Guest Blogger Angel Jarrard: Fear of Life

I have never been in the military, so when I was told I had PTSD I thought my doctor was hitting his drug supplies! Only soldiers shot at in a war get that, right? The only time I have heard the term it was used to describe veterans of the past wars at a nursing home I worked at. I had to have it broken down for me. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can affect anyone who has had a very traumatic experience. I've had two! My son passed away at 3 years old and I was in a relationship for 5 years with a guy who wasn't just a wife beater but also a sociopath.

 I have a hard time leaving my house alone. I panic when men are around me other than my brother and my husband. The grocery store is too big and doesn't have enough exits. I used to not be able to leave my house at all. My body would be ripped apart by panic attacks because I had to check my own mail box. I'm much better now; I can go outside alone for longer than 10 minutes before I have to retreat back into the safety of my house. It's horrible when you don't sleep because you go through constant rounds of checking windows, door locks, windows, door locks, windows, doors, windows, doors, never ending all night. And it doesn't end when the sun comes up. I'm constantly checking the doors to make sure they are locked. If I leave my house I am always afraid I will run into the individual who is still stalking me. I never feel safe from him. Even law enforcement has told me there isn't much that can be done. I can understand how soldiers would jump at loud booms, because when a male voice is raised around me in anger or unexpectedly, I pee my self! Do you have any idea what it's like to be a grown woman who pees her pants?

 I didn't think it had any effects on my kids. I mean, many women have man issues, right? I was wrong. I am terrified when my kids are out of my sight. I start to worry about who is around them; what if they are hurt and I'm not there to help them? What if one of them is sick and I don't know? What if one of them falls and gets hurt and they can't come get me? I can't let them out of my sight without having a panic attack. My husband makes me let them go to their friends' houses and go to sleepovers. I'm terrified of losing another one. I don't think I could survive that. My son passed away in my arms and when I gave him CPR it didn't work. I worry that if another one needed it I wouldn't be able to do it.

 I can't take the anxiety medicine because it makes my symptoms worse! I don't like that disconnected feeling it gives me and I worry that it's going to make me sleep too deeply to hear a cry for help. I try to use situational therapy to learn to handle the panic in situations that for most is normal everyday life. But sometimes unexpected things happen and I panic. I can be in the waiting room and the only available seat is far from my only exit. Or while I am ordering a man enters and gets between me and the door. I love drive-thrus! Panic attacks are debilitating; you can't catch your breath, your vision narrows down to a pin point and you can't focus, and your heart beats so fast that your chest feels like it will explode! Your mind is your worst enemy during a panic attack. Every irrational thought that you could have starts to run through your head.