Mood Swings, I Miss You

A while back I wrote about my change in medications. I have been doing well on a new cocktail of Paxil, Tegretol, and Klonopin. While I was having some rage issues in the beginning, the increase in Tegretol seemed to fix that quite nicely, and I can't remember the last time I have felt more stable. Wonderful, right?

And then out of the blue I decided I should wean myself off the medication without my doctor's consent or consultation. I began last night by decreasing the Tegretol.

I admit it, not a wise choice.

The wild thing about it is, I know this is never a good idea. Not for me, not for anyone. The doctors will tell you that. The textbooks will tell you that. Common sense will tell you that. So why do so many of us do it anyway???

To be honest, I got bored.

The thing is, I have lived with rapid cycling bipolar disorder for so many years, and there has been so little medication could do for it. I had grown accustomed, albeit weary and miserable, to going through several ups and downs per day. I've been tried on several different medications, many that made the symptoms worse instead of better. I had a fairly good round with Cymbalta and Lamictal for a while, but alas they overstayed their welcome as far as my chemical imbalance is concerned and their magic decreased month by month until I could barely tell I was on medication at all anymore. It was time for a change. And Tegretol provided a new stability that I don't remember having in a really long time. At first I was happy and relieved about that, but then I got a little scared.

It feels as if I have lost a part of myself that I have known for a long time. It's a part of me that I have detested, especially during the lowest lows, and even during the highest highs, but without those I'm so...unchanging. When you've been mountains and valleys your whole life, it takes some gear adjustments to maneuver flat plains that go on for miles. I feared I would lose my creative side. My spontaneous side. My real side.

Just one day without the Tegretol has brought me back to the reality that I do not like those sides I left behind all that much. My mind has been racing, I've had intermittent depression throughout the day, and I've had a much harder time controlling my temper. I may have to accept the flatter side of me for a while. While the Paxil has done wonders for my social anxiety, the Tegretol has given me an outrageous appetite (think of Cookie Monster; that is how I look when I devour a meal now) and it has made me "dumb". I have trouble articulating my words. I forget simple words like "shelf" and "sweater". I can almost hear the wheels creaking in my brain as it tries to write this blog well enough for it to make sense. I apologize for that.

Up, down, backwards, diagonal: these are the moves we are used to. They are the things that make life so difficult, and yet it seems reasonable to feel a little grief when they wither away under the control of pills. That doesn't mean we should stop taking them. It doesn't mean we all are meant to take medication the rest of our lives either. But finding that proper balance is a slow journey, and we have to listen to our bodies' needs, not our minds' reluctance for change. Sadly, there's not one right answer that fits everyone's illness. Some people do great with just healthy eating, proper sleep, regular therapy, and exercise; some still need one or more medications in addition to a healthy lifestyle. And what works for a month, a year, or a decade made suddenly need adjusting with no warning. That is the "thrill" of brain disorders, and there's nothing boring about that.

Days of Our Bipolar Lives

 

If you've been tuning in recently, you may have noticed some posts with recipes. This is because I am going to be adding a new page up top shortly devoted to recipes and cooking tips. What does cooking have to do with bipolar disorder? you may ask. For me, dinner time is one of the most stressful parts of my day. From deciding what I have on hand to cook to making sure nothing burns to entertaining a rather rambunctious child during the whole process, I sometimes just want to give up and cry. Sometimes I do. Sometimes there are anger issues that result in multiple stabbings to a tuna can because the can opener wouldn't work. Just pretend I didn't tell you that last part, okay?  ;) 

The truth is, evenings are hard on any tired adult who has either worked outside of the home or wrestled with children all day.  If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or other symptoms of illness, then that tacks on even more stress to the day. You may decide to order pizza, run to the nearest fast food drive-thru, or not eat at all, and none of those choices are very healthy. So I'm going to be sharing a few of my tried and true recipes that help me keep meal time as stress-free as possible. These recipes are easy enough for beginner cooks, frugal enough for life on a budget, and are at least healthier than a Big Mac and fries.

I am working on some non-food-related articles as well, but I ask for your patience as I am currently spending a lot of good quality time with my family. I do hope you will continue to read at www.bipolarly.com and if you have not done so already, please "like" me at https://www.facebook.com/Bipolarly. As always, take care of yourself and remember our motto:

“Do What You Can, With What You Have, Where You Are.”

 ~Theodore Roosevelt

Cheddar Bay Casserole

This recipe is super easy and super delicious! The biscuit topping is reminiscent of Red Lobster's famous Cheddar Bay Biscuits.
 

Ingredients:

 

2 cups chopped cooked chicken

 

1 cup chopped frozen broccoli, thawed

 

1 10 1/2oz. can cream of chicken soup

 

salt and pepper to taste

 

 

For Biscuit Topping:

 

2 cups Bisquick

2/3 cup milk

3/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese

1/4 cup butter, melted

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

 

1/4 teaspoon Old Bay Seasoning

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

Directions:

1.)  Mix together chicken, broccoli, soup, salt and pepper, and spread into a well greased baking dish.

2.)  Mix together Bisquick, milk, and cheese. In a small dish mix melted butter, garlic powder and Old Bay seasoning. Add to Bisquick mixture and stir until well blended.

3.)  Spread topping over chicken mixture in the baking dish, making sure to coat evenly for better cooking results.

4.)  Place dish in oven and bake for 20-30 minutes, or until biscuit topping is thoroughly cooked.

Makes about 6 servings. Enjoy!

The Numbers Count: Mental Disorders in America

Mental disorders are common in the United States and internationally. An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.¹ When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people.² Even though mental disorders are widespread in the population, the main burden of illness is concentrated in a much smaller proportion — about 6 percent, or 1 in 17 — who suffer from a serious mental illness.¹ In addition, mental disorders are the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and Canada.³ Many people suffer from more than one mental disorder at a given time. Nearly half (45 percent) of those with any mental disorder meet criteria for 2 or more disorders, with severity strongly related to comorbidity.¹

In the U.S., mental disorders are diagnosed based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV).⁴

Mood Disorders

Mood disorders include major depressive disorder, dysthymic disorder, and bipolar disorder.

• Approximately 20.9 million American adults, or about 9.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year, have a mood disorder.^1,2
• The median age of onset for mood disorders is 30 years.⁵
• Depressive disorders often co-occur with anxiety disorders and substance abuse.⁵

Major Depressive Disorder

• Major Depressive Disorder is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15-44.³
• Major depressive disorder affects approximately 14.8 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.^1, 2
• While major depressive disorder can develop at any age, the median age at onset is 32.⁵
• Major depressive disorder is more prevalent in women than in men.⁶

Dysthymic Disorder

• Symptoms of dysthymic disorder (chronic, mild depression) must persist for at least two years in adults (one year in children) to meet criteria for the diagnosis. Dysthymic disorder affects approximately 1.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.^1, This figure translates to about 3.3 million American adults.²
• The median age of onset of dysthymic disorder is 31.¹

Bipolar Disorder

• Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million American adults, or about 2.6 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.^1, 2
• The median age of onset for bipolar disorders is 25 years.⁵

Suicide

• In 2006, 33,300 (approximately 11 per 100,000) people died by suicide in the U.S.⁷
• More than 90 percent of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable mental disorder, most commonly a depressive disorder or a substance abuse disorder.⁸
• The highest suicide rates in the U.S. are found in white men over age 85.⁹
• Four times as many men as women die by suicide⁹; however, women attempt suicide two to three times as often as men.¹⁰

Schizophrenia

• Approximately 2.4 million American adults, or about 1.1 percent of the population age 18 and older in a given year,^11, 2 have schizophrenia.
• Schizophrenia affects men and women with equal frequency.¹²
• Schizophrenia often first appears in men in their late teens or early twenties. In contrast, women are generally affected in their twenties or early thirties.¹²

Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety disorders include panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and phobias (social phobia, agoraphobia, and specific phobia).

• Approximately 40 million American adults ages 18 and older, or about 18.1 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have an anxiety disorder.^1,2
• Anxiety disorders frequently co-occur with depressive disorders or substance abuse.¹
• Most people with one anxiety disorder also have another anxiety disorder. Nearly three-quarters of those with an anxiety disorder will have their first episode by age 21.5 ⁵

Panic Disorder

• Approximately 6 million American adults ages 18 and older, or about 2.7 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have panic disorder.^1, 2
• Panic disorder typically develops in early adulthood (median age of onset is 24), but the age of onset extends throughout adulthood.⁵
• About one in three people with panic disorder develops agoraphobia, a condition in which the individual becomes afraid of being in any place or situation where escape might be difficult or help unavailable in the event of a panic attack.¹²

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

• Approximately 2.2 million American adults age 18 and older, or about 1.0 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have OCD.^1, 2
• The first symptoms of OCD often begin during childhood or adolescence, however, the median age of onset is 19.⁵

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

• Approximately 7.7 million American adults age 18 and older, or about 3.5 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have PTSD.^1, 2
• PTSD can develop at any age, including childhood, but research shows that the median age of onset is 23 years.⁵
• About 19 percent of Vietnam veterans experienced PTSD at some point after the war.¹³ The disorder also frequently occurs after violent personal assaults such as rape, mugging, or domestic violence; terrorism; natural or human-caused disasters; and accidents.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

• Approximately 6.8 million American adults, or about 3.1 percent of people age 18 and over, have GAD in a given year.^1, 2
• GAD can begin across the life cycle, though the median age of onset is 31 years old.⁵

Social Phobia

• Approximately 15 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 6.8 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have social phobia.¹
• Social phobia begins in childhood or adolescence, typically around 13 years of age.⁵

Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia involves intense fear and anxiety of any place or situation where escape might be difficult, leading to avoidance of situations such as being alone outside of the home; traveling in a car, bus, or airplane; or being in a crowded area.⁵

• Approximately 1.8 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 0.8 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have agoraphobia without a history of panic disorder.^1, 2
• The median age of onset of agoraphobia is 20 years of age.⁵

Specific Phobia

Specific phobia involves marked and persistent fear and avoidance of a specific object or situation.

• Approximately 19.2 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 8.7 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have some type of specific phobia.^1, 2
• Specific phobia typically begins in childhood; the median age of onset is seven years.⁵

Eating Disorders

The three main types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder.

• In their lifetime, an estimated 0.6 percent of the adult population in the U.S. will suffer from anorexia, 1.0 percent from bulimia, and 2.8 percent from a binge eating disorder. ¹⁴
• Women are much more likely than males to develop an eating disorder. They are three times as likely to experience anorexia (0.9 percent of women vs. 0.3 percent of men) and bulimia (1.5 percent of women vs. 0.5 percent of men) during their life. They are also 75 percent more likely to have a binge eating disorder (3.5 percent of women vs. 2.0 percent of men).¹⁴
• The mortality rate among people with anorexia has been estimated at 0.56 percent per year, or approximately 5.6 percent per decade, which is about 12 times higher than the annual death rate due to all causes of death among females ages 15-24 in the general population.¹⁵

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

• ADHD, one of the most common mental disorders in children and adolescents, also affects an estimated 4.1 percent of adults, ages 18-44, in a given year.¹
• ADHD usually becomes evident in preschool or early elementary years. The median age of onset of ADHD is seven years, although the disorder can persist into adolescence and occasionally into adulthood.⁵

Autism

Autism is part of a group of disorders called autism spectrum disorders (ASDs), also known as pervasive developmental disorders. ASDs range in severity, with autism being the most debilitating form while other disorders, such as Asperger syndrome, produce milder symptoms.

• Estimating the prevalence of autism is difficult and controversial due to differences in the ways that cases are identified and defined, differences in study methods, and changes in diagnostic criteria. A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported the prevalence of autism among 8 year-olds to be about 1 in 110.¹⁶
• Autism and other ASDs develop in childhood and generally are diagnosed by age three.¹⁷
• Autism is about four times more common in boys than girls. Girls with the disorder, however, tend to have more severe symptoms and greater cognitive impairment.^16,17

Personality Disorders

Personality disorders represent "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it."⁴ These patterns tend to be fixed and consistent across situations and are typically perceived to be appropriate by the individual even though they may markedly affect their day-to-day life in negative ways. Among American adults ages 18 and over, an estimated 9.1% have a diagnosable personality disorder.¹⁸ Several more common personality disorders include:

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by an individual's disregard for social rules and cultural norms, impulsive behavior, and indifference to the rights and feelings of others.

• Approximately 1.0 percent of people aged 18 or over have antisocial personality disorder.¹⁸

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social inhibition, sensitivity to negative evaluation, and feelings of inadequacy. Individuals with avoidant personality disorder frequently avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, or disliked.

• An estimated 5.2 percent of people age 18 or older have an avoidant personality disorder.¹⁸

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is defined by the DSM-IV as "a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.”

• Approximately 1.6 percent of Americans age 18 or older have BPD.¹⁸

For More Information

Mental Health Information and Organizations from NLM's MedlinePlus (en Español).

References

1. Kessler RC, Chiu WT, Demler O, Walters EE. Prevalence, severity, and comorbidity of twelve-month DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005 Jun;62(6):617-27.

2. U.S. Census Bureau Population Estimates by Demographic Characteristics. Table 2: Annual Estimates of the Population by Selected Age Groups and Sex for the United States: April 1, 2000 to July 1, 2004 (NC-EST2004-02) Source: Population Division, U.S. Census Bureau Release Date: June 9, 2005. http://www.census.gov/popest/national/asrh/

3. The World Health Organization. The global burden of disease: 2004 update, Table A2: Burden of disease in DALYs by cause, sex and income group in WHO regions, estimates for 2004. Geneva, Switzerland: WHO, 2008. http://www.who.int/healthinfo/global_burden_disease/GBD_report_2004update_AnnexA.pdf.

4. American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual on Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press, 1994.

5. Kessler RC, Berglund PA, Demler O, Jin R, Walters EE. Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Archives of General Psychiatry. 2005 Jun;62(6):593-602.

6. Kessler RC, Berglund P, Demler O, Jin R, Koretz D, Merikangas KR, Rush AJ, Walters EE, Wang PS. The epidemiology of major depressive disorder: results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Journal of the American Medical Association, 2003; Jun 18;289(23):3095-105.

7. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System (WISQARS) : www.cdc.gov/ncipc/wisqars accessed April 2010.

8. Conwell Y, Brent D. Suicide and aging I: patterns of psychiatric diagnosis. International Psychogeriatrics, 1995; 7(2): 149-64.

9. Kochanek KD, Murphy SL, Anderson RN, Scott C. Deaths: final data for 2002. National Vital Statistics Reports. 2004 Oct 12;53 (5):1-115.

10. Weissman MM, Bland RC, Canino GJ, et al. Prevalence of suicide ideation and suicide attempts in nine countries. Psychological Medicine, 1999; 29(1): 9-17.

11. Regier DA, Narrow WE, Rae DS, Manderscheid RW, Locke BZ, Goodwin FK. The de facto mental and addictive disorders service system. Epidemiologic Catchment Area prospective 1-year prevalence rates of disorders and services. Archives of General Psychiatry. 1993 Feb;50(2):85-94.

12. Robins LN, Regier DA, eds. Psychiatric disorders in America: the Epidemiologic Catchment Area Study. New York: The Free Press, 1991.

13. Dohrenwend BP, Turner JB, Turse NA, Adams BG, Koen KC, Marshall R. The psychological risk of Vietnam for U.S. veterans: A revist with new data and methods. Science. 2006; 313(5789):979-982.

14. Hudson JI, Hiripi E, Pope HG, Kessler RC. The prevalence and correlates of eating disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Biol Psychiatry. 2007; 61:348-58.

15. Sullivan PF. Mortality in anorexia nervosa. American Journal of Psychiatry. 1995 Jul;152(7):1073-4.

16. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Prevalence of Autism Spectrum Disorders―Autism and Developmental Disabilities Monitoring Network, United States, 2006. MMWR Surveillance Summaries 2009;58(SS-10)

17. Fombonne E. Epidemiology of autism and related conditions. In: Volkmar FR, ed. Autism and pervasive developmental disorders. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press, 1998; 32-63.

18. Lenzenweger, M.F., Lane, M.C., Loranger, A.W., Kessler, R.C. (2007). DSM-IV personality disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Biological Psychiatry, 62(6), 553-564.

NIMH publications are in the public domain and may be reproduced or copied without the permission from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

Georgia Sliders

It's been a dreary day here in Northeast Georgia, and I had a hankering for something reminiscent of island food. You know, something to take me away, something that tastes a little better than Calgon. With little on hand besides a package of frozen precooked shrimp and some hoagie buns, I was feeling a little shipwrecked before the boat took off. But then I came up with these Georgia Sliders, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

Ingredients:

1-2 lb shrimp, cooked and chopped
1 large onion, finely chopped
2 celery stalks, finely chopped
1/2 green pepper, finely chopped
2 TB minced garlic
1/2 jalapeno, finely chopped
1 15oz. can black beans, mashed
2 TB butter or olive oil
2 eggs
1/2 cup wholewheat breadcrumbs
1/2 cup panko
1/2 cup lowfat mayo or fat free plain yogurt
salt, pepper, and Old Bay seasoning to taste
olive oil for frying
cheese of your choice, sliced to fit patty (I suggest Pepper Jack for that extra kick)
rolls or hoagie buns cut in half

Directions:

1.)  Combine cooked shrimp, onion, celery, peppers, and garlic in your favorite food processor and let it do the fine chopping for you.
2.)  Melt 2 TB of butter or olive oil in pan and saute shrimp, vegetables and garlic until vegetables are tender. While cooking, add salt, pepper, and Old Bay seasoning to your liking. Set aside to cool.
3.)  In a separate bowl, beat 2 eggs and mix with 1/2 cup of mayo/yogurt. Add the shrimp mixture, breadcrumbs, and mashed beans. Mixed together to form a firm yet workable consistency. By hand, roll into patties and bread with panko.
4.) Heat oil over medium heat and fry patties 2-3 minutes on each side or until golden brown. Drain on paper towels.
5.) lightly spread butter or oil on insides of bread and toast until lightly brown. Assemble with shrimp patty and cheese and place back in oven until heated through and cheese is melted.

Stack with your favorite garnishes: lettuce, tomato, pickles, tartar sauce, cocktail sauce, pico de gallo, coleslaw, fried onions, or whatever else floats your boat :) 

Bipolar Disorder in Children and Adolescents

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder characterized by episodes of mania and depression. These episodes are associated with unusual shifts in mood and energy. Early onset bipolar disorder, which starts during childhood or during the teen years, may be more severe than forms that first appear in older teens and adults. Some evidence suggests that young people with the illness may have more frequent mood switches, be sick more often, and have more mixed episodes (both manic and depressive symptoms).

Yesterday

• Few experts believed that bipolar disorder could occur in childhood.
• Depression and bipolar disorder weren’t considered brain illnesses, and distinct treatments for each illness did not exist.
• Researchers could not distinguish between severe irritability and bipolar disorder in children, which would make it possible to develop more effective treatments for each.

Today

• A large, nationally representative survey shows that at least half of all cases of bipolar disorder start before age 25.
• Some medications have been approved for treating bipolar disorder in children and teens, and psychotherapies, such as family focused therapy, also appear to be effective in helping children to manage their symptoms.
• Children with bipolar disorder can have co-occurring disorders, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety disorders, or other mental disorders, in addition to bipolar disorder. Scientists and doctors now know that, while having co-occurring disorders can hinder treatment response, treating bipolar disorder can have positive effects on treatment outcomes and recovery from co-occurring disorders as well. Studies focusing on conditions that frequently co-occur and how they affect one another may lead to more targeted screening tools and interventions.
• Imaging studies are beginning to reveal brain activity patterns and connections associated with specific traits associated with children who have bipolar disorder, such as mood instability and difficulty interpreting social or emotional cues.
• Genetic research reveals genetic similarities among bipolar disorder, depression, and schizophrenia. Such studies point to possible common pathways that give rise to these disorders but also highlight limitations in focusing on specific diagnoses in research. This issue has spurred a new NIMH initiative—the Research Domain Criteria (RDoC) project—to make sense of research findings that don’t fit neatly into current diagnostic categories.

Tomorrow

• Though there is currently no way to prevent bipolar disorder, NIMH is studying how to limit or delay the first symptoms in children with a family history of the illness.
• Research on novel treatment delivery approaches, such as telemedicine (providing services over satellite, Internet, or other remote connections) and collaborative or team-based care in medical care settings will improve the quality of mental health care, particularly for special populations, such as minorities and people in rural communities.
• Due to concerns that many children are being mistakenly diagnosed with bipolar disorder, many researchers are working to refine the diagnostic criteria. For example, one subset of children whose primary symptom is chronic, severe irritability may instead be better described as having a syndrome called severe mood dysregulation, while another group of children with rapidly changing moods and high energy may not have bipolar disorder at all, despite showing symptoms commonly associated with it.

Resources:

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

Rebalancing the Moments

I am disdainfully aware that I have acted rather bitchy to everyone around me today...actually, for about a week or so...or longer. Not to make excuses, but well, I DO have a few dang good ones:

1.) Hormonal wacked-outness (yes, that is a medical term...kind of) derived from 8 weeks of pregnancy and then a miscarriage

2.) That whole week of abruptly stopping my medication because I thought I had a viable pregnancy going on. Anyone who has quit their meds cold turkey knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I have just now been back on them for three days, and while things are improving, I suppose they have not reached the bitch-b-gone potency that my family is hoping-begging!-for

3.) I'm still upset about the miscarriage. Even though it was not a planned pregnancy, we would have been very happy to be parents again. Logically, I know this is for the best. I probably would not be mentally stable enough to handle another young one-it's hard enough dealing with one toddler!-and financially, it would be more strain than we really need in our lives. But tell that to yourself when you see all the healthy newborns on Facebook; all the many MANY "We're Pregnant!" announcements that just seem to be popping up on every corner of the social network. I am so thankful and blessed for the three children that I have. That is three more than many women will ever have. I shouldn't be selfish and pout about something that I really didn't need to happen right now. I guess it's just that damn biological clock always reminding me I am getting older and women in my family go through menopause earlier than natural, and gosh darn it I have the best little names picked out for more children that I still want to use...sigh, hormones!

4.) I feel guilt. Guilt that goes beyond the wanting another child when I know I shouldn't. This guilt comes from the wondering. If you have ever had a miscarriage, you know that guilt trip you take yourself on. You decide that this and this and that and that is what caused the miscarriage. For me, I am convinced that it was the psychiatric medication I was on, namely Paxil, that has been known to cause birth defects during the early stages of pregnancy. Obviously, if we had been trying to have another baby, I would have weaned myself off of all my medications months before , just as I did with my last child. But I didn't know. And throughout the chaos of our recent move and everything, my method of birth control failed me (or maybe I failed it, who knows). My theory is that the meds probably caused some chromosomal abnormalities that were not compatible with a healthy baby and the pregnancy terminated itself. And as my always-blame-myself-for-everything train of thought goes, it is my fault that this sweet little baby did not come to be.

5.) I'm just simply overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with all the life changes that have been coming about lately, about all the things out of my control, and about all the things that are within my control that I can't seem to get an adequate handle on. I need a time-out, but who has time for that? For a few days we were having this awesome deal around here, prescribed my therapist, for me to have a full hour to myself each day to do whatever the hell I wanted with no outside responsibilities. And it was fabulous! My fiance gladly took our son off my hands and I was free to do whatever-read, write, sleep, clean (I almost always chose to clean) and he even kept him a little over the one hour slot a few times. It was H E A V E N ! ! ! I love my son to bits, but it helped me so much to have a little time to reconnect to who I am outside of being a mother. My whole life is wrapped around this role, and I gladly perform that role, but I am better at that role when I can catch a freakin' break here and there! So yeah, the hours of heaven were helping. My whole focus for the day was improving. I was able to read Curious George twelve times in a row with more gusto and less yawns, sighs, tears of anguish. I was "getting there". Back to the point of knowing my role and loving it too. And then I just randomly decided to take a pregnancy test because my period was three weeks late, and things kind of changed from there. No one's had time for the leisure hour. My therapist nagged me about that last week, but unless she wants to personally come watch my son for an hour each day it's just not going to happen. My fiance is behind on school work and has been sleeping poorly. It's not his place to have to babysit my identity problems when it costs him his own sanity. He may disagree, but that is my stance on it, and I refuse to make him my doormat. I'm not THAT much of a bitch! He does still help out with our son a ton more than I would venture to guess most dads do, so I have no reason to complain.

Trust me, this is not a moan-and-groan post. It is not a list of reasons why I have bitch rights, nothing of the sort. It's a post to say "hey look, I'm human. I run a blog and a Facebook page to help inspire other women (and men, and whoever else tunes in) to keep going when the road gets bumpy and to realize your worth as an individual, limitations and all, and to do the best you can despite your symptoms, circumstances, etc. But I am human. And some days I may not sound as encouraging; some days I may sound pretty damn cynical, but regardless I am still here to care about others, to do what I can where I am. Sometimes that little bit doesn't seem like much, especially when I go months without writing a new article (SHAME!) or I'm not as quick to answer emails as I more often tend to be. I don't consider myself a leader of any sort. I am not an expert on mental illness. I am not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV (and god that was so cheesy I'm going to gag). But I do know a lot about the ups and downs that we all face; bipolar or not, this world is a bitterly mammoth pill to swallow a good portion of the time. But there are a lot of sweetnesses to be found along the way as well. Sometimes the pillow feels just right under your head as you doze off to sleep. Sometimes you don't burn dinner. Sometimes you can take a deep inhale outside and smell every memory from your whole life that's given you a reason to believe that life is worth living.

People like to tell me when I am having a bad day that there is always tomorrow. I'm a realist (NOT a pessimist!) and know that not even one of us is promised a tomorrow, or even five minutes from now. What we have is this moment, and we have a whole train of junk behind us. But I promise you, if you take the moment by moment approach-not in the way of thinking there's no point in doing anything because it may not get finished-but in the way of taking a step forward each moment, a mountain hike with the clock, if you will, then at the end of the day you will see that you had a whole bunch of moments you made matter during those ticks and tocks, and maybe you will rest easier knowing that you did all you reasonably could-no more, no less.

Yeah, today I've been bitchy. I was made aware of it, noted it in my mental notebook, and made a point to turn the bitch dial down a few notches. I apologized to my family, and ate something (I had forgotten to eat and hadn't had any caffeine-more valid excuses!), and I feel a little more mellow now. Truth be told, the Klonopin probably helped too (I had forgotten a couple of doses of that too...ah, so many excuses). Whatever the case, I have a few more moments to spend today and I plan on making them count for more than the previous part of the day did.


Original post regarding pregnancy:

Life will always, always throw curve balls.

Scratch that. Life IS a curve ball.

After fretting with all these "bipolar" symptoms-the rage, the meltdowns, the excessive moodiness...after the doctor changed my medications and I felt I was on the right track again...

I found out this morning that I am pregnant.

Yes. I know what causes that ;)  Certain precautions aren't so bullet-proof.

Needless to say, none of the three medications I am on are safe for pregnancy, so I am to not take them anymore and hope for the best.

Most likely, my OB will place me back on a low dose of Zoloft. That worked well enough with my last two pregnancies and it is considered a safer alternative to other options. I'm pretty bummed, considering how well the Paxil was helping with social anxiety. Even today, I felt at easy in a semi-crowded Walmart. That hasn't occurred in F O R E V E R!

I am more than a little OH MY GOD FREAKING OUT, A FOURTH CHILD, WHAT THE HELL, AM I REALLY THAT CRAZY about things.

But all in all, as the shock has been chiseled down throughout the day, and the fretting has exhausted itself, I am able to say that-despite the unexpected twist of fate-I am happy. My partner is happy. My daughters are happy. My toddler son doesn’t know what he’s in for in a few months  but he’s just dancing around being a toddler for now. I love my family. If I had the money and wits I would have ten kids. As it is, this will probably be the last (a certain procedure will likely ensue the birth of this one). Mood wise, who knows what I’m in for. But here I am. Pregnant.

Writer's Constipation

 

 

I think I have writer's constipation. I know, that's a very gross way to explain it, but I've been wanting to get some writing done SO MUCH lately and it's been one thing after another keeping me from it, and then when I have a free moment ...(and I use the term "moment" to describe about a half second duration where inspiration meets an actual blank tick of the clock before some other chaotic responsibility drops in and says "fooled ya!") I try OH SO HARD to get something out-a sentence, a word, a vowel-but then it's just...stuck. All those ideas, those beautiful lines of pure poetic justice that came to me while I was cooking supper or playing peek-a-boo with my son or scrubbing the toilet: stuck. It's like all of those ideas have sat in there and gotten hard and rocky and unmoveable. I'm creatively constipated. And it feels as if I am about to burst if I don't find some form of relief. So that is why I am writing this rather disgusting analogy about writer's constipation.

...and now excuse me while I go change my son's diaper. I guess this exercise helped HIM :D