So This is Christmas...

One of the worst things about the holiday season is being bombarded by all the "give me, give me, give me" in the world.  All day long I read or hear people complaining about not having enough, about how "poor" they are, and yet most of them have significantly more than I do.  But I'm not the one complaining about it, so that makes me feel pretty rich inside. 

But secretly, yes, I am depressed about not having much financially speaking.  I don't like not knowing if we will be able to buy our kids anything for Christmas, and I don't like feeling too prideful to ask for help (after all, there are many families that need it more than we do).  I don't like not being able to work; I feel like all the financial hardship is my fault.  While I am thankful that my daughters will have a good Christmas spread under the tree via their dad and stepmom, I am ashamed that I can't do the same for them. I am thankful that my son is still too young to really care, but I worry whether our finances will improve before he gets older.  I sure hope so.  Not just for silly things like Christmas presents, but for everything. I'd like for us to have a home of our own and enough food to eat.  But yeah, gifts would be nice too.  

I miss my Daddy.  I miss my Nana.  They were always the ones who made Christmas the most special.  Now my mom and I don't even bother to put up a tree.  It's just too painful. 

I miss the magic of Christmas that my childhood was filled with.  I miss the days when Christians enjoyed the "true meaning" of Christmas without spending so much time worrying about some phantom war on "their" holiday. I'm not really sure why spending a month (or longer) running up credit cards and getting irritable with store clerks is acceptable Christ-like behavior, but saying "Happy Holidays" is such a downright travesty.  

I don't mean to come across as a Scrooge or Grinch or any other "anti-Christmas" character, but I am finding it harder than ever to fight the cynicism this year.  And truly, I just needed to get all of this off my chest.  I've been holding in the resentment and worry and grief for fear that people would just think I'm being a whiny little bitch.  But sometimes it's okay to vent.  It clears up some space in the head so that more positive thoughts can flow through.  I know things could be much worse for us; I guess I just get annoyed when I see others take for granted things that a lot of less fortunate ones would be grateful for.  That's why I try to keep quiet about how I'm feeling this month.  I don't want to be one of those ungrateful people.  But sometimes, I guess it's okay to admit that life is not exactly a bowl full of cherries all the time.