The Fix

Pills, pills, pills. 
Do they help? Do they hinder? 
Did I even take them today? I can't remember...


I am just angry at myself, because I was doing so well without them for a while, and actually felt like myself; like Amy, not an illness. I was doing so well...and yet I was doing horribly at the same time, and now I am doing absolutely horrible; more horrible than horrible, in fact; horribly horrible to the most horrible degree. But one pill makes me angry. The other one makes me stupid and also happens to make me want to eat large quantities of food, and that does happen even without me realizing I am eating all the food. The other one calms my nerves but makes me so numb and sleepy. It's not really life, or a living, or even remotely satisfying. I had weaned off all of these before because they were robbing my soul and poisoning my body--the pharmacy is only for shits and giggles and large quantities of money, after all--or at least that was my reasoning. So I was living, and living without pills, and living without the side effects, and living-managing-the symptoms through healthy choices and all that fun Barney happy stuff. And then life got more stressful than normal, and down down down I went. So the answer is...pills again. But the pills don't fix the problems in my life. They don't fix me. Twenty, thirty, who knows how many combinations have been tried so far, none of them "fix" it. More like a rather odd tasting bubble gum stuck over a cracked pipe, and I'm not even fond of chewing gum to begin with. It's just sticky and obnoxious. A sticky and obnoxious "fix" when the real problem is that I need a whole new pipe! How clever these doctors are. How clever the world as a whole is. Bubble gum! HA!