And then out of the blue I decided I should wean myself off the medication without my doctor's consent or consultation. I began last night by decreasing the Tegretol.
I admit it, not a wise choice.
The wild thing about it is, I know this is never a good idea. Not for me, not for anyone. The doctors will tell you that. The textbooks will tell you that. Common sense will tell you that. So why do so many of us do it anyway???
To be honest, I got bored.
The thing is, I have lived with rapid cycling bipolar disorder for so many years, and there has been so little medication could do for it. I had grown accustomed, albeit weary and miserable, to going through several ups and downs per day. I've been tried on several different medications, many that made the symptoms worse instead of better. I had a fairly good round with Cymbalta and Lamictal for a while, but alas they overstayed their welcome as far as my chemical imbalance is concerned and their magic decreased month by month until I could barely tell I was on medication at all anymore. It was time for a change. And Tegretol provided a new stability that I don't remember having in a really long time. At first I was happy and relieved about that, but then I got a little scared.
It feels as if I have lost a part of myself that I have known for a long time. It's a part of me that I have detested, especially during the lowest lows, and even during the highest highs, but without those I'm so...unchanging. When you've been mountains and valleys your whole life, it takes some gear adjustments to maneuver flat plains that go on for miles. I feared I would lose my creative side. My spontaneous side. My real side.
Just one day without the Tegretol has brought me back to the reality that I do not like those sides I left behind all that much. My mind has been racing, I've had intermittent depression throughout the day, and I've had a much harder time controlling my temper. I may have to accept the flatter side of me for a while. While the Paxil has done wonders for my social anxiety, the Tegretol has given me an outrageous appetite (think of Cookie Monster; that is how I look when I devour a meal now) and it has made me "dumb". I have trouble articulating my words. I forget simple words like "shelf" and "sweater". I can almost hear the wheels creaking in my brain as it tries to write this blog well enough for it to make sense. I apologize for that.
Up, down, backwards, diagonal: these are the moves we are used to. They are the things that make life so difficult, and yet it seems reasonable to feel a little grief when they wither away under the control of pills. That doesn't mean we should stop taking them. It doesn't mean we all are meant to take medication the rest of our lives either. But finding that proper balance is a slow journey, and we have to listen to our bodies' needs, not our minds' reluctance for change. Sadly, there's not one right answer that fits everyone's illness. Some people do great with just healthy eating, proper sleep, regular therapy, and exercise; some still need one or more medications in addition to a healthy lifestyle. And what works for a month, a year, or a decade made suddenly need adjusting with no warning. That is the "thrill" of brain disorders, and there's nothing boring about that.
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