The Blank Page

I have made an outline of what I want to include in my memoir, but I am having trouble finding a starting part. I know I have heard a thousand times to just jump into the story, that it doesn't matter what part of the book you write first, but I feel like the beginning will set the tone for the whole book, and I just can't find that yet. I've been reading through my old journals and I came across a letter that my ex-husband wrote to me shortly after we parted, back when he still loved me. Needless to say, I can't stop sobbing now. Going back into this is so hard, why am I doing this to myself? Well, I know why. I need closure, if you can possibly have closure from something like that. I'm praying the right words can come out of me to do the story justice. Some people say I am a good writer, but I fail to see it. I seem to make an awful muck of things when I try to write.

Possible Explanation

My husband did some research and we think the antibiotic my doctor gave me last week may be messing with the absorption of my psych meds. That would explain a lot if it's true.  I only have a couple more days left on my antibiotics so maybe I will feel normal again soon.

I felt really tired today but my mind is racing. Major headache too. I did manage to get some freezer meals made for next month, so that's something. Oh, and I swept the floor. Somehow that chore always gets postponed to the point that when I do sweep I have enough dog hair to take the form of Bigfoot in our trash can.

I'm going to try to start writing on here on a regular basis, maybe not. Just taking it day by day.

It's Back

It has been three years since I have posted anything on here. I have been doing well. Amazing meds. Amazing life. Yada yada.

But, after three years of no mania and just occasional mild depression, I feel a little shaky right now. I've begun to experience some mania. I think it's because I haven't been sleeping well, or maybe the impending mania is the reason I haven't been sleeping well. I don't know. My brain won't shut up and yet it feels blank at the same time. Does that make sense?

Incidentally, I decided a month ago that I would participate in NaNoWriMo this November. I decided it was time to write THE book, my memoir, because I have wanted - needed - to for so long. So this month I have been working on an outline, jogging my memory for the time around 2006-2007 when my illness really got ugly. It's hard to dig up those old bones, even though I think about that time in my life constantly. But actively seeking out the memories in order to write them as clearly as possible is much harder on me, mentally and physically. I was sick all last week, and my anxiety has been through the roof, and now (since last night) I feel the old pangs of mania. It's like there is electricity running through my veins. Even worse, there's a hint of dysphoria to go along with it.

Now, I could stop my work and rebury everything. Pretend it never happened. Hope for wellness and go about my merry little way. Or I could dig deeper, God help me. A lot is at stake here. I feel like I need to write this memoir for my daughters. I have never been able to adequately explain to them what happened when they were young. I feel like they need to know. But I also have a young son to take care of now and me going off the deep end will likely make history repeat itself.

So I guess I need to magically come up with a way that I can write this memoir without it completely undoing all my years of stability.

My first step is to try to get some sleep.

Motherhood and Madness

The month of May, particularly this weekend, is a time to reflect on the love and sacrifice of mothers, and it is also Mental Health Awareness month. I have seen many posts regarding each matter in the past week, but I am going to combine the two, because they are so intertwined in my life that I can hardly regard one without the other.

Motherhood, what a blessing. And mental illness, what a prison. And yet, some days, I mistake motherhood for the prison. I love my children, to a debilitating degree. No one could have ever prepared me for what being a mother does to your heart. I was twenty when I had my first child. I can't lie and say it was a perfectly beautiful experience, because I suffered severe postpartum depression for several months. I wondered how I could love this child so much and yet feel so detached, and the guilt over that less-than-charming emotion made me feel like a horrible mother. I tried to hide these darker thoughts, but the times I had to leave my daughter screaming in her crib while I went outside to do some screaming of my own, along with the times I would hand her over to my husband the moment he came home from work are telltale signs that I wasn't handling this new arrangement very well.

Thank God for antidepressants, and for my OB/GYN who recognized what was really going on with me despite my reluctance to talk about it. Things got better. I started enjoying motherhood. We decided to have another baby.

I was the happiest person ever with my second pregnancy. People had to tell me to stop doing so much. I didn't listen, which probably contributed to how close I came to delivering prematurely. Two months of strict bed rest and medication helped keep her put until a safer date, and after a couple of days in the NICU we got to take home our second daughter. It was truly love at first sight and I couldn't help thinking, YES, this is what becoming a mom is SUPPOSED to feel like! I loved both of my daughters so much, and I wanted to protect them from every bit of harm in this world. And at that time I felt well equipped to do so. I had a strong faith in God and I had a wonderful husband. What could go wrong?

But a lot went wrong. It's hard to pinpoint exactly when I started really cracking under the pressure. There are things I remember happening as young as four years old - the voices, the Shadow Men, the obsessions and compulsions - and I began experiencing bouts of depression off and on around age eleven. But, at age 26, my mental health began unravelling in more dramatic ways and I had no idea what to do about it except to pray harder and hide as much of the problems as I could. I was a mother. I was a pastor's wife. I was a devout Christian. This kind of thing wasn't supposed to happen to "good" people. Where had I went wrong, and why was the devil attacking me like this? I was so confused, and so afraid to admit to anyone what was happening to me. I tried to keep it all together -for my daughters, for my husband, for the church. But I was about to break, and it would change all of our lives forever. 

I spent the next year in and out of mental hospitals. Medication after medication after medication was tried; some worked, some made things worse. I was out of touch with reality. I was irrational. I began drinking heavily as a way to cope, even though I had barely even tasted a wine cooler before all of this started. I also began to smoke because someone at the hospital had told me it helped his nerves. I didn't care about my physical health at that time. I just wanted to FEEL better. There are many parts of that time in my life I don't even remember. The part I wish I could forget is that I lost my family, and it was my fault. I have never blamed anyone else for what happened. I have always blamed myself for it, and I always will. I will always live with the consequences, and it produces more grief than anyone can possibly know. 

I distanced myself from the God I had trusted in my whole life. I felt so betrayed, and I also felt so much guilt. I felt like I must have done something wrong for my mind to become so botched. Furthermore, I had no way to trust my own thoughts, so how could I trust, or even believe in, someone I could not see? I was angry and I was hurt. More than anything, I missed my daughters. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. But it just doesn't work that way. 

My anger and dismissal of God increased as I lost my dad to cancer. I felt like I should be the one dying, not him. I was the one who deserved it. Seeing the man I had looked up to my whole life, the strongest person I knew, lying so fragile on that hospital bed is the most inhumane thing I have ever seen. It didn't seem fair. Meanwhile, I was trapped in an abusive marriage and I could feel myself about to break again. Thankfully, I left that bad relationship (thanks to the help of a good friend and my mom), and I also quit my job three days later. It was the only way I could keep myself from having to go back to the hospital. I wasn't sure what would happen next, but I had to trust that it would be better somehow.

And it was. Douglas and I began dating five years ago and we have a precious little boy. I didn't think I would ever have anymore children. I didn't think it was wise, given my mental health history. But it happened and I don't regret it. I do wish I was 100% mentally stable 100% of the time, but I don't even think "normal" mothers can claim to be that. Motherhood is a blessing, but it is difficult. I think it's doubly hard in my case because I have to ask myself every day, "am I stable? Am I thinking clearly? Is what I am seeing/hearing real, or is it just in my mind?" I am unable to drive or work due to the severe panic attacks I experience, along with the other problems, and yet I am in charge of a toddler each day. Go figure. I see my girls as much as I am allowed to. I do the best I can with what I have, where I am, every day. Some days are really, really bad. And some, almost normal. It's a balancing act, this motherhood thing, this mental illness thing. Both are unpredictable. And both will have their hold on me for as long as I live. I love my children more than anything in this world. I have come back to terms with God. Imaginary or not, I need Him. Maybe He needs me as well. After all, parents need their children as much as children need their parents. 

Happy Mother's Day to each and every one of you. I didn't share this for pity or attention, and I tried not to go into a lot of detail about things that involved other people other than myself. I just feel like what I went through may help someone else who is silently struggling. As mothers, we tend to our children's needs and often neglect our own. I am here to tell you that it will backfire on you if you do it for too long. I am still guilty of not asking for help when I desperately need it. I promise to work on that, and I hope you will too. Enjoy your weekend, and even if no one else tells you, please know that you are doing an awesome job. You are far more important to the people you take care of than you will ever know.

This will be brief, but I wanted to post an update for anyone wondering what happened to me.  The truth is, I'm not really sure.  I am having what I believed to be another batch of cluster headaches (if you are not familiar with this type, look it up: they hurt really bad!) but along with those I am having intense bouts of rage, so much so that I am unbearable to my family.  D almost left with our son this morning.  I am glad that he didn't; on the other hand, maybe that would be best for them, though not for me. I have had thoughts of killing myself just so they don't have to deal with me anymore.  That may sound absurd to you readers, but you aren't in this household, so you don't really know how bad it is.  So there.

While the rage is the most terrible part of all of this, I am also troubled by how these headaches are affecting not only my behavior, but my speech and coordination.  Yeah, yeah, go to the doctor you say.  Well, we're working on it.  We don't have the money.  I don't have insurance.  But we're working on figuring out something. Obviously.

In the meantime, no, I have not been visiting anyone's blogs.  Please don't be offended.  I still enjoy reading them, but my vision has been very poor with all of this going on, as well as my concentration.  I am not going to be writing on here.  I just can't.

If you are spiritual, your prayers are appreciated. If you are not, don't worry about it.  It is what it is.  If you have a medical degree and/or have any idea what could cause this type of headache/rage/etc. then feel free to fill me in.  I am guessing it could be neurogical, psychological, or hormonal, or a combination of those.  But I am not a doctor.  So I can't say for sure, and Web MD just makes me think I have a brain tumor.  So I am trying to avoid any attempts at self diagnosis.

Self Therapy Hulu Style

I'm alive.  However, the past few social excursions have taken a toll on me so I am not feeling real great, hence the lull in blog posts.  I am just trying to stay as calm as possible to avoid triggering any major shifts in mood or an increase in anxiety.  We are having my daughter's birthday party this Saturday.  It will only be a small gathering of close family members here, but even that has me a little on edge.  Plus, I am PMSing so my temper is on short circuit.  I just want to stuff my face with chocolate and lay around watching Hulu.  I am not a big TV watcher, but in addition to my regulars - The Middle, Modern Family, and The Goldbergs - I have found a show called Pramface that I started watching last night.  These are the shows I catch up on when I can't sleep.  I have other shows that I watch with Douglas before he goes to bed each afternoon (remember, he works night shift) that I just don't feel right watching without him. Our ultimate favorite is Dr. Who :)  

Still, I'd rather choose a book over television, but sometimes when I am not feeling well I can't concentrate to read.  TV doesn't take quite as much effort. The worst times are when I can't even concentrate on that, usually during the mixed states.  

I have been feeling a strong pull to start working on my book again, but when I sit down to work on it I just can't get things in motion.  I am so indecisive, it's ridiculous. And I keep letting that "you suck at this" voice talk me out of my drive to pursue its completion.  I am not giving up, though. I may be moving as slow as a snail, so much so that it can hardly be called progress, but considering everything else I have going on in life, I don't think I am making excuses.  I'm just really overwhelmed!  As I have expressed on here before, I know there will come a time when I will have a little more free time to work on this dream of mine.  And if I never get around to it (for the right reasons) then that just means it wasn't meant to be.  My job is to sift through all the trivial excuses and make sure those aren't the things standing in my way.  Watching TV is not a very good excuse, I know this. But this week I think I need the brainlessness that it provides.  Hopefully I will feel more creative soon. 

“There is a crack in everything.  That is how the light gets in.”  -Leonard Cohen

Happy Birthday, Emily!

Emily, Me, Jacen

Today is my daughter Emily's 12th birthday.  Where does the time go, right??  It seems like just yesterday she was curled up in my lap while I sang lullabies to her.  Children just grow way too fast!  But I am proud of the young woman she is becoming, and I am thankful that she loves me and enjoys spending time with me. She loves for me to come eat lunch with her at school, and while a room full of loud kids is not exactly a walk in the park for me, there's no way I was going to miss this lunch date with her.  After all, she will be going to middle school next year, and as my older daughter has informed me, it's just not cool to eat lunch with your mother there!  So I spent yesterday cooking up several pans of brownies to bring with us today, and luckily they turned out very yummy!  My daughter was allowed to sit with me at a smaller table apart from the loudest part of the cafeteria with a couple of her friends, and my son provided lots of entertainment for us all.  It went well.  I survived.  No panic attacks.  Woohoo! 

Social Phobia (Social Anxiety Disorder): Always Embarrassed

Are you afraid of being judged by others or of being embarrassed all the time? Do you feel extremely fearful and unsure around other people most of the time? Do these worries make it hard for you to do everyday tasks like run errands, or talk to people at work or school?

If so, you may have a type of anxiety disorder called social phobia, also called social anxiety disorder.

What is social phobia?

Social phobia is a strong fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed. This fear can be so strong that it gets in the way of going to work or school or doing other everyday things.

Everyone has felt anxious or embarrassed at one time or another. For example, meeting new people or giving a public speech can make anyone nervous. But people with social phobia worry about these and other things for weeks before they happen.

People with social phobia are afraid of doing common things in front of other people. For example, they might be afraid to sign a check in front of a cashier at the grocery store, or they might be afraid to eat or drink in front of other people, or use a public restroom. Most people who have social phobia know that they shouldn't be as afraid as they are, but they can't control their fear. Sometimes, they end up staying away from places or events where they think they might have to do something that will embarrass them. For some people, social phobia is a problem only in certain situations, while others have symptoms in almost any social situation.

Social phobia usually starts during youth. A doctor can tell that a person has social phobia if the person has had symptoms for at least 6 months. Without treatment, social phobia can last for many years or a lifetime.

What are the signs and symptoms of social phobia?

People with social phobia tend to:

• -Be very anxious about being with other people and have a hard time talking to them, even though they wish they could
• -Be very self-conscious in front of other people and feel embarrassed
• -Be very afraid that other people will judge them
• -Worry for days or weeks before an event where other people will be
• -Stay away from places where there are other people
• -Have a hard time making friends and keeping friends
• -Blush, sweat, or tremble around other people
• -Feel nauseous or sick to their stomach when with other people.

What causes social phobia?

Social phobia sometimes runs in families, but no one knows for sure why some people have it, while others don't. Researchers have found that several parts of the brain are involved in fear and anxiety. Some researchers think that misreading of others’ behavior may play a role in causing social phobia. For example, you may think that people are staring or frowning at you when they truly are not. Weak social skills are another possible cause of social phobia. For example, if you have weak social skills, you may feel discouraged after talking with people and may worry about doing it in the future. By learning more about fear and anxiety in the brain, scientists may be able to create better treatments. Researchers are also looking for ways in which stress and environmental factors may play a role.

How is social phobia treated?

First, talk to your doctor about your symptoms. Your doctor should do an exam to make sure that an unrelated physical problem isn’t causing the symptoms. The doctor may refer you to a mental health specialist.

Social phobia is generally treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both.

Psychotherapy. A type of psychotherapy called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is especially useful for treating social phobia. It teaches a person different ways of thinking, behaving, and reacting to situations that help him or her feel less anxious and fearful. It can also help people learn and practice social skills.

Medication. Doctors also may prescribe medication to help treat social phobia. The most commonly prescribed medications for social phobia are anti- anxiety medications and antidepressants. Anti-anxiety medications are powerful and there are different types. Many types begin working right away, but they generally should not be taken for long periods.

Antidepressants are used to treat depression, but they are also helpful for social phobia. They are probably more commonly prescribed for social phobia than anti-anxiety medications. Antidepressants may take several weeks to start working. Some may cause side effects such as headache, nausea, or difficulty sleeping. These side effects are usually not a problem for most people, especially if the dose starts off low and is increased slowly over time. Talk to your doctor about any side effects you may have.

A type of antidepressant called monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs) are especially effective in treating social phobia. However, they are rarely used as a first line of treatment because when MAOIs are combined with certain foods or other medicines, dangerous side effects can occur.

It’s important to know that although antidepressants can be safe and effective for many people, they may be risky for some, especially children, teens, and young adults. A “black box”—the most serious type of warning that a prescription drug can have—has been added to the labels of antidepressant medications. These labels warn people that antidepressants may cause some people to have suicidal thoughts or make suicide attempts.

Anyone taking antidepressants should be monitored closely, especially when they first start treatment.

Another type of medication called beta-blockers can help control some of the physical symptoms of social phobia such as excessive sweating, shaking, or a racing heart. They are most commonly prescribed when the symptoms of social phobia occur in specific situations, such as “stage fright.”

Some people do better with CBT, while others do better with medication. Still others do best with a combination of the two. Talk with your doctor about the best treatment for you.

What is it like having social phobia?

"In school I was always afraid of being called on, even when I knew the answers. When I got a job, I hated to meet with my boss. I couldn't eat lunch with my co-workers. I worried about being stared at or judged, and worried that I would make a fool of myself. My heart would pound and I would start to sweat when I thought about meetings. The feelings got worse as the time of the event got closer. Sometimes I couldn't sleep or eat for days before a staff meeting."

"I'm taking medicine and working with a counselor to cope better with my fears. I had to work hard, but I feel better. I'm glad I made that first call to my doctor."

This NIMH publication is in the public domain and may be reproduced or copied without permission. NIMH encourages you to reproduce it and use it in your efforts to improve public health. Citation of the National Institute of Mental Health as a source is appreciated.

“There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”  -Washington Irving