Self-reflection is a noble thing. I don't think we can really know who we are until we sit down and actually acquaint ourselves with our own thoughts, feelings, ideas, and beliefs. It could be considered a form of meditation, a soul-searching experience, or just plain fun. A few devils may float out of the stirring pot; so may a few angels. I don't believe any of us are all good or all bad, and we shouldn't have to be. Like a dynamic character in a beloved book, our faults make us vulnerable, believable, real. It's time to stop hating certain aspects of our genetic make-up, of our quirks and misgivings, and start embracing ourselves as a whole, full spectrum individual.
I'm sure you have all lay witness to the posts on blogs, Facebook, and countless other social sites that urge you to write thirty random facts about yourself. I don't know about you, but these posts always cause me to draw a blank. I have enough trouble writing two-sentence biographies for web articles! I don't know anything else about myself! Yet, I was lying in bed last night, too tired to get up, but too charged to sleep, and I began thinking about certain tidbits of my personality. I finally decided to get up and write some of them down. This is what I came up with:
1.) I believe in soul mates, and I know I have found mine. Now, maybe we can put up with each other for the rest of our lives. I'm betting we will.
2.) Sometimes I just really want to curl up to a soft, purring cat. Instead, I snuggle up to my son. A plus side to this: his fur doesn't make me cough. The down side: he doesn't stay asleep as long as a cat would. He does occasionally purr though.
3.) I am addicted to chapstick. I get the shakes and feel like my lips are going to peel off my face if I can't find it. I try to keep at least one stick in each room, and always, always some in my purse/diaper bag.
4.) Ditto with hand sanitizer, only instead of my lips peeling off I feel like germ bugs are crawling all over my skin until I can slather on a stout helping of alcohol-based goodness. Repeatedly. In among several hand washings. I know all about super-germs, but OCD accepts no logic. Consequently, my hands are always dry and look like they should be attached a very old lady, or perhaps a bearded dragon.
5.) Sometimes I find myself in awe that I have given birth to three healthy children. By far, they are the biggest accomplishments of my life, and they give me more joy and hope than anything else in this world.
6.) I worry too much. About everything. And when I say everything, I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. I am a creative worrier, and consistent. If I haven't worried about it, it just means I haven't thought of it yet. But I will.
7.) I love to learn. I have a very easily distracted attention span so it is hard for me to absorb much information at one time, but I have a strong curiosity for things, and I try to learn at least one new thing a day. Even if it's just reading a study that proves more people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.
8.) My toothbrush is green.
9.) One of my most cherished memories from childhood is the Mushroom Game my dad and I used to play together. This consisted of running around in our yard and seeing who could stomp on the most mushrooms. What I would give to play one more round with him.
10.) I really miss my dad. He passed away in 2010. I am still a Daddy's Girl to the core, and I honor his memory by putting my best effort into things that I think would make him proud. I just wish I had accomplished more when he was alive.
11.) As much as I am on the computer, and as much as I love organization, I hate online calendars and to-do lists. These things must be handwritten on paper. They just have to be. THEY HAVE TO BE!
12.) I'm a lot more tired than someone my age should be.
13.) I love to write. Well, actually, I hate to write because it feels like my insides are being stretched and pulled and it hurts my head and it's exhausting. But I love to have written, to look back on it and, amid the many mistakes I undeniably will find, to see my heart in print...I love that part, and it makes the torture worth it. Most of the time.
14.) You know those oooh and aaaah sounds that most people make when they see an adorable baby, a cute little kitten, or a puppy? Those are the sounds I make when I see a spider. I just want to scoop it up and give it little spider kisses. Common sense prevents this from happening, since spiders tend to bite rather than kiss, but I love them all the same.
15.) My favorite number is seven. I'm also partial to numbers that are divisible by five, and thirteen. There is a "bad number" that I avoid whenever possible (and it makes me cringe when I can't avoid it--this makes reading counting books to my son very difficult). I won't type it here but here's a hint: it comes right before seven. So yes, the best follows the worst.
16.) Ironically, the "bad number" was my favorite as a child and I had to do everything by this number. I don't recall at what age this changed or why.
17.) I am very forgiving of others. I am rarely forgiving of myself.
18.) I can't watch the news, horror movies, or soap operas. The first two are because they invoke panic attacks; the latter because I just really hate soap operas.
19.) I'm a hypochondriac, and Google is my worst enemy.
20.) I am addicted to the Internet, and yes, I actually have looked up the signs of it up on Google.
21.) I am a socially awkward person. Aside from the social anxiety, if that aspect of my character didn't exist, I imagine I would still have trouble communing with others. I'm never witty on time, my voice is so soft that half of what I say goes unnoticed anyway, and to be honest I don't really enjoy talking to people in the first place.
22.) I am afraid of talking on the phone. It might steal my soul. If you call and I don't answer, or if I never call you back, this is why. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal.
23.) I am in love with Sheldon Cooper. My fiancé is totally okay with this.
24.) I'm fairly partial to Spiderman as well.
25.) I refuse to refer to myself as "crazy" or to say "I'm bipolar". I have bipolar disorder. I'm not crazy, I'm Amy. The phrasing may mean nothing to some, but it means everything to me.
26.) I really hate when people believe something about me that isn't true. It seems to me that quiet, distant people are the easiest to just assume things about. But if you really knew me, you would be quite surprised about a lot of things, I'm sure.
27.) I still believe I will publish a book one day. This will require a lot more effort than I have put forth thus far. Yesterday I rewrote the first page to a book I had started eight years ago. At this rate, I may be in my seventies before it's completed, which means I better take better care of myself if I want to live that long! But I'm done with the insistent self-nagging that I should have been published by now. When I turned thirty, it was a major concern of mine. I felt like a failure. Thirty years old, with no completed college degree, and no completed manuscript. It really took it's toll on my mindset, and every year since then the self-hatred has gotten all the more grotesque. But I'm done with that. It will happen when it happens. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. What a freeing concept! It allows me to write without a twelve ton critic on my back digging his claws into every notion I have of success.
28.) I am extremely sensitive to loud and/or sudden noises. This includes but is not excluded to vacuum cleaners, toasters, concerts, incessantly squealing children, construction work, chainsaws, applause, and thunder.
29.) After much thought (and crying, and suicidal thoughts, and anger toward others and myself) I have come to this conclusion about a particular recent circumstance: I cannot control others' thoughts or actions. I can only control my own. I know the truth, at least to the point where I am concerned, and that is enough. If others want to think unkindly of me for something I had nothing to do with, so be it. It's petty, it's hurtful, but it's out of my hands. Illegitimi non carborundum.
30.) I am a work in progress. We all are. Stop judging my journey and walk your own.
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