Why is it when we need comfort the most, it's so hard to come by? I have my suspicions of why.
What people who have never experienced severe depression don't realize, is that the pain we are feeling can't be easily vocalized. It is difficult to convey what we need; often we don't even know! Usually, I just want someone to hold me while I cry. But do you know how weak and needy that makes me feel? "I want you to hold me." Those words to my significant other can scarcely birth themselves from my lips before I begin to feel guilty and stupid and ashamed for even asking. And it's not that I don't get held in reward for these terribly difficult words, but always in the back of my mind I wonder if he has any inkling to how much I am hurting. Does he really want to hold me when I am like this, or is he just doing it out of duty? I feel guilty for even wondering that. I am grateful for the human contact, the sincerity I receive from him, but even so, I know nothing can really take the hurt away until this awful depression passes. He knows it too. The holding never lasts as long as the ache does. How can it; someone has to carry on, and it's always him who has to hold down the fort until I am well enough to do my share again.
Depression makes us vulnerable to criticism and anger from others. "Why can't you just..." "You're being lazy/selfish/immature." "Why don't you get off the couch and go take a shower." "You're bringing me down with you." And of course we aren't trying to make life harder for our loved ones. Most of us are not after attention or special treatment. We aren't making excuses for our lack of participation in daily living. We just really can't function. And that very fact makes us feel worse. Tack on the outside criticism, the impatience with our behavior, the frustration, the nagging, the yelling, the resignation to even care anymore...sometimes the ones who supposedly love us can be our worst enemies in the fight against mental illness.
I sometimes try to picture myself with my loved one's point of view: she hasn't showered in days. She's been wearing the same clothes and her hair is oily. She has no energy. She appears to have no will to do anything. She's behind on housework, barely interacts with the baby, and randomly bursts out crying for no reason. I would try to help her if I could but she seems to be pushing me away and sinking deeper and deeper into her own little world. I'm afraid if I get too close she will pull me down with her. I'm angry because I want to make her feel better and I can't. I'm powerless to stop what's going on with her. I wish she would just snap out of it and go back to being the woman that I love.
Now, I'm no mind reader, and I don't know what is really going through his mind when I get so bad off, but I imagine I'm not too far off in my assumptions. Chances are, your loved ones have a similar point-of-view. Bottom line, depression is a trial for all of us. Going through it, and watching someone we love go through it, both take a toll on one's mind and body. If your loved one will agree to go to therapy with you, or even to their own separate therapist, it could be very helpful in reconciling what each is feeling and how to work together for a successful recovery. Beyond anything, when I am depressed, I want to know I am cared for and that I am not alone. I don't want to be abandoned. In that most unbearable hell, stuffed with bad thoughts and insecurities, I want to know I have a hand to hold throughout, and that when I reach the other side again I will have people that welcome me back to the world of the living with open arms and no lingering disfavor.
1 comment:
I remember first explaining to my mom that I was battling depression. She said some hurtful comments to me such as "just get over it" and "you don't need pills for that". I love my mom and miss her now that she is gone, but those are words that a depressed person should NEVER hear. I feeling were real and valid and if medicine was helping, then so be it. It made me be a better mom for my children.
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