Hamsters on the Wheel

My bouts of hypomania and mania only last long enough for me to get well over my head in a project so that when I crash down, it seems like everything crashes down with me. This time it was a huge purging of the house to get it more organized, especially the closet. Now I have clothes and other random items strewn about like a yard sale in a tornado. I've rearranged furniture that probably should not have been rearranged, and all I can think is, what a a big FAIL this was. My nerves are shot, had to take an anxiety pill earlier and go to bed. Now I'm awake and want to get more housework done, but I just can't find the physical energy or brain power to do anything. My hands are cracked and dry from washing them so much (my OCD kicks into overdrive during mania), and I just want to cry. You know that feeling where you want to cry but you just feel too bad to? So much negative emotion and no way to let it out. So this is why I am writing this. Not to bitch or complain, but to just release it out into the open and-hopefully!-make someone realize that they are not the only one who goes through this type of thing over and over-and over and over-again. It's an endless cycle, and life can feel so pointless at times. But I trust that it's not, for you or for me. We can still do great things; it just may take us longer to do it. We can still inspire others and do good to everyone we come into contact with, and hold those dear to us close and never let go. Sometimes not letting go just means surviving, but other times it means relishing the good times as they come and knowing that, beyond anything, not to take a moment of it for granted. I refuse to let my illness define who I am or what I'm capable of. I refuse to use it as an excuse not to try, to succumb to hopelessness or laziness, or to give up completely. That being said, I realize sometimes I have to rest and catch my breath so that I can be more charged for the work ahead. There is no shame in having to set boundaries as to what you are willing and able to do when you are experiencing an episode of depression or mania, or are recovering from a severe bout of either one. It may feel like we are merely hamsters on the wheel, exasperating our energies on meaningless tasks and getting no where in the process, but I assure you that's not the case. We can't always see or feel our progress. But every step we take-whether it gets us to our destination or not-is progress. Survival is progress. Hope is progress. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes and trying to better yourself from the person you were is progress. It's an ongoing battle, but it's a worthy battle, and you will earn your medals along the way. Just never, ever give up hope. I'm certainly trying not to.