I had a bad night. I started doubting everything about myself. My mind was swirling around a million ideas at once, all a million times faster than I could keep up with. I hated myself. I hated everything about my life. I hated that I can't focus enough to change anything. I couldn't sleep. I would start crying but then I would stop because I was tired and angry and not in the mood to cry...but then I would start crying again anyway. I was on edge, restless, and completely without a compass to direct me back to level ground. My fiance was off last night but it did no good because I couldn't articulate a solid sentence of what was wrong. He's a fixer and he wants to fix what's wrong when I feel bad. But you just can't fix this stuff. I did tell him I would like my head cut open so all this crap could drain out. He didn't approve of that type of fix.
Today, I'm a milder degree of the same. I really don't feel well, not just mentally, but physically too (damn that time of the month). I want to sleep, but I can't sleep. I want to relax, but I can't get rid of all this noise and static and tangled mass of cords in my head. I am just trying to keep my temper under control and give my son what he needs for a good day. No sense in both of us being miserable.
3 comments:
We all have good and bad days, hopefully you have more good than bad and tomorrow is another day that could be good. Just trying to get through each day can be a trial but if you can find one thing to smile about during that day then it's a good day.
I hate days like that! I swear the time of month does not help one bit! I'm thinking about you. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Thank you, Mary and Savanna.
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