. He would come and buy items off the table, load them in his car and set off down the road aka living room. Then he would load them in the other box and pretend he was making a delivery. We had a lot of fun :)