Good Enough

I am an insecure person. I always have been. When I was a child I felt like my parents didn't want me. I even believed they wanted to kill me. I guess that was the mental illness already seeping into me. The fact is, my birth mother left me with her cousin and eventually that cousin adopted me. When I learned about this as a young child it made me feel even more insecure. I felt like my real mother didn't want me and that I was an unwanted burden placed on my adopted parents. As I got older my parents' criticism of me made me feel inferior and broken. I just couldn't see why I was even alive. It felt like I couldn't do anything right. I guess that feeling never really left. It has followed me throughout my life.

I'm not blaming my parents for my insecurity. In many ways they were good parents to me. And I have a good relationship with my birth mother now. I understand why she did what she did. I have never held the past against her. And yet I am still so hard on myself.

My first marriage failed because I allowed my mental illness to overtake me. I made a lot of stupid choices. I have lived with the consequences ever since. My second marriage was brief, but horrible. What little self esteem I had was destroyed. I was married to a very emotionally abusive person. I didn't even realize how bad it was at the time. I just felt like I couldn't do anything right and it was all my fault.

My current husband has restored a lot of what was broken in me. I will always be grateful for that. I know he loves me. That is a wonderful feeling.

And yet, those feelings of inadequacy are still a part of me. I don't know how to let go of my insecurities. I am so afraid of losing him. I'm afraid I will ruin things somehow or he'll stop loving me or someone better for him will come along. All irrational thoughts I know, but it's seemingly impossible to set aside those 39 year old insecurities no matter what the circumstances are.

I know I have to think better of myself than this. Most days I do feel more confidant than thisbut this evening I just started feeling really low.