A Botched New Year

 This year is not off to a good start. I've botched my diet all five days. I'm anxious and depressed and burned out and feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown again. I was doing so well just a few days ago. Hopefully this dark place will be a short visit. I don't know how to get this year back on track. I feel so alone in this struggle. I can't even put into words all that I'm feeling. I keep remembering how hard this time last year was, which is not something I will share with anyone, but that part of my life is still hard to forget. I've forgiven, but I'm afraid it will happen again, and that scares me. I can't really say much about it on here because it's private, so I need to just drop it. Suffice it to say, I'm struggling with a lot of hurt feelings, both past and present. Maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me. I don't know. None of this post makes any sense so I need to stop writing. Maybe I should try therapy again. 

Happy New Year!

 I've been doing pretty well with my mental health lately. The meds are working, plus I've been taking more time for myself to read and take care of myself. It helps! This year I want to get my physical health back in shape. I'm going to try to journal my way through it so I have some accountability.

 Day One: I ate healthy all day...until I started getting a migraine tonight and proceeded to self-medicate with Mr. Pibb, cream cheese dip & pita chips, and a slice of cake. My sugar-withdrawal headache is better now, and I'm not going to dwell on the downfall. I'll try again tomorrow. At least I made it until 9 p.m.! Nights are always the hardest. But I'll do better. 

Manic

 I've been hypomanic all day. Cleaning up a storm and feeling great! My mind's racing though and I can't sit still. I'm really excited because my girls might come for supper Wednesday! I have a menu made for that night. Also, my husband's family is coming back over on Christmas day and I have a menu planned for that as well. It's crazy thinking how much I was dreading Thanksgiving last month because of the depression, and now I'm giddy and excited for Christmas get togethers! Hopefully I don't crash by then. I feel really wonderful, but a little revved up, like it could easily go too far. But I'm praying I just stay where I am now. 

Cleaning

 I have felt better today and have gotten some cleaning and laundry done. I'm kind of anxious and irritable with the kids, but I'm trying to hide that. I started a cleaning app called Sweepy and I like it so far. I like that it tells me what to do each day so I don't have to decide on my own. I haven't been sleeping well at all, but hopefully that will change soon. 

Overwhelmed

 I hate when I get like this! I don't really feel like doing anything, but then I'll catch a wave of WANTING to do something productive but I get too overwhelmed so I end up doing nothing and hating myself for being so lazy. I have washed the bedding at least. That's something I guess. I need to do a lot more, though. I just feel so tired. 

Gloomy

 This rainy, gloomy weather has me feeling kind of down. I don't really feel like doing anything, but hopefully I will feel better soon. Whenever the sun comes out, probably. 

Recovery Part 2

 It may be two weeks late, but I finally made Mom a homemade peanut butter cake for her birthday. I have come a long way from the mental breakdown I was having in November. Recovery is not black and white, set in stone, or able to be calculated by time. Rather, it is a ladder that I climb each day. Some days I may be on a low bar, and others I may be way up high in the clouds, but I will always be somewhere under, on, or above that same ladder. I have felt pretty good today, on a medium bar you could say, so I made a cake. I hope it tastes as good as it smells. I don't know where I'll be on the ladder tomorrow, or even later today, but I aim to be climbing up. 

Recovery

Recovery from a mental breakdown is not black and white. In some ways I'm feeling better, and in some ways I'm not. I'm able to make it through the motions of being an adult, but part of me still feels stuck and confused and bound to fall down again. For about a week I felt very well, and compared to how I was before, that is a tremendous improvement. But today I feel like I'm back in survival mode, steps above the breakdown, but not really well. I don't know, maybe it's the Vistaril making me feel more glum. I'm in a pondering mood today, and that's exhausting. I guess I'll drink my coffee and try to make today count for something. I really wish I could go back to bed. I had another restless night of sleep. That seems to be the norm these days. If I could just get back on a stable sleep schedule I think it would solve a lot of my problems. 

Frustrated

 I got a decent night of sleep and had a good start to the day, but now it's after 3 p.m. and I feel like I am unraveling. Stressed and tired and just wanting to be left alone. I put my daughter down for a nap only for the dog to wake her up ten minutes later, after I had laid down myself thinking I could rest my eyes for a little while. She was in an awful mood so I put her back down to hopefully go back to sleep. I am so sleepy because I took some allergy medicine, and a Vistaril for my nerves. I'm still stressed despite the med and really wanting a nap. I can barely string words together to write this, but thought I'd record the current mood. Bye bye for now. 

9:30 p.m. Getting ready to go to bed. I did get a chance to doze off this afternoon for a few minutes. I feel kind of depressed. Nothing major, just blah. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. 

Sleepy

I couldn't sleep last night, so I have been really dragging today. Yesterday evening I had a psychiatry appointment and it went well. He prescribed Vistaril to help with my anxiety, which I have been on before. I can take up to two a day as needed. I took one this afternoon because my nerves were on edge, and I feel like it helped the anxiety, but of course it did not help my drowsiness from having no sleep. Crazy thing is, I took a Vistaril AND my Doxepin last night and I STILL stayed awake! I don't know why, I just hope I can sleep tonight. 

Other than lack of sleep and anxiety, I am feeling pretty good. Depression is gone. I hope I don't see it again for a very long time.