Project Organization

Yesterday I started a huge project of rearranging and organizing the house. I had to move some pretty heavy furniture, but amazingly I am not very sore from it. I made room for some more bookcases, which are desperately needed. Now I just need to find some. I am pretty tired today, but I still have a lot more to do. I'm glad I finally got started on it.

Mom's surgery has been moved to Wednesday.

I Did It!

The other day I wrote about how I chickened out of going to the writing class. Well, they had another one today and I went! And I survived! It was actually a lot of fun and I have an assignment for next week.

I am so proud of myself. All day I tried to talk myself out of going because I was so scared to be around people. But I knew how lousy I would feel if I succumbed to my fear like last time. And I feel terrific now that I actually did it.

There were eight ladies besides myself there, and the male author who was leading the class. I didn't really have to talk to anyone, and the author was very insightful.

The scary part now is deciding whether I will be able to read my assignment to the class next week or not. For now I'm just going to write it and see if I feel up to it then. Chances are I may not get to go to the next one because my mom may be in the hospital. She is having surgery to correct the wiring around her breast bone that has come loose. So who knows. We'll see. I'm just glad I took a step out of my shell. It's exhilarating!

Memoirs

I'm so often disappointed in memoirs about mental illness. I feel like if you have read one you have read them all. The ones I have read have all been written by extremely intelligent people (their words) who had their breakdown while going to some big shot college. There's always lots of self harm, risky sex, an eating disorder or two, and some great psychiatrist that saved their life. I am sorry these writers went through what they did and I'm sure many people can relate to them, but I just can't. It's not the story I have lived. Well, parts of it are my story, but with a lot less shock value. I guess my story wouldn't sell, but I still want to write it. I just feel like my tale would be too boring and not risky enough to be published. I'm no one special. No one knows me so why would they want to read about my life?  So, that's probably why I haven't written it yet. Too much doubt. Not enough focus. It's hard enough to write a blog post these days. Meds have taken a lot of my creative abilities and smashed them to little nonexistent bits. Sometimes I wish I could find the girl that's underneath all those pills. For all the problems that are under control now, she had something that just isn't there anymore. But stability is worth the loss, right? Sometimes I just don't know.

2012

I think I am coming out of my depression. At least I feel more motivated to do things. I don't really have anything new to say today, but I was looking through On This Day posts on Facebook and found the following that I posted in 2012. I needed to read this today. It was a good reminder: 

I was just looking through old pictures of Jacen, from when he was a newborn. I can't believe how much he has grown! You don't realize how a child grows and matures when you see them on a daily basis. His face is becoming so much more defined, and he's slimming up a little because he's getting taller. It's hard to believe he has already been in this world for nearly as long as I carried him in my womb. I know I will blink and he will be 12 years old, like Kayley. It's easy to get bogged down with all the hardships of parenting at times. The non-stop diapers and feedings. The temper tantrums. The sleepless nights. As they get older, it's the whining and hyperactivity. Then it's the teen attitude and the rebellion. But I urge all parents to take a moment and reflect on the sheer beauty of your children, on all the things that make them special and unique. Hold on to that precious child, even when the "precious" part does not shine through. Cherish everything about being a mother or a father, and count yourself blessed to be in charge of something so fragile and important in this world. Children are only loaned to us for a short time. Some are taken sooner than others; some grow up and leave us for families and careers. I am convinced, though, that no matter where they are, no matter what they do, regardless of how many times they break our hearts or exasperate our tempers, they will always be that same newborn baby in the pictures...and when you think about the fact that all of us were a sweet little tiny baby at one point, it kind of changes how you look at the people around you. We all still want to be loved and accepted, just as we did as babies. We are all still fragile and important. Let's treat each other as such.

Standby Mode

I'm having some problems with depression this week, so I have fallen behind on reading blogs as well as failing to write on my own. Hopefully I will "snap out of it" soon. I'm just in survival mode right now, but I'm making plans to do some major spring cleaning around here. I just need the energy to do it. I think accomplishing this will significantly brighten my mood. Getting started is the hardest part.

Friday

I have been so tired this week. I'm always tired, but I have reached a level of tired that shouldn't even exist. I thought eating healthier and cutting out sodas and exercising would boost my energy. Apparently not so.

I went to the doctor a few days ago because I was having more bladder issues. Once again, no infection but lots of blood in my urine. The doctor mentioned interstitial cystitis as a possible cause of my symptoms but I will have to go to an urologist to find out for sure. My biological mother had bladder cancer so of course my hypochondriac self worries that I have it. I have all the symptoms. Thanks, Web MD. I should really be banned from that site.

Other than not feeling well, life is going pretty smoothly.

Chicken

Our library is having a writing workshop this evening and I have been planning to go to it for two months. But now that it's almost time for it I don't think I can. The thought of being around strangers makes me too anxious. Just call me chicken :(

I picked up a new stack of books to read a couple of days ago. One of them is about anxiety. Maybe it will have something helpful for me within its pages. I can only hope.

Good Start

I surprised myself this morning by getting up early, exercising, and putting supper in the crockpot, all by 9 a.m. Usually I don't get up until the pug makes me, which is usually between 8-9 a.m.  Getting up earlier made for a much less stressful start to the day.

Yesterday I taught Jacen about biomes and we made a model of the ocean. He labeled all the animals and plants after I took the picture.

Today he wanted to make a rainforest biome. This is what he came up with.

He had fun using his creativity on these. I have a feeling we will be making more biomes this weekend.

A Better Day

I had a bad mental day yesterday, but I feel much better today. I could barely function yesterday. I don't know what came over me. The joys of mental illness.

Last week we took my son for a hearing test, which is required to continue his speech sessions. He failed it, but the doctor saw a lot of wax in his left ear so we did drops to clear it out for a few days. Today he passed his second test, which I am very happy about. Now we just have to battle with insurance to get more speech lessons approved. He has improved a lot since he started going to the speech therapist but he still has some issues.

It is so rainy and dreary here today, I just want to sleep. But I have an appointment in a couple of hours so no nap today. I'm just glad I am stable and functional today. Maybe I can keep it that way.

The Obituary Writer

I just finished this one and it was so good! I need to stop reading books that make me cry lol But, truly, those are usually the best books. Tomorrow I am going to begin The Bright Hour. It is going to be sad too, I'm sure. I plan to spend tomorrow reading and napping and playing with my son. Happy Sunday to all!