Grief

I had originally intended on finishing part one of the parenting series I am writing (coming soon, I promise!) and sharing it with my readers today, but I ended up spending most of the day in bed. The culprit? Depression, made more severe by the loss of my fiance's aunt. She had been battling cancer for the last year and a half, and early this morning she laid down her sword. I had the pleasure of meeting her a couple of times when she was well enough to travel to Georgia, and I instantly loved her as my own aunt. She had a great personality-the perfect mix of intelligence, kindness, and humor-and I admired her optimistic attitude throughout her struggles with cancer. She began going downhill quite rapidly a few weeks ago, so it was no surprise to hear of her passing; in fact, the news came as a relief due to the heartbreaking condition she was in. She was not really living anymore. Now she is free, and her family is left with memories...and grief.

What is grief?  Besides the intense sorrow that results from the loss of a loved one, what other feelings make their appearances? How long will grief last? People that say they have moved on and no longer feel any stages of grief-are they telling the truth?

For me, news of anyone's death still brings me back to the grief of losing my dad. I think this recent death especially brought it home for me, since he died from cancer as well. That was over three years ago, and I have reached a point where most days I can reflect on happy memories and believe wholeheartedly that trudging on with the intent of becoming the best I can be is the greatest way to honor my father. Yet, hearing of another death from cancer brings back a flood of emotions for me, and today I have failed to see the silver lining to all these wonderful people dying from a terribly painful and unpredictable disease. I feel helpless, and empty, and angry. I'm angry that this has to happen to people. Angry for the ones who have to live on after their loved one has died. Angry at the prospect of a God that would allow this, and angry at the prospect that there is no God at all. I'm angry at everyone, whether it makes sense to be angry at them or not. I haven't wanted to speak to anyone today. I have wanted to sleep and forget this awful world and all the pain that it sheds on us. I have wanted to die myself, in the place of my fiance's aunt, just as I wanted to with my dad. I am angry that I am still here, and they are not.

Grief makes you feel a lot of strange things, and everyone feels it differently. Stages of grief will vary in length and substance, but according to the Kübler-Ross model, there are five stages that you will most likely experience. PsychCentral.com provides a brief overview of The Five Stages of Loss and Grief.

My theory is, once you lose someone really close to you, grief will never be an entirely closed case. Acceptance does eventually come, if you allow it, and most memories will begin to bring a sense of peaceful reflection instead of hurt and regret. But some memories will still bring suffering, and occurrences in our lives may trigger a revisiting of the grief we thought we had finally lived down. It is natural, albeit painful, to relive the loss again and again. It is crucial that whatever feelings well up are fully acknowledged without guilt or self-sabotage. I think one of the most destructive, yet common, reactions is to bottle it all up. By suppressing the mind's natural response to an event the healing process is delayed, and it stands to reason that something that is never allowed release will not disappear on its own, and will instead contribute to an unhealthy amount of stress.

Keep in mind, the expression of emotions is also different for everyone. Just because someone does not cry does not mean they are not sad or hurting. Likewise, forcing yourself to cry because you assume that is what is expected of you does not determine how upset you are, and it will not likely help you on your personal journey through the healing process. Some people will need to be alone for a while; some will need to be surrounded by friends and family. Some will speak tearfully of the deceased; others will crack jokes and try to provide comedic relief. Some will need to stay busy; some will need to rest and take things slow. Some will yell and break things. Some will act like the person is still alive and talk to them. Some will do all of these, or none of these, and however odd or seemingly inappropriate one's behavior is following a death, it is vital to understand that it is perfectly normal to express grief in whatever way comes naturally. One must be respectful of others in their methods of grieving; it may not be in your best interest to show up drunk to your relative's funeral and make loud comments throughout the service. It is just as important not to criticize someone else for the way they express grief.

As mysterious as death is, the one certainty is that we will all experience it sooner or later, and almost all of us will lose someone to death at least once in our lives. The severity of grief will vary according to how close you were to the person and how you typically handle the subject of death, as well as what beliefs you have regarding what happens after life. The type of grief will be different depending on losing a child or a parent, a friend or a spouse. The manner of death will also create a variance in grief; whether the death was sudden or unexplained, or if the death was a result of a long term illness; from natural causes, an accident, murder or suicide.

Different circumstances will result in different emotions, and a grief counselor and/or a support group is a great way to learn to express and accept the wide range of emotions that will likely ensue. My therapist helped me tremendously after the loss of my father. Writing about your feelings is also an excellent form of release. So are listening to music, taking up a hobby, and exercise. Seek comfort in any form, as long as it is not harmful to you or others. Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace.