Not Broken

Someone posted this on Facebook today and I love it. It describes me and my life quite well. I have a lot of shattered pieces glued together from the past. Some of those shards still cut through my heart. Last night my oldest daughter told me that she and her sister would probably not be coming to see me on Mother's Day. They are going to their stepmother's parents' house instead. I know they consider their stepmom to be their "real" mom due to circumstances, and I understand why. But I can't say that it doesn't hurt tremendously to not see my children on Mother's Day. I love them more than I can even begin to say in words, and I just pray they know that every day of their lives. As my mom told me this morning, I may hurt because of this but I have a responsibility to keep myself together for my son's sake. I still have a chance to be the mom to him that I couldn't be to my girls when they were little. I intend to not fail so much with him. Sometimes I feel like I fail anyway, but I'm trying. Of course, I tried with my daughters, and still do, but life had some twists that we never saw coming.

So no, I am not put together at all, but I'm trying to find the beauty in the good moments, to remember the good memories, and make new ones along the way. Some parts of my life are ugly. They are called my mistakes. I don't get a do over. I'm just doing the best I can with what I have. It's all anyone can do.

I hope everyone who reads this has a Happy Mother's Day.

The Smell of Death

I will catch up on blog reading next week. This week I have been preparing to have my in-laws over for a party celebrating my husband's birthday and Mother's Day since they fall on the same day this year. I still have some cleaning to do and now there is apparently a dead mouse hidden somewhere in our kitchen. It smells awful! I I think I have narrowed it down to a corner and of course that would be the corner where a bunch of junk is piled, so I am about to move it all and hopefully do away with the nasty corpse. I have such a weak stomach so this isn't going to be fun, but I certainly want to get it out of here asap! Wish me luck!

Pug Advice

“As a wise Pug once said, all you need is love, kibble and a 

de-worming tablet every three to six months.” 

― Gemma Correll, A Pug's Guide to Dating

Redneck Bird Feeder

Here's an easy thing to do this spring. Take a toilet paper roll, slather it in peanut butter, and roll it in birdseed. Then find a good place to string it up. Jacen didn't like getting peanut butter on his hands but otherwise he had a fun time. We are waiting to see if we have any bird visitors that like it.

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds that you plant.”

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Sunday

I am such an inconsistent blogger, but I've just been busy lately. As was the case with the first surgery, Mom has been a handful during recovery. The after effects of anesthesia and the pain meds do a number on her. She becomes downright delirious and much like an Alzheimer's patient. Plus, she has been in a lot of pain. And there's always that fear of her falling again. We had to take her to the ER a few days ago because she scratched her incision and it started bleeding. She was convinced she was bleeding to death and got very angry with me for not being as concerned about it as she thought I should be. Five hours at the ER to tell her that she was fine and send her home. 

I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. It's just frustrating. I don't make a very good nurse. 

Warning Signs

Mom came home from the hospital yesterday and is doing pretty well. Mainly she sleeps. Pain meds pretty much knock her out. The surgery was a success. Now if we can prevent her from falling anymore she should be fine.

The picture above is from one of her discharge papers. The warning signs of a heart attack are the same symptoms I have during a panic attack. So you can see why I'm afraid when one hits. I'm sure an actual heart attack is even more intense than what I experience but when I'm having a panic attack my mind always goes to the what-ifs. 

Sweet 16

I had my daughters over this evening to celebrate Emily's 16th birthday (it was on the 9th). Per her request, we had tacos and nachos and Coca-Cola cake. I gave her a keepsake box that says Color Guard on the top, and a gift card to go shopping with. She seemed to really like her gift. They only got to stay a couple of hours but we had a fun time. I hope to see them again soon. They just live down the road but they stay so busy. I cherish the time I do have with them, though. I love all three of my children so much. I am very blessed.

Courage

I read my piece to the writing group yesterday evening and everyone said they liked it. The author said I was a "deep thinker" and that my writing was "lyrical"...I suppose that's good? He gave me some insightful advice about how to make my writing even better, and I'm very grateful for that. Turns out I actually enjoy this kind of setting with like minded writers. I was still a little nervous, even after taking two anxiety pills that day, but now that I have made it through I feel like I could do it again, maybe without the pills next time. I feel like I've opened a window out of my social prison. Just a little window, not a big huge door, but even the small amount of light on the other side is enough to make me want more of it.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." (Anaïs Nin)

Books, Writing, and The Weekend

This is the current stack I'm working on. The top one was kind of silly, but it gave me some ideas for more books to read. The second one was much better and gave me better ideas of books to read. The third one I abandoned halfway through. Typical mental illness memoir. I wrote about that the other day. So now I have three more to read, and I'm going to the library tomorrow so I will probably come home with several more. I have a fear of running out of things to read, even though that's not even possible. I bought several TBR books at the library sale last month so I have back up in case I run out of library books.

I worked on my writing assignment this evening. I literally broke out in hives thinking about reading it to everyone Monday. So, I'm just going to take things step by step and work on one thing at a time. First write it (done), then rewrite, then don't think about it until Monday, then pray for mercy and courage. I'm going to get up early in the morning so I can edit in peace. Getting up earlier than my son is pretty hard to do, though.

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend.