My On Again-Off Again Relationship with Medication

Yesterday I asked at my Facebook page "What is the worst side effect you have ever had from a medication?" There were numerous responses, many of which I have also experienced from medications at one point or another. It's more than a little unfair that the drugs we are given to help us overcome an ailment of some sort can so often produce another ailment, sometimes much worse than the initial problem we were having!

My last post on this site admitted my recent self-wean off of one of my medications. I vowed to keep taking the drug, despite its inconvenient side effects, at least until I spoke with my doctor. But, since that post I have slowly weaned myself off all of my medications.

I'm not sure how I feel just yet. I have been a little weepier at times, and I *may or may not* be hallucinating (I am convinced the house I am living in is haunted, and I really don't think it's just a mental health issue).

I am also convinced the meds are only stifling me at this point. Rather than making day-to-day functioning easier, I feel like the drugs are creating more issues than they erase. It's a personal decision, and I am an adult, albeit a little unreasonable and delusional at times. I am certainly not suggesting anyone reading this follow in my footsteps and discontinue your medications. I am not endorsing that at all! I will repeat, this is a personal choice. Not a recommendation!

Having said that, I know my own personal history with mental illness. My bipolar symptoms tend to take a hiatus every now and then, and flair up at other times. The schedule seems to usually run as two years on, two years off. I have always been a strong believer in only taking medication when it is truly needed. Many might disagree with me, and they may very well have right to do so. But for me, I take the drugs to decrease debilitating symptoms, because at those times I really can't function without them. The side effects are a drawback, but they are better than the alternative...but then the tables flip and as my symptoms decrease so does my patience for those side effects.

But how do you know when you will be safe to wean off your medication when it may actually be the drugs' effectiveness giving you a false security of wellness?  It's a valid question, and that is why it's so important to speak with your doctor before making any drastic changes like this. Personally, I don't really know, but at the same time I do. I just get this feeling, the stifled feeling, and it prompts me to reevaluate my mental health status. This is not medically sound advice, because often when we "just know" that we are alright without treatment that is when we are the most unwell. It's easier to tell if a drug is working for, say, high blood pressure or a cold. You are certain of the symptoms present, and you are certain of what your recovery should feel like. With mental illness it's a lot trickier. Your mind is the ill piece, and this affects emotions and thought processing. It's hard to know exactly what the outcome should feel like. "Better", you say, and we all know what that means: a lack of the symptoms that produced this sense of misery in the first place. But would you trade a limp for an amputation? That's often what it can seem like, mentally speaking, when side effects rob you of even more of your abilities than the illness. It all comes down to input/output. How is what you are putting in your body affecting what is coming out? Of course, I don't mean bodily fluids, though the drugs can definitely make those a bit kooky at times too! But coming out as in meaning, how are you feeling? How do the people around you, the ones who know you the best, rate your behavior? How are you handling daily stressors? Do you feel like "yourself" or like the real you has been medicated away?

Most importantly, could something besides medication have the same or better success at controlling your most troublesome symptoms? Just like healthy lifestyle choices can help stabilize blood sugar in diabetes, it can make a huge difference in mental illness as well. Sometimes medication will still be needed to tame the worst of the illness, and sometimes it won't. But I think our biggest problem is that we seek an easy solution, a magic pill, that is going to make everything fine and dandy without much effort on our part. But medicine is more like a crutch than a new leg. It can be the support that helps you stay stable, but by itself pills are not a cure-all. I was going to type out a list of things that contribute to the wellness factor, but then a friend forwarded me 6 Steps Toward Resilience & Greater Happiness and it points out all the things (and a few more) that I would have mentioned, so that saved me some time :)  I highly recommend you read this useful material. And don't just read it; apply it to your life. Make an honest effort to get enough sleep, eat well, exercise, nurture relationships, seek out your purpose, and practice gratitude. See if it makes a difference. Then, if you begin questioning the need for medication, it's time to discuss things with your doctor and determine whether a med-free life is achievable for you. There is no shame in taking medication if you need it. Just because someone tells you how wonderful they feel without the meds, it doesn't mean that you will have the same results. But if you are struggling with side effects, even after your doctor has changed your medications several times, then it may be something to research.

I don't know how long I will go med-free this time around. It may be a couple of years, or I may have to resume them next week. Time will tell. It's been a rocky relationship, and I think it always will be.