Interlude

There are a few more posts I want to make on anxiety; for instance, I have yet to address social anxiety, agoraphobia, etc.  But depression has a way of making me lose my focus and drive, so I will resume the anxiety series later ( a soon later I hope).  For now, I want to share a really great blog post written by Christy at Normal in Training. Earlier in the month, she wrote something about depression that really spoke to me.  I wasn't depressed at the time, but I knew it would come in handy when I was.  Indeed,  No Good Reason is a very helpful read.  I hate depression, not only for the obvious pain it entails, but for the added guilt I pile on top for feeling that way in the first place, as if I willed myself to be depressed.  Some well-meaning people really don't help the case when they ask "why are you depressed?" as if it is that simple.  As if a situation caused this and therefore it can be fixed by changing the situation.  We always want a reason for everything, right?  But some things just aren't so black and white. 

I am going to go interact with my family.  My daughters are here and I want to enjoy this time.  It's not fair that depression comes at such inconvenient times.  It's hard to fake being alright when I'm not, and my daughters are old enough to perceive that I am struggling.  But I'm going to make the best of it while they are here.  They will be leaving tomorrow, and that will create a situational depression, but I can't dwell on that now.  One day at a time, please. 

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: It's Not Just The "Neat Freak" Illness

*Possible Trigger* Some of the things I am going to discuss today may be a little disturbing.  I am refraining from the most graphic of details, but if you are sensitive to things of a violent nature or self-harm, then this may not be a good read for you.  I am not intending to shock anyone or cause any negative emotions; I only want to explain what OCD is like for me. Thank you for reading, but if you don't I understand.

A while back, I posted an article about The Nuts and Bolts of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but today I want to share my own personal account of the illness.  As easy as it has become to write about my experiences with bipolar disorder and panic attacks, I still find it hard to articulate exactly what goes on in the mind of someone with OCD.  Not too long ago, I asked myself why I chose to dedicate this blog to bipolar disorder (hence the title Bipolarly) rather than OCD.  And then I realized:  I remember life before bipolar disorder developed and took over; I can remember what I was like before depression, before mania.  But even my earliest memories involve manifestations of OCD.  I didn't know it at the time.  I was not officially diagnosed until the age of 26.  But I do not ever recall a time in my life that I did not have this ongoing noise of OCD bursting through the seams of my brain.  So, I almost view OCD as who I really am; our identities are so intertwined. I can view bipolar disorder for the illness that it is because I know who I am without it.  I do not know who I would be without the internal war of OCD.  Would the silence kill me?  Or would I finally know what it's like to live in peace?

A lot of the thoughts (obsessions) that are a part of my illness are embarrassing and/or terrifying.  I haven't even told the people closest to me about some of them.  Not even my fiance.  Not even a therapist. I suppose this is out of fear that they won't trust me or they will abandon me or I will wind up institutionalized.  Who would feel safe around me if they knew what was going through my mind every second of every day?  So I keep quiet about those things.  The only indication of something a little "off" with my thoughts are the frequent handwashing, the straightening of crooked things, the sanitation of things, the matching of things...all of which are more evident on some days than they are on others. I have learned to hide a lot of my compulsions, and the ones I can't tend to draw more laughs than concern. But there is a darker side to this disorder that I try so hard to keep under wraps.  And that is the more exhausting part of OCD.

 I am not a "neat freak".  Okay, I kind of am, but not to the degree you would think.  If you come to my house unannounced you will not find a pristine home devoid of dust or dirty dishes.  I don't get down on the floor and scrub every inch with a toothbrush twenty times a day. I don't even do that once a day...or ever.  I do like everything to be clean and uncluttered, and when it's not I feel a lot of chaos within myself.  I can barely function in a messy house.  But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen, thanks to bouts of depression and the other occupants in the household.  When I lived alone, sure, you could eat off the floor, but now I really wouldn't recommend that! I do spend a lot of time organizing things, and my methods don't always make much sense to other people. Back when I was an office manager I once organized everything in the front office with an alphabetical label and then printed out a list of what was to be stored at each letter.  I thought it was brilliant...my coworkers not so much. Still, that's not really what makes me "so OCD."

The rules change.  A lot.  When I was a child my mom hated to take me grocery shopping because I had to punch in the plastic on all the paper towel rolls on my level as we walked down the paper aisle.  I don't feel compelled to do that anymore, mainly because I now try to avoid touching as many things as possible due to my fear of germs.  Also, as a child I had to do things to the count of six, and then six sixes.  I am cringing as I write that now, because in more recent years that has become The Bad Number and I avoid it like the plague. When I was young, I recall my Nana nagging at me to stop pulling everything to the edge of the table.  When I ate the edge of my plate had to be perfectly aligned to the edge of the table.  Anything on the coffee table had to be perfectly positioned in the left corner.  It just had to be!  I was so afraid something bad would happen if I didn't, something worse than getting yelled at repeatedly for doing it.  I guess my family just thought I was odd.  They didn't recognize that something more serious was at play.  Whatever the case, I still have to line things up a certain way but the rules of how change a lot.  It's as if there is a big bad wolf on a throne in my head barking out orders, but ever so often he changes the orders.  I act accordingly. 

Those are just a few of the "cuter" parts of my disorder.  Now (deep breath) I am going to talk about some of the bigger parts of it.  First, let me explain that there are different categories of OCD.  The four most common are 

• Checking things
• Contamination (inside or outside of the body)
• Hoarding 
• Ruminations / Intrusive Thoughts

While I do check things repeatedly (mainly anything that could cause a fire) and fear contamination a good bit, going to great lengths to avoid it at times, the biggest chunk of my illness revolves around ruminations and intrusive thoughts. I cannot even begin to cover every part of it, but I will mention a few:

The Safety of My Family:  Everyone worries about their loved ones.  They want them to be safe.  They may even pray for them daily if they are the praying type.  That is "normal".  But imagine every second of your day being bombarded by very graphic images of your loved ones being harmed.  This is what I live with.  I can't get the images out of my head, and I am so afraid they will come true.  If I drop something and it lands a certain way I am convinced that is a sign that someone is going to die.  Sometimes I burst out crying because it seems so real, like that person has already died.  The only "control" I have over this is to pray.  But not just any prayer.  It has to be The Prayer.  There are certain words I have to say and if I mess up I have to start over again.  If I feel like my heart wasn't in it or I was distracted, I have to do it again.  I cannot say it aloud, because that will undo it.  It must be said silently so only God and I can hear, and it must be perfect.  I've tried counting how many times I say this prayer in a given day, but I lose count, but I estimate probably around 500 times a day. Give or take.  On especially anxious days it's more.  Since I say it in my head and not aloud, no one around me knows I am saying it.  I guess they think I am daydreaming or just not paying attention.  I miss a lot of conversations because of this praying.  And yes, I know the constant praying doesn't make sense.  I know, biblically speaking, that is not the way you are supposed to pray, but I just have to do it. I do my regular praying as well, but it is difficult because I keep having to interrupt it with The Prayer.  

Doing Harm:  I am a mild and meek person.  Very anti-violence.  I believe in treating all people with love and kindness.  So imagine what it is like to constantly have graphic images not only of your loved ones being harmed, but also of YOU being the one doing the harm!  I have a fear of abusing my children, even though I have NEVER actually abused them.  I am afraid to be around knives because I am afraid I will either slash my own wrists or stab someone around me.  I do occasionally have to use knives when I am preparing food, but I am so nervous the whole time.  I hate using them and I hate washing them afterwards.  I envision the dish water being full of blood and I keep checking to see if I have cut myself.  I have to lay the knives a certain way - blade facing left if it is on its side, or blade facing right if it is downward in the dish drainer - or something just doesn't feel right.  Beyond knives, I have a fear of drowning my children in the bath tub, or of them drowning on their own.  Please understand, I am confident meek little me would NEVER do something like that to my children, and that is why these images are so distressing.  

Driving:  Part of this one is an extension of the fear of doing harm to others, because when I was still able to drive I would always have these sudden visions of running off the road to hit a person, an animal, a mailbox, a house, etc.  Likewise, I would see crashes occuring, like me plowing into the person in front of me or the car in the opposite lane swerving to hit me. Sometimes these images would be so real that I would slam on my brakes to avoid an accident.  Afterwards I would realize the danger wasn't real, but the moment before it felt like it was.  I have not driven in three years due to my panic attacks becoming so severe coupled with these visions - I just don't feel like it is safe for me to be behind the wheel!  But even riding in the car is difficult.  I have the same images, only I am the passenger so I have even less control over what happens.  My fiance gets really frustrated with me sometimes and I can't really blame him.  I'm sure it's hard to drive when the person beside you is gasping in fear every few seconds.  Some days I am so convinced a terrible accident will happen that I don't want to leave the house at all.  I try to avoid having my son go somewhere in the car without me, not because I don't trust my fiance's driving skills, but because I just have this horrible feeling there will be an accident and I will never see my son alive again.  The few times I have been at home while they went somewhere I have been on edge the whole time.  I worry about my daughters as well, especially when I know they are going somewhere with their dad or someone else on the interstate.  I don't know how I am going to handle it when they are old enough to get their own license.  I don't even want to think about that.  

Blood:  I hate the sight of blood.  I can't watch anything on television that is the least bit gory, which is nothing all that out of the ordinary; there are a lot of people like that.  But I see blood everywhere.  I see myself in a tub of blood when I take a bath.  I see it in the dish water (as mentioned above).  I see it running down the walls sometimes.  It's disturbing, to say the least.  I have a lot of images of cutting myself, either by accident or on purpose.  I hate feeling the blood move through my veins, I hate looking at veins, reading about them, and writing about them, so that is all I am going to write about that!  

Germs:  It's good to be conscious of germs.  Everyone should wash their hands after they go to the bathroom, handle raw meat, or do anything else that dirties the hands.  But I just tend to go into overdrive about it.  I feel dirty all over sometimes...just because I touched a product on the shelf of a store.  I carry hand sanitizer with me at all times, and while I know all about super germs I just can't stop sanitizing my hands.  When I wash my hands, I have to do it three times in a row most days.  Sometimes more, sometimes less.  I'm the person who will wear gloves to clean something, take the gloves off and wash my hands three times, then use hand sanitizer, then repeat, and still I feel contaminated inside and out.  No wonder my hands look like an old lady's!  If I wash my hands in the kitchen, I have to wash them in the bathroom, and vice versa.  When I am manic, I wash my hands even more.  There are days when I can't really remember doing much more than washing my hands.  Other days, it's not so bad...I could even pass for "normal" in the handwashing department.  I avoid cooking meat as much as possible because the process of decontaminating everything (not only my hands, but the whole freaking kitchen) is so time consuming that it's really not worth it.  We proudly eat a lot of beans and veggies.  It's cheaper that way anyway.  

Sexual:  I'm not comfortable discussing the details of this one, but suffice it to say, I have a lot of intrusive thoughts in this department as well.  'Nuff said!  

Religion:  Too exhausting to go into right now.  Maybe some other day.  

Numbers:  I hate math.  Not only does my brain not seem to comprehend it, but certain numbers irk me to death so it is a very frazzling experience.  I have mentioned The Bad Number, but there are other numbers that give me a bad feeling as well.  I am content with denominations of fives and with the number seven (which is my favorite).  Seven is pure and complete to me.  It brings me a little peace.  

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.  Living with OCD is a challenge.  It is hard for me to share this stuff because I am aware of how weird and crazy it may seem to someone who has never dealt with this sort of thing.  I chose not to go into some of it because it would only make me sound weirder and crazier! I am not proud of these thoughts or the actions I try to control them with.  I do try to keep this illness from taking over my life and interfering with my ability to be a good mother.  Some days are easier than others.  Ever so often I will see (mainly on Facebook) those pictures that "will drive your OCD insane" and it makes me mad.  Honestly, those pictures literally hurt me to look at.  It will bother me all day long because I can't fix it.  I am not an easily offended person, and I have a good sense of humor, but seeing someone say they are OCD because they can't stand to have a messy closet kind of irks me.  But, how do you describe an elephant to a mouse?  And that is what fuels stigma, the fact that there are so many misconceptions about mental illness - some seemingly harmless and trivial, while others downright cruel - and the few of us who do actually have the answers are so often incapable or afraid to speak up.  This blog is my small way of speaking up.  It's my little way of saying, yes, I battle these misunderstood problems and it doesn't make me an awful person for doing so.  Mental illness feels really bad, but it doesn't make me a bad person for experiencing it.  I don't want pity or special treatment, but I sure as hell don't want to be made fun of or avoided because of it either.  We all have something in life that we struggle with, a thorn in our flesh so to speak.  I have a few thorns, but so do you.  Let's all try to have some compassion for each other, okay?  

Panic Disorder: When Fear Overwhelms

Do you sometimes have sudden attacks of fear that last for several minutes? Do you feel like you are having a heart attack or can't breathe? Do these attacks occur at unpredictable times causing you to worry about the possibility of having another one at any time?

If so, you may have a type of anxiety disorder called panic disorder.

What is panic disorder?

People with panic disorder have sudden and repeated attacks of fear that last for several minutes or longer. These are called panic attacks. Panic attacks are characterized by a fear of disaster or of losing control even when there is no real danger. A person may also have a strong physical reaction during a panic attack. It may feel like having a heart attack. Panic attacks can occur at any time, and many people with panic disorder worry about and dread the possibility of having another attack.

A person with panic disorder may become discouraged and feel ashamed because he or she cannot carry out normal routines like going to the grocery store or driving. Having panic disorder can also interfere with school or work.

Panic disorder often begins in the late teens or early adulthood. More women than men have panic disorder. But not everyone who experiences panic attacks will develop panic disorder.

What causes panic disorder?

Panic disorder sometimes runs in families, but no one knows for sure why some people have it, while others don't. Researchers have found that several parts of the brain are involved in fear and anxiety. Some researchers think that people with panic disorder misinterpret harmless bodily sensations as threats. Researchers are also looking for ways in which stress and environmental factors may play a role.

What are the signs and symptoms of panic disorder?

People with panic disorder may have:

• -Sudden and repeated attacks of fear
• -A feeling of being out of control during a panic attack
• -An intense worry about when the next attack will happen
• -A fear or avoidance of places where panic attacks have occurred in the past
• -Physical symptoms during an attack, such as a pounding or racing heart, sweating, breathing problems, weakness or dizziness, feeling hot or a cold chill, tingly or numb hands, chest pain, or stomach pain.

How is panic disorder treated?

First, talk to your doctor about your symptoms. Your doctor should do an exam to make sure that another physical problem isn't causing the symptoms. The doctor may refer you to a mental health specialist.

Panic disorder is generally treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both.

Psychotherapy. A type of psychotherapy called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is especially useful for treating panic disorder. Your doctor should do an exam to make sure that an unrelated physical problem isn’t causing the symptoms.

Medication. Doctors also may prescribe medication to help treat panic disorder. The most commonly prescribed medications for panic disorder are anti-anxiety medications and antidepressants. Anti-anxiety medications are powerful and there are different types. Many types begin working right away, but they generally should not be taken for long periods.

Antidepressants are used to treat depression, but they also are helpful for panic disorder. They may take several weeks to start working. Some of these medications may cause side effects such as headache, nausea, or difficulty sleeping. These side effects are usually not a problem for most people, especially if the dose starts off low and is increased slowly over time. Talk to your doctor about any side effects you may have.

Another type of medication called beta-blockers can help control some of the physical symptoms of panic disorder such as excessive sweating, a pounding heart, or dizziness. Although beta blockers are not commonly prescribed, they may be helpful in certain situations that bring on a panic attack.

Some people do better with CBT, while others do better with medication. Still others do best with a combination of the two. Talk with your doctor about the best treatment for you.

What is it like to have panic disorder?

"One day, without any warning or reason, I felt terrified. I was so afraid, I thought I was going to die. My heart was pounding and my head was spinning. I would get these feelings every couple of weeks. I thought I was losing my mind."

"The more attacks I had, the more afraid I got. I was always living in fear. I didn't know when I might have another attack. I became so afraid that I didn't want to leave my house."

"My friend saw how afraid I was and told me to call my doctor for help. My doctor told me I was physically healthy but that I have panic disorder. My doctor gave me medicine that helps me feel less afraid. I've also been working with a counselor learning ways to cope with my fear. I had to work hard, but after a few months of medicine and therapy, I'm starting to feel like myself again."

This NIMH publication is in the public domain and may be reproduced or copied without permission. NIMH encourages you to reproduce it and use it in your efforts to improve public health. Citation of the National Institute of Mental Health as a source is appreciated.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: When Worry Gets Out of Control

Are you extremely worried about everything in your life, even if there is little or no reason to worry? Are you very anxious about just getting through the day? Are you afraid that everything will always go badly?

If so, you may have an anxiety disorder called generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

What is GAD?

All of us worry about things like health, money, or family problems. But people with GAD are extremely worried about these or other things, even when there is little or no reason to worry about them. They are very anxious about just getting through the day. They think things will always go badly. At times, worrying keeps people with GAD from doing everyday tasks.

GAD develops slowly. It often starts during the teen years or young adulthood. Symptoms may get better or worse at different times, and often are worse during times of stress.

People with GAD may visit a doctor many times before they find out they have this disorder. They ask their doctors to help them with headaches or trouble falling asleep, which can accompany GAD but they don’t always get the help they need right away. It may take doctors some time to be sure that a person has GAD instead of something else.

What causes GAD?

GAD sometimes runs in families, but no one knows for sure why some people have it, while others don’t. Researchers have found that several parts of the brain are involved in fear and anxiety. Research suggests that the extreme worries of GAD may be a way for a person to avoid or ignore some deeper concern. If the person deals with this concern, then the worries of GAD would also disappear. By learning more about fear and anxiety in the brain, scientists may be able to create better treatments. Researchers are also looking for ways in which stress and environmental factors may play a role.

What are the signs and symptoms of GAD?

A person with GAD may:

• Worry very much about everyday things
• Have trouble controlling their constant worries
• Know that they worry much more than they should
• Have trouble relaxing
• Have a hard time concentrating
• Be easily startled
• Have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
• Feel tired all the time
• Have headaches, muscle aches, stomach aches, or unexplained pains
• Have a hard time swallowing
• Tremble or twitch
• Be irritable, sweat a lot, and feel light-headed or out of breath
• Have to go to the bathroom a lot.

How is GAD treated?

First, talk to your doctor about your symptoms. Your doctor should do an exam to make sure that an unrelated physical problem isn’t causing the symptoms. The doctor may refer you to a mental health specialist.

GAD is generally treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both.

Psychotherapy. A type of psychotherapy called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is especially useful for treating GAD. It teaches a person different ways of thinking, behaving, and reacting to situations that help him or her feel less anxious and worried.

Medication. Doctors also may prescribe medication to help treat GAD. Two types of medications are commonly used to treat GAD—anti-anxiety medications and antidepressants. Anti-anxiety medications are powerful and there are different types. These side effects are usually not severe for most people, especially if the dose starts off low and is increased slowly over time.

Antidepressants are used to treat depression, but they also are helpful for GAD. They may take several weeks to start working. These medications may cause side effects such as headache, nausea, or difficulty sleeping. These side effects are usually not a problem for most people, especially if the dose starts off low and is increased slowly over time. Talk to your doctor about any side effects you may have.

It's important to know that although antidepressants can be safe and effective for many people, they may be risky for some, especially children, teens, and young adults. A "black box"—the most serious type of warning that a prescription drug can have—has been added to the labels of antidepressant medications. These labels warn people that antidepressants may cause some people to have suicidal thoughts or make suicide attempts. Anyone taking antidepressants should be monitored closely, especially when they first start treatment.

Some people do better with CBT, while others do better with medication. Still others do best with a combination of the two. Talk with your doctor about the best treatment for you.

What is it like to have GAD?

"I was worried all the time about everything. It didn't matter that there were no signs of problems, I just got upset. I was having trouble falling asleep at night, and I couldn't keep my mind focused at work. I felt angry at my family all the time.

"I saw my doctor and explained my constant worries. My doctor sent me to someone who knows about GAD. Now I am taking medicine and working with a counselor to cope better with my worries. I had to work hard, but I feel better. I'm glad I made that first call to my doctor."

NIMH publications are in the public domain and may be reproduced or copied without permission. NIMH encourages you to reproduce them and use them in your efforts to improve public health. Citation of the National Institute of Mental Health as a source is appreciated.

Anxiety Week

This week I am going to focus some attention on something I happen to know a lot about firsthand: ANXIETY! Apart from having bipolar disorder, the rest of my diagnosis is based around different types of anxiety, specifically obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety and a mild case of agoraphobia.  Last week I happened to see someone criticizing someone else on Facebook who had admitted to having panic disorder.  The "remedy" for this person was to simply "Buck up and do what you have to do" followed by "Everybody gets nervous.  You have to deal with it.  You think that is something new to people?  Folks just used to deal with it."

At first, these remarks angered me quite a bit.  I had to fight the urge to butt into this online conversation and say some things that may or may not have included "you stupid idiot!" But, after I calmed down, I began to think about this a little more rationally.  The truth is, most people know what anxiety feels like, but not everyone knows what it's like to have an anxiety disorder. And that's the real kicker; when you hear the word anxiety you think oh, that's normal, just take some deep breaths and get over it, but to have an actual disorder in this area means the normal reactions and remedies don't necessarily apply.  If you are familiar with the fight-or-flight response then you know that your body goes through certain physiological changes when faced with a potentially harmful situation.  Under the right circumstances, these changes can be helpful as they equip you with the energy and alertness to protect yourself. Fighting off a mugger or leaping out of the way of a car in just the nick of time are two examples of a good fight-or-flight response. But in some people (approximately 18% of Americans), this fight-or-flight response tends to show up at some really inappropriate times.  If I am sitting on the sofa watching a comedy, I personally don't think my body needs to prepare for attack, but sometimes it does anyway.  And, while a little anxiety can fuel your efforts to do well on a test or give a speech, a lot of out-of-control anxiety can make even the most basic tasks of daily life difficult.  For some, certain memories or social situations will trigger a sense of panic and lack of control.  Some people have an irrational fear of something (like a snake or closed in areas) that alter the places they are willing to go.  Some people get physcially ill at the mere thought of leaving their house.  These are just a few ways anxiety goes from being a normal every day response to something that creates a problem where there shouldn't be one.  

Each day this week I will address a different anxiety disorder in hopes that it will educate someone about what it really means to suffer from one.  But for now, I will tell you what it does not mean: It does not mean you are weak.  It does not mean you will never get better.  It does not mean you deserve the ignorant comments you will receive from time to time.  It does not mean you have reason to give up.  I know how hard it is to combat unruly anxiety.  Just when I think I have it beat, or at least subdued, it seems to come back full force.  Sometimes I notice the triggers and sometimes I don't.  Every day is a new trial of what works and what doesn't.  While I love a lot of the quotes that can be found regarding regular anxiety, I find that most of them don't really apply to things like OCD and panic attacks.  One quote I do find helpful is from Mark Twain: "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."  It takes courage to live through a panic attack when every cell in your body is trying to convince you that you are dying from a heart attack.  It takes courage to relive flashbacks of violence or neglect.  It takes courage to listen to the internal dialogue of OCD and have the constant fear that you will do something bad or someone you love will die because you didn't wear matching socks that day. It takes courage to go through all of these things and so much more.  Our goal is to resist those fears, to master them so they no longer rule over us every second of the day.  It may feel like an impossible task, but I am certain that it can be done.  However, these disorders take a more aggressive treatment than just being "nervous" does.  

Getting Time Back On My Side

Between the recent time change and Douglas's day off getting changed from Wednesday to Thursday, I'm a little loopy these days.  To elaborate, the time change really messed up my son's sleep schedule.  He started sleeping later, not taking a nap, and not sleeping for most of the night.  As much as I tried to get him up earlier and earlier to get us back on track, it seemed to only make it worse.  He still wouldn't take a nap and would end up so extremely cranky by the end of the day that we were both in tears.  I tried putting him to bed earlier but this resulted in him sleeping two hours and being up the rest of the night. 

Amazing what the change of one small hour can do to a toddler's circadian rhythm.  

Likewise, to the bipolar brain it's a wild ride with no sense of direction in sight.  It usually takes me at least a month to adjust, but by then the lack of sleep has triggered a manic episode and off I go, knowing I will eventually crash, just not knowing when.  Not to complain, but Daylight Savings kind of sucks.  

Agree?  Disagree?  

I've danced in and around mixed episodes and manias this past week.  On the plus side, Jacen actually took a nap today so maybe, just maybe, he will be back to his regular sleep schedule soon, in which case I can try to resume mine.  Only time will tell! 

In the meantime, I've been working on changing up my schedule, because - I hate to use the misused phrase I'm so OCD, but since I actually do have OCD, I think I am allowed to do so - I am so OCD about schedules!  I am constantly writing schedules for myself and the rest of my family.  Not that we ever use them, but I guess it's sort of like a hobby of mine.  An intrusive, obsessive, compulsive hobby of mine.  My schedules have to be perfect, only they can never truly be perfect.  I want everything to go according to plan, no detours, but family life is nothing but detours.  So I write another schedule.  And another.  Instead of writing a book about my life or a fictional character, I should just bundle up all my schedules and sell them as examples of what could but most likely won't work for every other mom out there.  There are plenty of self-help books out there about just this particular thing.  I know, because I've read a few.  There are sites galore about organizing time and setting priorities.  I know, because I've read most of those too.  And yes, it occurs to me on a daily basis that if I would just give up on the scheduling and actually enjoy my life, I would have a lot more time to get the things I'm scheduling done.  But does OCD ever make sense?  I think not.  And these lists represent the fine strings I am trying to pull to make sure everything is safe, solid and secure for all the people I love.  Between making lists and schedules, and praying The Prayer perfectly every few seconds throughout the day, I almost calm the anxiety.  Not really, but I'm convinced everything and everyone I love would spontaneously combust if I stopped any of it.  So.  I write lists and schedules.  And I pray.  And I do a whole slew of other things like washing my hands and organizing things in a certain manner (that may or may not seem logical to others), but we will delve into those some other day.  For now, I am going to leave you with a few feel-goods that I sincerely try to keep in mind myself, despite what my OCD tendencies tell me, and despite how time changes and bipolar disorder try to derail my efforts:

The Noise

Oh me.  Me and my rapid thoughts.  I feel like there is a blender going full force inside my head.  I have so much I want to get done, so many ideas zooming in and out...mainly focused around getting organized and resetting my schedule and making things just so in life. But when everything is coming at me so fast all at once, I just want to break down and cry from the stress.  As it is, I am trying (trying!) to relax.  For one thing, I am on the verge of a migraine.  That's nothing new, since I have a migraine nearly every day, but I do try to prevent them if at all possible, because I don't have an endless supply of Relpax.  I've resorted to stress eating again, which is something I must nip in the bud before I gain all my weight back.  

I realize it probably sounds like I am manic, and in a way I am, but there's an underlying depression, a frustration with all I can't seem to get a hold on, so I guess this qualifies as one of my mixed episodes.  Truly, the mixed episodes tend to be the most uncomfortable.  Imagine having a very annoying itch that you just can't scratch...it's right in the center of your skull and there are a million flies swarming around it.  Part of you wants to claw it out - blood, guts, whatever - but part of you just, sigh, doesn't have the strength to try.  So you sit there, itching, craving peace, craving silence.  But all that swarming is loud and relentless...

Is it any wonder why there are so many suicide attempts (and successes) during mixed episodes?

Not that I am suicidal.  But the noise can drive one to do unruly things.  I don't blame anyone for trying to drink this mess away.  Or dope it away.  Or to even try to kill it away.  Not that substance abuse or suicide is the answer; of course not!  But it's understandable.  Sometimes when the noise is so loud, it's hard to believe there will ever, ever be quiet calm again.  

“At times it may seem as though you and your past are one. Sometimes we fail to differentiate between what has happened to us and who we are today. If you have a hard time getting beyond that damaging mind-set let me encourage you right now. You are not your past Although you are changed and shaped by past experiences who you were yesterday does not control the person you have the potential to become tomorrow.” -Sue Augustine, When Your Past Is Hurting Your Present

The Importance of Memories

The following was written in 2009, not long after my dad passed away from cancer.  I thought I would share it on here in honor of his birthday; he would have turned 78 today.   As hard as certain dates are for me, like the date of his death, Christmas, etc., his birthday always hits me the hardest. I don't think the pain of losing my dad will ever go away, not completely. I have learned that it is okay to grieve forever, as long as I don't let it hinder my living.  Though my dad is gone from this earth, it is up to me to keep him alive in my heart and to make sure his grandchildren never forget how wonderful he was.   Whether you lost your loved one recently or years ago, don't ever let go of those precious memories.   They are an important part of who you are, and if you regard them in the right way, the loss of that person can fuel your future, making you strive to be the best you can.  I wish my dad was still here today.  But five years after his passing, I can see how losing him opened my eyes to the world around me.  Everything I do, I do for him.  I know he can't see the choices I make, but I like to think if he could he would be proud.                                                                        

Hesitantly I take the photo album off the shelf and open it to my favorite page.  It is a picture of my father and me at my fourth birthday pool party in the month of June, 1983.  Someone had given me a make-up set for the occasion and he’s helping apply a thin layer of pink lipstick to my young lips. 

I close the album before the tears pooling in my eyes can drop onto the pages.  The best memories of my childhood are times spent with my dad, yet he passed away on February 15th of this year.  I have tried to stuff these memories into a dark corner in my head, afraid that to relive them is to ache all the more for the loss of something that can never be replaced.  I have tried to convince myself that it is better to let the memories die along with him, to forgo the bliss of happy times in order to ignore the pain of losing him.

But on this day I  resolve to embrace what I have tried so hard in the past few months to push away.  With a deep breath I close my eyes and allow myself to drift slowly to the place where fragments of memory trickle in, and then I feel a great whoosh of emotion as it all floods back to me. I brace myself and fall back in time to where a little girl’s world revolved around her Daddy...

Saturdays were when we went to town, just the two of us, leaving my mother to some peace and quiet at home.  Our trips were predictable and commonplace.  I would climb up into his black Ford with the red interior and we would take the scenic route from Maysville to Jefferson.  As old country songs softly filled the cab I would gaze out the window at the clumps of majestic trees broken only by the patches of grassy pastures.  I would point to the horses and cattle that grouped  themselves here and there and he would smile in wonder of the countryside as if he were seeing it through my own tender eyes.  Often he would tell me stories of his own childhood.  The funny things he and his cousins would do.  The tricks he would play on his sisters.  His horrible fear of rabid dogs back then.  Sometimes I would sing songs to him that I had made up and he would delight in my creativity to make words and music intertwine with my tunes about pets and places and people. 

Among stops at the hardware store, quick browses at the small shops downtown, and payment of the electric bill at JEMC, our trips would often include visiting his parents at their home in Dry Pond.  My grandfather would let me help myself to his peanut brittle and Danish cookies and Daddy would play a game of checkers with me. I always revelled in the times I won the game because he always made it a challenge and never let me win on purpose. 

In the hot days of summer my favorite part of Saturdays was the stop at the old Langford store where Daddy would buy us each a cold bottled YooHoo and Mr. Langford would try to bribe me into talking to him with promise of a piece of bubble gum.  I would duck my head shyly and pull close to Daddy’s side while Mr. Langford would chuckle and claim "That’s the most bashful child I’ve ever seen” and hand me the piece of bubblegum anyway.  As we left I would look up at Daddy and grin.  He would laugh and help me back into the truck and we would enjoy our cold drinks on the trip back home.

The best memories from my childhood revolve around Daddy.  Adolescence brought more bittersweet instances, as a father tried to hold on to the child, while the child tried even harder to grow up and branch out into her own patterns.  That is the way of a teenager. This made for arguments, hurt, resentment.  Still, there were the happy moments.  The jokes.  The recollections of past years.  The sense of being the same in so many ways. Despite being adopted, he never treated me like I wasn't his own flesh and blood, and people who didn't know otherwise would swear I looked just like him. We shared a lot of common interests, so beyond being a father to me, he was a great friend and a wise teacher. He taught me the importance of being polite and considerate of others, of working hard and saving for tomorrow.  My daddy was truly a good man.  Forget the bad temper and the occasional criticisms.  Beyond that, he was trying to mold me into someone who could make it in this world.

I have not “made it” in this world as well as he and I had hoped.  I feel like I  let him down many times, though he never seemed to stop loving me.  He had a hard time accepting and understanding my mental illness (as we all did), and I was ashamed of being considered "broken" to someone who meant so much to me. In my humility I distanced myself from him the last few years of his life.  We still talked on the phone daily, but I rarely visited. I live to regret this now, as I wonder if he knew when he died how much I still thought the world of him.  How I will never live a day on this earth not wondering what he would have me to do, what paths would make him proud.  For all the times he helped me during my life, whether financially or with his wisdom and advice, I can never, ever repay. 

I had the privilege of seeing his face light up every time I brought my daughters over to see him.  He was such a good Pawpaw to the girls. It was the most beautiful sight in the world to see him outside playing with them.  Together they would plant sunflowers, pick blackberries, and feed the birds.  He would help Kayley find rocks for her collection, just as he had for me when I was that age.  She and Emily would giggle in delight every time he rode them around in the wagon.  Because of Daddy, my girls now have memories that mirror the ones I have. 

Reliving these memories hurts.  It creates a lump in the throat, a strangled intensity that will not pass.  But it is important to keep these recollections alive, to never hide them in the corner, to never let them fade into useless frozen matter.  These memories are my only lifeline to the greatness of my father.  I will not abandon these thoughts, these feelings, these regrets, no matter how much it pains me.  I will not abandon my father’s legacy, and I will do all I can to protect it. 

Daddy, I miss you.  I will always be your little girl.

Book Review: Good Cop, Bad Daughter

One of my favorite genres to read is memoirs, but it is not often that I find one that moves me to the extent that Karen Lynch's Good Cop, Bad Daughter did.  Her thorough account of a difficult childhood and how it prepared her for a career in the police field is written with passion and eloquence, with just the right amount of humor woven in.

Karen learned at a very young age that survival would require her to be self-reliant and courageous.  Her mother, Ann, suffered from a severe case of bipolar disorder, and while medication subdued many of her symptoms, she often stopped taking it and drank heavily instead.  Her extreme manias were characterized by paranoia and irrational thoughts. This caused some very rocky relationships with the men in her life as well as a negative view of police and other authority figures.  As a mother, Ann was often neglectful, and sometimes even violent toward Karen.  Karen was often left alone during her mother's erratic travels and frequent hospitalizations. If it had not been for Jim, one of Ann's discarded boyfriends, Karen would have been homeless and may not have survived.  

Pursuing what had been her mother's dream of becoming a nurse, Karen did not feel like it was her true calling.  Still, she knew she had to make something of herself and nursing seemed like a noble career.  Then, one day, she saw a vision of herself being a police officer, and suddenly something just clicked.  Karen knew her destiny.  She just didn't know how hard it would be to attain it.  

In the late seventies, San Francisco had just recently opened up to the idea of female police officers on street patrol.  Many of the older trainers that Karen performed for in the academy were still skeptical, and sometimes downright cruel, about the prospect of a woman making it in such a male-dominated role.  With persistence and dedication, Karen graduated as the only woman in her class and joined the San Francisco Police Department in 1981.  

I really enjoyed this book, though I had my guard up when I first began reading it.  I was afraid it was going to be yet another book portraying the evil side of a "crazy" person, and at first glance perhaps it is.  After all, there is nothing cute and fluffy about bipolar disorder.  Even in the best of circumstances it can wreak havoc on a family, as I can firmly attest to from my own experience with the illness.  It is always surreal reading about bipolar disorder from a perspective outside of the person who has the illness. We are so often painted as "the bad guys" in media, and sadly it is sometimes true.  Yet, as painful as it was to read what all Karen went through with her mother, I finished the book feeling justified in my own attempts to so desperately cling to any shred of normalcy in my life that I can.  I know I try so hard because I don't want to be that kind of mother who neglects or harms her children.  While I know I fail to be the most stable parent, my heart is in the right place to seek out what my children need and be there for them the best way I can.  Mental illness can rob us of sentiment and rationale. I am no exception.  And yet, I have learned from my highs and lows, and while I can't completely control what happens, I have learned enough to keep myself in check, to recognize triggers and symptoms, and to trust my loved ones when they say I am getting out of hand.  Ann never learned these things, or else she ignored them.  I think a lot of that can be contributed to her drinking habits; then again, I know what it's like to try to self-medicate the illness away.  I also know it just doesn't work that way.  

I would recommend Good Cop, Bad Daughter to anyone who loves a good memoir.  It really opened my eyes to the extent of training that our police officers go through in order to be deemed good candidates for keeping our streets safe.  It also made me realize that out of seemingly hopeless circumstances, greatness can be achieved.  As Karen so eloquently wrote on her closing page, "Hoping for a different life is a pointless exercise.  Ultimately we must all make the best of the lives we are given." (p.276)