“I have this rule I live by: Only do what you can do. That means you're never looking outside for what's popular; you're always looking inside for what's true.” -Delia Ephron

Bottling It Up

I can't seem to get myself together this week.  Lots of stress, depression, and paranoia.  Sometimes I wish I had never attached my real name and face to this blog; that way I could write about what's really bothering me. But anyway.  Hopefully I will feel better soon.  I just want to cry my eyes out I'm so burnt out on everything. But if I start I may never stop.  So, here's to bottles! 

It's Great to be Mom

My life's purpose can be summed up by this:

Dad brings kid to me.  "He's your son."  Meaning kid has pooped.  I clean it (obviously). Because I am Mom.  That is what I do.  I do whatever everyone else is too busy, too grossed out, or feels too degrading to do.  I don't receive a paycheck for it.  But maybe, just maybe my kids will always love me.  That is "pay" enough.  

And, besides. If anyone ever offered to change the poopy diapers for ME, I would die of shock.  

Happy (Slightly Freaky) Friday

For any of you who follow me on my rarely used Twitter, I apologize for any links you may have received, as apparently I was hacked.  Thankfully Doug from My Equator Search let me know about it or it could have gone on quite a while I'm sure.  This nice little hacker had already changed my password AND email address, so that was fun.  But all seems to be back to normal now...for how long, who knows!  

By the way, if you want to follow my rarely-used-by-me-but-often-by-hackers twitter account, you can find me @Bipolarly. I really never caught on to the Twitter thing.  It still confuses me quite a bit...that can't be a sign of my age because many people my age and older are really into it.  So perhaps it is a sign of my lack of intellect.  I am okay with that.  

Now, I am off to the hair salon.  Not only am I getting my long tangled mess chopped off, but my son is getting a much needed trim.  His first two haircuts were a nightmare, so I am not holding out much hope for better this time.  I am thankful for such a sweet hair stylist.  I have known her my whole life (she used to babysit me, in fact) and she is the only person I trust to do Jacen's hair.  Bless her heart for that!   If you are the praying type, and I hope you are, then say a prayer for Susan the hair stylist, and for Jacen the victim, and for his dad and I, the evil pair who inflict such terrible things like haircuts upon them both.  

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Mixed and Tangly

I had a bad night.  I started doubting everything about myself.  My mind was swirling around a million ideas at once, all a million times faster than I could keep up with.  I hated myself.  I hated everything about my life.  I hated that I can't focus enough to change anything.  I couldn't sleep.  I would start crying but then I would stop because I was tired and angry and not in the mood to cry...but then I would start crying again anyway.  I was on edge, restless, and completely without a compass to direct me back to level ground.  My fiance was off last night but it did no good because I couldn't articulate a solid sentence of what was wrong.  He's a fixer and he wants to fix what's wrong when I feel bad.  But you just can't fix this stuff.  I did tell him I would like my head cut open so all this crap could drain out.  He didn't approve of that type of fix.  

Today, I'm a milder degree of the same.  I really don't feel well, not just mentally, but physically too (damn that time of the month).  I want to sleep, but I can't sleep.  I want to relax, but I can't get rid of all this noise and static and tangled mass of cords in my head.  I am just trying to keep my temper under control and give my son what he needs for a good day.  No sense in both of us being miserable.  

A Life on the Rapid Cycle

I wrote the following passage in my journal back in 2009.  Though it's a little bleak in attitude, I think fellow rapid cyclers may be able to relate...

Why make decisions, when my mind will change with my next breath?  The sun pops into existence, shining brightly, too brightly to feel like a sun at all. Its artificial spotlight catches the sight of my brain parade as it shoots across the stars and scatters.  Suddenly it is night, and the blackest shade of black cannot elude the emptiness that grips my inner being.  The thickness of it chokes my lungs, the carelessness of it rips out all feeling apart from grief.  Because the loss of feeling is a grief, a longing for things lost, an absence of purpose.  It is a separation from self, a growing disbelief that the self ever existed at all.

I close my eyes and open them, and again the sun blinds me, burns me.  Along with it rushes a disturbing wind of thoughts and ideas.  The grand illusion of it all!  I feel on top, running along at inhuman speed, when the reality of the matter is I am free falling off the edge, oblivious to everything real and solid.  

Why trust my mind, when my mind controls me?  It is apart from me, a bullet flying madly through the air toward me.  It creates me, destroys me, and though I am linked to it in scarring patterns, my mind and I remain strangers. We are wildly grasping at straws in effort to become one.  We are two objects chasing after one another like a dog chasing its tail, only it is impossible to tell who is the head and who is the tail.  Instead of working together in a constructive coexistence, we attack each other.  A black eye here, a broken bone there.  We are at war on uneven grounds.  

The sun comes.  The night comes.  Quickly, quickly!  The constant spinning, the constant tug of war.  It exhausts us both.  We fall silent, wounded, against the contrasts of unruly bliss and derailing misery.

Blog for Mental Health 2014

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”  

Sometimes I want to give up on this blog.  I think to myself, what's the point?  What difference am I making?  A blog about how I feel on good days, on bad days, on horrible days...who cares?  And what wisdom could I possibly pass on to anyone when I remain so confused about my own care? But, I occasionally receive private emails telling me that something I wrote really hit home for someone.  Suddenly they don't feel as alone.  And bingo, there's my purpose.  Because, sure, this blog isn't for everyone.  There are millions of sites out there with more useful information, more grains of wisdom, more skillful wording than my worn out brain can articulate.  But sometimes someone gets me, and I get them, and that is a beautiful opportunity I don't want to miss out on.  Plus, it's really great to have a place to vent about stuff.  

A lot has happened since I first received my diagnosis in 2006.  I got worse, I got better, I got worse again. Over and over and over again. Right now I am yo-yoing from here to there and back at an alarming speed, but that's just par for the course.  I don't know if there will ever be a working combo when it comes to meds.  I don't know if I will ever reach a point where I feel well and recovered more than 10% of the time.  But I sure do hope I keep the fight up.  And I hope you all will too.  

I decided to take the pledge this year via A Canvas of the Minds because I think it will help me remember how important this blog is.  Even if it's just important to one person.  Even if that one person is me.  I am excited to start reading some of the other blogs that are taking part in this project.  There are so many of us!  And that is absolutely wonderful :)  

If you would like to participate, go to Blog for Mental Health 2014 for details. I hope you'll join us!  

Better Luck Tomorrow

Mondays are intimidating and frustrating, but maybe this will bring some cheer :)  

23 Ways to Instantly Make Your Day Better

“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” -Stephen King

The Blogger Showcase

For a while now I have had a blog list posted on this page (to the left, to the left) and if you have not done so already, I encourage you to check some of these gems out.  Not all of them are related to mental health, but they are all blogs I like to keep up with as they enrich my life in one way or another.  Today I would like to highlight a few of these blogs.  I can't really choose "favorites", so I will just pick at random:

Being Truly Present   This is an excellent blog, not only for the written content but for the beautiful drawings.  This blogger also seasons her posts with some very powerful quotes, and if you know me well enough you know I am a sucker for some good quotes.  I can tell Diane puts a lot of thought into what she writes and draws, and the result is an outstanding, well-organized blog. 

Dark Thoughts  I found this blog recently and I visit it almost daily.  Mary has an eclectic range of topics she posts about, from book reviews to freebie opportunities to adorable rat pics.   I always get a nice chuckle out of Twitter Wednesdays.  Keep up the great work, Mary! 

Terminally Intelligent   I've been following this blog for about a year now, and I absolutely love it! I really like Rory's writing style and his topics hit home a good portion of the time.  Rory and his fiancee Jenny also have an additional blog, The Face of Mental Illness that invites others to share their own personal stories.  Check out their submissions tab to find out how you can be a part of this great project. 

Bipolar The Enemy Within   Here you can find some great links to news stories related to mental health.  T. R. Savage has also recently published a book, Bipolar: How My Wife Saved My Life From The Enemy Within.  I look forward to reading it very soon! 

...and I don't like onions  I can't remember how I came across this blog, but I do recall being very intrigued by the title.  Savanna has a really great blog that covers many topics, including OCD, motherhood, shopping/product reviews, and some very yummy recipes!  She is currently taking part in the 2014 Blogger Challenge and I am enjoy reading her posts each day.  

If you have a blog, I welcome you to share it in the comments here.  I would love to add it to my reading list!  I may even showcase it on here sometime :)